My boyfriend is a single dad

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
My boyfriend is a single dad
4
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 6:49pm
Hi!! I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a month, and a couple weeks ago he told me that he has two kids from a previous relationship. The kids are both with him (the mom is????). I am 24, he is 34.

My problem is that I really don't think I have a desire to have kids, but I am falling in love with this man! He is everything that I have looked for and wanted.

Anyone have advice if I should stick out the "perfect" relationship in spite of the children, or should I end it before it gets too far?

Thanks a lot...

Kase

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 9:07pm
You have to think in what it would mean to get into the "perfect relationship but with kids" if you decide to keep on seeing this man: you and him and the kids 24/7. Weekends and weekdays with him and with the kids. By your post it is understood that he has the custody of them so they'll be with you and him until they're 18.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 8:38am
I have a story for you. :) I have a good friend who never wanted children - wanted nothing to do with them. She's an aunt, so that was enough "spending time with children" for her. That satisfied any maternal instincts she might have had. Never wanted anything to do with a man who'd been married or had children.

At work, she met a man who was eight years older than her (out of her "age range") and, sure enough, he was divorced with two children.

They've been together for seven years now and married for two. :)

She fell in love with him - there was just no stopping it. And he fell in love with her. Things haven't been perfect between them - there have been a lot of conflicts. But they love eachother. And his kids love her and she loves them.

So my advice to you would be to keep seeing this man if you think you might love him. He could just be the one for you.

UNLESS, you are really bothered by the fact that he has children, and if the responsibility he has as a dad is not something you want to deal with (i.e., doing things "with the kids" a lot). But if your desire to not have children/be around children doesn't outweigh the feelings you have for him, then I would definitely see where it goes.

They're his kids - you're not responsible for raising them or anything, so don't worry about that right now. Just see what happens and where it goes.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 10:41am
It's only been a month, so really you have no idea just how perfect things are. You're still both in the stage of putting your best foot forward. You have to accept that the kids are a package deal with him. If he has custody and your relationship works out and gets serious, then at some point you'll be living with him and his children and interacting with them every day. If you don't think you can handle at some point living with the kids, then you might as well end it now. If you think it's possible, then you could continue and just see how things go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 11:10am
IMO the perfect relationship involves honesty upfront. Not sure why he waited a couple weeks into dating you to tell you he has 2 children, but to me that would be something that should be told from day 1. If you don't want children, I don't see how this could be the perfect relationship for you. Parenthood is a 24/7/365 job. His children will (and should) always be his first priority. Not that a parent can't devote a lot of time and energy to adult relationships, but...it's hard for a person who has never had children to comprehend just how much time and energy being a parent entails (physically and emotionally). If you don't see yourself being a supportive and enthusiastic stepmom, don't even pursue a relationship with a man who has children. Where else could it lead if you became serious? Also, please believe me when I say that the emotional difference between the ages of 24 and 34 can be quite significant. From the information you gave in your post, I don't think you two sound like the right match at all. Two people need to be on the same page with SO many things to be a right fit. It takes more than physical spark, enjoying the person's company, getting along, having common interests, etc. I think you two have too many vital things you are not on the same page about for it to work, but that's just my opinion, based on my own experience and that of others that I've seen. Hope this helps.