My boyfriend’s Female Friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
My boyfriend’s Female Friend
3
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 8:18pm

I have been dating my boyfriend Don for almost 2 years now. He has a female friend, Tara, who would call him at every other day and every time when she calls, she calls twice or three times. I never really got jealous or felt it brothers me until lately. As matter of fact, I met her once in a grocery store and she isn’t attractive and is about middle age with a 6 or 7 year old kid(bf and I are early 30’s not that has antyhing to do with it) I asked my bf why Tara would call so often. My bf said she is just a good friend of his and she has some good connections in the field he is in. He thought she is a very helpful resource. But once she called him at 1:30am in the morning and lately I started to feel wired about this whole thing. She is literately calls him every other day. So I asked bf to ask her not to call weekends or so late. We had several unpleasant conversations about this. My bf thinks I am not so reasonable. He said there is nothing between them and I don’t need to worry about anything. He said what abut if she is a guy. Will I be ok with it? Of course I will be ok if she is a guy, but she is not a man. Anyway, I don’t want to fight with my bf and don’t want to feel jealously either. Lately I have been thinking about this a lot and it really bothers me. I know I can’t ask my bf to stop the relationship with her. But what does she want from him? I never hear their conversations so I don’t know what they are really talking about it. I just don’t believe it’s all work. Do I have the right to feel jealous? Am I being unreasonable? What should I do? One another thing, whenever she invites my bf to an event, I never got invite and I don’t like that at all. So I decided to invite her to one of my events and may be I can try to get to know her better and find out what's the deal. Am I crazy? Do you think it’s right to have a good female friend like my bf does? I just feel so uncomfortable even though they are just friends. I don't like her to call him every other day.

Please share your thoughts with me.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 5:43pm
Did Tara come to your party? How does she treat you? Is she nice to you or does she just ignore you? It seems to me, that she may like your bf, but you needn't worry. I seriously doubt he would fall for her or cheat on you with her. He is probably placating her just for the business contacts. She could be a drama queen who calls him whenever she has a problem or to gossip.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 9:52pm

Being a woman with several male friends, don't jump to the conclusion that anything funny is going on. Granted, I don't usually call my male friends daily or even weekly on a regular basis, unless there is some drama in my life. I find that in times of turmoil, my male friends can give me calmer advice (not to down our gender, but I grew up with all brothers in a neighborhood of boys - I like getting their perspective)...

I have on friend in particular that I have been friends with for 20 + years. We talk/email maybe a dozen times per year and see each other a few times a year if that. Men in my past have been confident enough to handle that. However, there has been difficulties with the women he has dated. The ones that haven't had a problem have met me along the way. Those that didn't know me, thought I was a threat or something. He would disappear during those relationships, but would show up later. His longer more meaningful relationships have been with the women who have accepted that he has at least one female friends and been willing to meet me. On the other hand, he and I have also purposely kept our friendship close but casual. We talk about our families, mutual friends, work and goals. However, we tend to leave details of our romantic relationships to a minimum. We know when and who the other is involved with and if it is going well, but that is about it.

She could just be going through a difficult time and his patience is helping her. If it continues long-term then I would bring it up again. Although, I don't think it is unreasonable to ask her not to call so late (of course you/he don't have to answer the phone then).

Hope that helps, sorry for being so wordy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 1:50pm
If you and your BF live together and this woman is calling at 1:30 AM it is impeding on your life as well. I think it is totally appropriate for you to ask him to speak with her about calling less frequently. Also, if she happens to be calling on your home phone I see no reason why you shouldn't be able to ask her to call at a more appropriate time, etc. I don't even think the issue is that she is a woman, it is more the fact that this friend is usurping so much of your BF's time.
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