My boyfriend's little girl caught us!!!!

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Registered: 05-14-2003
My boyfriend's little girl caught us!!!!
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Wed, 09-08-2004 - 7:08pm
We've been dating about 4 months now and I usually don't stay there when his two girls are there but i hadn't seen him in a week and just wanted to "catch up". We thought they were asleep, when she walk into the room just as we were finishing. The next day she asked him what he was doing to me and asked if he wouldn't do it anymore. She keeps asking us if we are going to be getting married (which is not on our minds at all) and now I'm affraid that she'll resent me. She's only 5 but I think she has an idea of what's going on. Is this something that would mess up her and I's relationship. and his and I's relationship?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 7:18pm
alicenjit...

What's wrong with telling this precious (precocious?) little 5-year old that YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CRAZY OVER HER DAD?

If she asks you about "marriage"---all you need to tell her is..."Your Dad & I are so busy watching you grow up, enter kindergarten, and go through so many wonderful changes...that we DON'T want to think about our future or ourselves right now. We'd rather CONCENTRATE on YOU!"

HOW'S THAT?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 7:24pm
Sound good, there's a big problem with the ex also. She kind of uses her little girls to spy on thier dad. And her mom has bad things to say about me and her dad. Another issue is that I'm 9 year younger and the mom hates that too. So I feel that the little girl is getting fed stuff that is making her not like me and her dad
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 7:31pm
I can tell you the reactions and thoughts of my two daughters when they caught my husband on top of me, they thought I would have another baby.

My youngest daughter was seven at that time. I think it puzzled her. For in later years as she was older, she told me that she was shocked.

Since you have only been going together about four months, he should not have introduced you to them. It is not good for if they come to love you, and if your relationship should end, it would be a heartache for them also.

It must have shocked her and she thought her daddy was doing something he shouldn't be doing. The harm has been done.

The next time you have sex, have it somewhere else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 9:16pm
Well, let's see.....at one point she saw her mother and daddy in bed together, and they were a big happy family. Not that necessarily she saw them "in the act" so to speak.

But here's the real point. He's not screwing you in front of his girls and taking risks like that because "you're so great". He's done this with plenty of girls, he's had plenty of women around his little daughters. Not that the children have necessarily ever "caught him in the act".

But basically, he brings any woman he is involved with around his daughters...meaning he has no parental responsibility and self-discipline in regard to that responsiblity. He can't afford a sitter - come here and we'll make popcorn, pretend we're a family and "catch up" after they're in bed, sort of thing.

He's having no prioritization on his children, their impression of him as a parent and a person, and no prioritization on what he teaches them is "right and wrong to do". He's the sort of guy who's "livid" when his 14 year old daughter is caught in HER bed with her boyfriend...and her reasoning is "well, you brought home people all the time and it was okay, so I thought this was just fine".

You're dealing with a man who has no long-term focus or self-responsibility. So...keep that in mind if you're thinking of getting emotionally involved and attached. If you two had kids and split up - he'd be 'doing someone else" in front of that child, as well.

If you're not thinking about getting serious, if you're not in the market for a relationship and are just wanting to date and have fun, sex, and companionship without "emotional attachment to a future" - then he MIGHT be the guy you should continue to date. Because what you're going to find is that this lack of anything buth is own needs/agenda/goals being met is going to prevail......and you certainly don't want to be involved emotionally with a selfish person.

So, if you're going to continue to date him.....STOP BEING AROUND HIS CHILDREN. Not because he asks it - but because you DEMAND/REQUIRE/WON'T DO OTHERWISE ABOUT IT. children don't date...they don't understand that dating is sometimes just about fun, sex, companionship, and sharing events and conversion...and that sometimes dating isa method by which you assess objectively the traits and character and values of the person you're dating for a potential partnership. Kid's don't date - they attach. They learn to rely.

So, you STOP being around his children, period the end. For their sake - not yours, not his.

If that means that you rarely see him because he can't afford to go out...then realize you're not missing much. Because a man that wants to "date" you while he sits his kids - is not looking for a partner in life - he might be looking for a maid, cook, and laundry service...or he might just be looking for some distraction and diversion. But the kids don't need to be traumatized by your presence in theier life, their inclusion of you in their life, only to have you walk off because daddy finds someone else, or you decide that he's selfish, immature, irresponsible, and unstable and you wouldn't want your kids raised by him - so you cease to see him.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 12:08am

Well, that was an unfortunate incident.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 2:00pm
First of all his whole life is is children. He told me that he wanted me to be around his children. They are great girls (he has two of them). He hasn't brought another woman home when they were there before, so he's not just sleeping with random women in his bed. He's never had another woman that he was dateing meet his girls Because they weren't as serious as us. As I said before, I don't stay there unless his girls aren't there. I'm over there with them, but I go to my own home to sleep. That was a one time thing. His girls are really good about having a new friend. They don't think of me as their new mom. They have a mom. He and I have discussed our relationship and as well as things are going right now, we will stay together for a long time. I feel that it is irresponsible for him not to have his two lives come together. He doesn't want to sneek around his children's lives and he wants me to be apart of his.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 2:03pm
Thank you for your support. I know that everyone makes mistakes and this is one that won't happen again. I don't understand how other people on this post are trying to say "hide your life from your kids, because they aren't important to know everything that is going on in your life". Some of these are even saying it was a mistake to even introduce the kids and I. But we are going to be more smart about our lovemaking in the future. Trust me, something uncomfortable like that is reason enough to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 2:23pm
Hon, the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. And the best indicator of past behavior - is present behavior.

