IS MY BOYFRIEND GAY???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
IS MY BOYFRIEND GAY???
6
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 2:32am
HELLO,

My name is Jessica. I have something on my mind and I was hoping you could help me. I have been dating a guy named Luis for 2 months now. He is a friend of my cousin. I met him at church and we started dating 3 weeks after meeting. Three days ago Luis and I were having a conversation about each others growing up. We started revealing secrets to eachother about ourselves that we hadn't told anyone before. It was his turn and what he told me shocked me a lot. He is 23 years old, but from the ages 10 through 15 he told me that he had been with 4 other guys. I had asked him to clearify "been with". He told me that he had oral sex with these guys. I did not know what to say. He told me that he had been with one guy @ the age of ten, then once @ 12 and the last two @15 yrs old. He has been with other women and was even married before @ the age of 20, but got a divorce 3 months later. I would have never guessed that he had been with guys because he is very manly looking. He has told me that ever since 15, he has never even thought about a man in that way. i had asked him if he had ever had intercourse with a man. Luis said that he tried but the other guys penis would not fit into his anus. Sorry for being graphic.

MY QUESTION IS: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL ABOUT ALL OF THIS? Should l break up with him. I love him and he loves me. Before I found out about this information, I was thininking about marriage and having children with him. But now, I am not so sure. I don't want to be mean and judge him because my past isn't so innocent either. I mean, I am a virgin but I have kissed another girl and stuff. I am not sure though about this whole guy situation. I asked him if he has had any recent feeling/ desires towards men and he said no. He said that he loves me and want to be with no else but me. My fear is that we get married and have children and then years down the road he leave me for another man. Should i be concerned? He is a good man and he is a talented musician at his church. We are both christians. I just don't know how i should be handleling this news. Can you please give me some insight on this problem. I greatly appreciate it.

Thank you,

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 8:24am
Sounds like he was sexually abused as a child and might now be confused (even though he claims to not be interested in men).I would not marry a man like this until he has had some sort of therapy. Also, I would suggest searching his home to see if you can find gay porn. I think that would give you a hint about his sexual interests. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 11:51am
Sounds like either he was sexually abused or just highly curious in his youth. Does that make him gay? No. There's nothing wrong with what he told you and he must trust you A LOT to divulge that sort of thing. If it does bother you, perhaps suggest to him to get counselling about it- or counselling together. I understand your concern that he may just be following the norm now but one day would leave you and possibly your children for another man. While this is a legitimate concern, you do need to talk to him about it.

Don't give up on him though.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 2:03pm
I think that 2 months is too soon to be thinking about marriage.

MB

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 2:28pm

It's true that it's VERY common for young children to have same-sex sexual experiences... they're experimenting and really don't know who are what they are supposed to find sexually appealing.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 4:33pm
Jessica,

I agree with the other posters in saying that he is probably not gay and has probably just had either some simple experimentation or the not so simple abuse in his life. 2 months of dating is too soon to be seriously considering marriage, however. You two should spend more time getting to know each other and consider going to counseling together. Since you attend church together, maybe your pastor/priest can suggest someone. If after time you decide to go ahead and get engaged, some serious premarital counseling is a good idea too. Most churches now even require that before they will marry you. Again, your pastor is a good person to talk to about that.

Last absolutely DO NOT search his house!!! That is silly and immature. If you get caught (or even if you don't get caught), the trust between you two is shot and you could probably forget marriage. He trusted you enough to tell you this, don't blow it by sneaking around looking through his things. Trust him that he will open up to you and be honest with you about everything. If you want to marry this guy someday, your best approach is to just work together to overcome this.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 11:09am
I think you absolutely would appreciate the movie _Chasing Amy_ right now. I just saw it this last weekend and your story reminded me of its themes.

I think that it's WAY TOO EARLY to be thinking of marriage right now. The chances of you getting married in your 20s and staying married are 40%. So yes, you're more likely to end up divorced from this guy than you are to stay married. And for the reasons? Who knows? Not getting to know each other before you married, not giving yourself enough time to grow up and know yourself before attempting to build a life with someone else? NOt having enough money, being stressed out all the time, losing jobs, not having good child care...I mean these things would be more paramount in my mind than his leaving the marriage for a man. Infidelity is so common. Would it be worse for you if he left for a man?? Two months into the relationship and you're already worried that he's going to cheat. That tells me that you don't know enough about this guy to even begin thinking about being exclusive with him, forget about marriage. I would be asking him about his marriage, what did he learn out of that experience and how is the future going to be different?