My boyfriend doesn't want to marry again
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| Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:25pm |
Marriage is very important to me because first, for love. Second, because I want a family following the tradition of my own family. And third, for legal reasons because it should be clear to other people who he puts his trust in to make decisions for him if anything happens- life insurance, health insurance, and there are also benefits such as tax breaks, spousal visits when he's traveling for his company, etc. I think that these are all very valid reasons. He isn't sure about children. Last year, he found out that one of his siblings has a serious health problem and after he returned from a visit, declared that he will probably want children because he wouldn't want to be alone if anything happened to him. But he keeps changing his mind and lately, has only said that he just doesn't want to have kids. I love him and I know that I can't give up those important things for someone who can't recognize my needs are different.
Am I pushing him by bringing this up and always being visibly upset at his answers? Should I give him the chance to clean up his past and move on without any pressure from me hoping that things will just fall into place? We broke up once before because he wasn't ready to make a commitment to me and I felt that I needed someone who could. About a month later, he made all the right moves to win me back and had even said he would get married again, but never a third time (I had commented on an acquaintance getting married a third time). I feel like his confusion makes me feel like my options are being TAKEN from me and that makes me think about this nonstop so I bring it up, pressure him, and ultimately it's pushing him away. He knows that I will always make good on my threats because I already left him once until he agreed to fully commit to me. I have so much love to give, I just don't want to be giving it to the wrong person who will never have the same needs as me.

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I cut out a quote that was on one of my pages in my planner. It reads "advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. It all makes sense. misscharm (i hope that is your name) you gave me advice too and i think you know that you need to leave and that it is not right for him to go backa nd forth but you dont want to face it becasue you know that means saying goodbye so you and I go to these discussions to get others to say it is ok. Do you ever ask for advice for somethign that is good like shoudl I see this great guy who is cute and respects me? NO, you dont becasue you know the answer. I wiah we could just do what we can preach. There is another quote I cut out and hung up in my office and it reads "sometimes...when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing." You can hold out for this man so you can have him as a husband and have him be the father fo your kids but in the meantime what if he does not an dit is five eyars later and it is harder for you to find someone, we are older and now competeing against us, five eyars earlier and now maybe it is a lot harder to have kids becasue now you are 40 and for some reasoin it is harder on your body now.
OK...i hate when people quote things so this is weoird for me to do so but I want to tell you one otherv thing I heard ona movie it went something like when you gte married or can marry the one for you...it shoudl be the easiest decisiosn you will ever make. I take that as being a no brainer that the man is your dream and vice versa BUT if they dont know or cant for some reason then obviously how they be right and you are notlosing a love but you are losing someone who does notlove you enough yet or not in the right way. I was maaried too before and my divorce went on for a while and the reason it did even though I said it was becasue of legal matters it had to do with my feelings for my ex still and not being sure that is what I wanted or that I knew someday we would come together again but for th eitme being you play single. Understand? it sucks to hear I know.
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