My Boyfriend lied

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
My Boyfriend lied
8
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 7:34am

Hi,

I am writing because recently my boyfriend went to a bachelor party for his future brother in law and I was really upset about it. When he got home I was crying and I asked him how much money he spent. He said 100 dollars. Yesterday while doing laundry I found a receipt for another 100 dollars that he spent. He lied to me. Then when i asked him again it took me two more times of asking before he told me the truth. He told me that he lied because I was crying andhe didn't want to make me more upset than I already was. He has lied once in the past about a girl calling him (who I dont' like because they have slept together) and said that it was his mother. Both instances he said it was because he didn't want to upset me. How should I take this all? He knows I am really upset about it and says he won't talk about it anymore because nothing good will come of it? How can I get over it or should I not get over it? Please help.

~K~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 7:45am

Run do not walk.

My exhusband was just like this man, constantly lying like a little kid so he wouldn't "get in trouble". Why be with someone that is going to lie to you and make you feel insecure and start searching his pockets and look through his drawers, do you really want to live like that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 7:53am

We have been together a year...lying twice in that time. I don't believe I should run away from him. I just want to know how to get it through his head that if he does it again I am gone for good. Also how to make him feel that he doens't have to lie to me to make me feel better.

~K~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 9:29am
Because it's a pattern and I doubt you'll break it. You can try telling him how it makes you feel but if he feels its better to lie then tell you the truth he'll do it again. Plus pair this with your post on Guy Talk about how he told you he got a hardon by your friend, sounds like a real charmer this boyfriend of yours.


Edited 11/29/2004 9:45 am ET ET by sweet_karma
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 10:53am

Hi Kasnetsky...

This may not be what you want to hear but had it been me in the situation, I might have lied to you as well. In my head, I would be wondering why you were crying just because I went to a bachelor's party. Unless there was a fight beforehand that prompted you to be that upset, I think you over-reacted. If a man see you that upset over the fact that he just went out to do a normal guy-thing, then I can understand that he wouldn't want to make you more upset by being completely honest.

The only way to get through to him is to try to gain control of your emotions. (Again I'm saying this while under the impression that something big did not happen right before the bachelor party.) If he feels you're going to freak out everytime he does something that does not fit with your expectations, then he most likely will keep some parts of the truth back.

This is not to say that his lying is right or wrong--this is only to show you that the way we react to certain situations can cause other people to feel it necessary to hide the full truth. I've been through this before and it took a lot for me to swallow that truth.

I hope this helps. Keep us posted.

 

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 12:08pm

Ok...then tell him that you'll leave if he lies to you again. Then when he does (which he will, because he's a liar), you can leave then.

It doesn't really matter *when* you do it; if you really want to be with an honest person, you're with the wrong man.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 12:49pm

Thank you! You are the most sane person on here....I will take your advice...it is me....I freak out over everything and I know it is wrong...I just dont' know how to get my emotions under control??? Any suggestions??

~K~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 3:20pm

Thanks for the compliment... but I am far from sane. LOL. Do take the advice of the others as well--it is possible that he's just a liar too. I think it may be a combination of the two: 1) You may be over-reacting and 2) He may just be a liar. And number 2 may be evident from him lying to you about that phone so keep both in mind...

As for you not freaking out, I would say to try to stop yourself when you start getting worked up. Look for your triggers. There's usually a thought that starts the ball rolling, so try to catch that. When you feel yourself going down the emotional path, remind yourself that you may just be allowing your imagination to run wild.

With that being said, I want you to also trust yourself. If there is something in your gut that is telling you that this guy is no good, listen to it. Your reactions may be based on gut instinct, only you would know that though. If your emotional reactions are something that you've always had, then you need to work on them regardless. But at the end of the day, I think an honest person would be honest period, no matter the issue. So please LISTEN to your instincts too.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 4:37pm

Thanks...

My gut does not in any way tell me he is a bad guy...he is a really good guy in fact! And he did feel super bad about the whole thing....thanks for the advice about my emotions :)

~k~