My boyfriend has lost it!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
My boyfriend has lost it!!!
2
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 3:16pm

My bf and I have been having some communication issuues. He is awfully jealous of every guy who talks to me , even his own friends. I have been loyal to him to the core. Im not a flirty girl, but I get along well with his friends. He has made comments before, and I have tried to set him straight, and he gets over it. Or so I thought. Usually he is so good to me, but he acts suspicious all the time, and makes it sound like he doesnt trust me, yet when I say "are you saying Im a liar?" he says I never said that, I dont mean that. He is so good to me, but he is jealous, and paranoid. It kills me he feels this way. I want to work this out with him. Period. Anyway, here is what happened.

I was with him all weekend and we had a great time. Sunday night we were by his friend Mikes place, and Mike came back with us to my bf's house to hang out for a bit. No big deal. Mike and I have alot in common and we talk, no flirting. My bf started fallin' asleep and I said do you want me to take Mike home. Well my bf woke up and all 3 of us were hanging out some more... Mike said he needed to get home, so I stood up and said okay, Ill take you home...got in the car, and next thing I know my bf is with us. No big deal, we all talked and joked on the way. We dropped Mike off and my bf was quiet, so I was quiet. He finally loses it and says, odd that you have nothing to say now that Mike is gone. I said you got quiet too, so I was just being quiet. He starts yelling things like how could u ask to take him home? He's my friend, and I will see to it that he gets home. Who are you to assume etc.... I was floored, then he digs up every issue we ever had, and was saying things like. I have had it, its really over this time etc... I was like if thats what you want. Although I was crying, and trying to get him to calm down.

I never thought it was about his friend Mike, I looked at it as him holding in a bunch of lil things. To make a long story short I asked him if he would like me to leave (it was 3am) and he says why do you always ask stupid questions... I went to bed, and a few hours later he came in and cuddled up next to me. I figured I would leave the next day (considering we were over according to him) but he made breakfast and we spent the day together. He was a bit distant, but kissed me and everything seemed ok considering. Im confused. We obviously didnt break up, maybe he was just mad. Who knows.

He obviously felt threatened and is jealous. I talked with another mutual friend of ours and she said that for some reason he is really jealous of you and Mike cuz we get along so well. What can I do? I want my bf to know I only care about him. Im not interested in his freinds. Im not an overly affectionate person, and maybe I need to be when he's around. Im leery of bringing up the subject with him cuz I dont want it to turn into a big argument. How should I handle it? Love him up even more? We need to talk, but I know some guys hate that...its more like leave the fight in the past...its as if he wanted to forget the whole thing. Do I let it go and try to show him more affection and when friends are around sit closer to him and etc? This is a guy who dated a girl for 10 years and was engaged only to find out she had been cheating on him for years. I have never cheated on anyone. So I understand his fears, but.... Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 5:23pm

Hi,
I am really sorry. It must feel very hurtful and frustrating to not be fully trusted. I know how it feels. Because my ex was like that too, especially with one of his friends with whom I got along GREAT. He was like my best friend. There were times my bf would be working, and I would be alone needing company, and I would sometimes just go have a little outing with our friend. I even started "informing" my bf everytime I decided to meet our friend. I felt caged and like a child. I wanted to be trusted, I wanted some independence, at the same time I did not want my bf to be upset. He would always get extremely angry everytime I spent time with our friend. We fought a lot because of this. It was clear he felt threatened and extremely jealous, and felt the need to "control". And his anger, and avoidance of a proper mature talk was one of the reasons our relationship never worked out.

His past is certainly affecting the way he feels about this issue. How long have you known him? Is this a new relationship where he still has to get to "know" you better?

Yes, when you and him and mike are hanging out together, it totally makes sense to be affectionate with your bf, be close to him, put ur arms in his, hold his hand, compliment him etc. Not go overboard with it, and make it seem artificial, but just express yourself naturally according to the situation. Weave your expressions into the situation. This way you make the relationship very clear to him, "in front" of your friend, and your bf should feel good about it.

You'd also have to make it very, very clear to your bf in a steady, serious, calm voice that he has Nothing to worry about. Tell him you want to be yourself. You want to feel free with friends. You don't want to live in fear before doing every little thing. This would suffocate you, and is not normal and healthy.

Lack of trust can really break apart a relationship.
I hope for you that the issue gets resolved. It wont happen immediately. But if he really feels he does need to change, then there is always hope that things will get better with time.

Don't be afraid to have a talk with him, however daunting it may seem. Don't make it emotional, or threatening to him. Just try to have a calm talk from start to end. What are his views? His *real* views. Tell him how much you love him, and how much you want to be with him. And then tell him you both need to deal with this issue before it tears the relationship apart. Is he putting the entire blame on you. Or does he feel he has a role too. Does he feel he needs to work on something. Does he accept his part? Would he ever agree to go for a couples counseling session. Carefully listen to his part of the story. Is he upset with you over something in particular. Is he resenting you for something that happened in the past. Is he justified in feeling that way. Just listen without getting defensive. Think about it.

If you both cannot communicate, then one of the major building blocks of a successful relationship is missing already. If he refuses to talk, then you know he might not be the right person to have a *healthy future* with. So jump right in, at a good time, and have a calm talk with him. For your own part, try to reassure him and make him feel secure and loved more often. If you start withdrawing yourself, the issue will remain unresolved, and then the situation will only get worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 4:21pm

He sounds extremely insecure. You know it only gets worse with time.

Here's my situation:

My bf of 1-1/2 years thinks I should tell him absolutely everything...where I am, where I am going, who I am with, etc. If I don't, he accuses me of "hiding things" and says "that's a problem." And, it is not that I'd even mind telling him, but he has negative opinions about some of my girlfriends, or things that I want/do. Here is an example: I'm getting ready to get a browlift (which he disagrees with). I'm still getting it, but I didn't tell him about my consultation until after I went. He was upset that I "hid that" from him.

I've never done anything to compromise our relationship and resent his demands. We are not married-not even engaged. But, he says, we are partners.

So I ask...do I owe him that?