You MIGHT be the first woman his girls have been invited to "hang around' - but I doubt seriously you're the first woman that his girls know that he's "been seeing".

Again, children't don't date they bond, they rely on and depend on the adults in thier lives.

You're 4 months into this relationship - in short "your desire for me makes me feel so great about myself I can't get enough of you" (aka - infatuation) is still very much in vogue. I know that you believe you've talked in specifics and in great detail about your values, your lives, your goals, your needs, your priorities, your boundaries - but in reality you've talked in generalities about all those things, if they've been discussed at all.

You two have no idea at this time of whether you two are compatible as partners in life to handle negativity, strife, obligations, joy, and elation. All you know is that "with this person you feel so great about yourself and your life's potential".

Feelings aren't facts, goals, or calls to action. Feelings are real and relevant - they're to be enjoyed and revelled in - but not utilized as facts, or calls to action, or considered goals to be met or pursued.

Here's WHY - from the psychological standpoint - bringing people into children's lives as "equals" to the child is a negative reality in terms of long-term relationship potential.

If children are introduced to everybody that mom/dad date....the children learn quickly that if they don't approve, make a fuss, or cause enough disruption - this "person" will be forced to go away. Either mom/dad won't date them anymore because of the hassles with the child...or the ocstracized and rejected adult will stop dating thier parent because dating is no fun - if you date is constantly on the phone with little Suzie and Johnny because 'they don't like you and want to interrupt your date".

Children being introduced as parents dates from the "this is Mary, and she's my date" - that is a position of authority and responsibility for teh child. The child isn't old enough to make character evaluations....they're simply aware that this is someone "mom or dad" want them to "play nice with".

That entices the adult dating the parent - to "date" the kids. They want to get down on the level with the child, bond and relate, they want to take the child's side so that she gets ice cream even when dad says no...because Mary makes a pouty face at dad and says "puhleeze honey, I want some too". That lowers that adult, in the child's eyes, to an "equal" with them.

What happens if a relationship of equality and mutual benefit deepens into commmitment between the adults is this.......suddenly Mary is now a supervisor, a source of guidance and nurturing - she's to be obeyed and accepted in this role of authority. The child generally rebels against that and acts out negatively in every way as a result - playing dad against Mary - sort of thing. Mary was this child's "equal and ally" and there is no frame of referece for the child to have to elevate her to a positiono of authority without resentment, anger and rebellion.

If you study blended families...you'd see lots of facts....because feelings are a result of situations and your perception of them...but tthose feelings are not facts.

Factually speaking, the most successful blended families are those in which the new step-parent is introduced to the child "not" as an equal, there is not alot of interaction between the child and adult - prior to the position of authority and responsibility on the part of the adult. According to child psychologists, the reason behind it is that the parent has spent quality and quantity time with "just the child"....along with spending quality (not necessarily nearly the quantity of time) with the new step parent. The child is not threatened by this alliance, fearful that he/she will be overlooked or ignored in light of a new playmate. Teh child's been aware all this time - that daddy's time is split (not equally either) between the child, his own life and interests and goals, and this other adult.

Child psychologists of late reiterate that the older a child is......the less that the parent is "choosing a partner that is parentally inclined". In other words, the older the children are - the less guidance and nurturing and supervising they need (not necessarily the more discipline or instruction) - at 10 or 12 - you've got a very "formidible adult" on your hands in many ways. Therefore, teh parent is seeking "partnership for his/her own pleasure" with lesser prioritization on this partner being a "bonded parent" with the child. Although the step parent is going to contribute and sacrifice because the child is in teh equation - obviously.

But the bottom line is....he's NOT prioritizing the well-being and best interests and long-term stability of his children - in dating you in front of them. And to be honest, he's not being entirely fair to you either. Although if you're seeking a committed relationship - there is nothing that gives off the impression (often falsely) of that than "ssitting at home, watching the kids, and cuddling in front of TV".

When these children are grown and gone.....his mate will have sacrificed, worked, given, and striven for their best interests and well-being in accordance with HIS standards, values and prioriites (hopefully she shares them pretty much). And what will be left are two people who NOW....rather than pre-children in the relationship....are ready to enjoy one another. However, there is another statistic that is becoming more and more evidence as divorce is more and more accepted and acceptable in our society.

That quite often the people that marry while thier children are young, in the years where sacrifice, prioritization, and dedication are required on behalf of the kids....get divorced once the kids are grown and gone. The reason: they married people to help shoulder the responsibilities they felt unable to meet on their own. They didn't prioritize getting to know these people asindividuals first to find out if they shared common interests or goals except in generalities.

And so the two people who got along at the "business of raising a family" - and who were always working, sacrificing, and putting the best interests and well-being of the children first...find themselves staring at one another at around 45 to 50 years of age going "and you're who again, you like to do what? YOu're kidding, I hate that."

Unfortunately, women that find themselves single again from around 45 on......have a much harder time finding a mate. Younger men aren't overmuch wanting to date them, or form a relationship if dating is an option. And older men that prioritized "having a parnter" got one around 30 and are still with her.

Men however, find themselves in a more enviable position if they're still relatively fit and financially sound. Most 20 or 30 something women arehappy to date, and eventually marry - because he's able to prioritize nothing but her, and he's got the funds to be able to lavish the attention luxuriously on her as well.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 4:11pm

Erin, I liked your discussion about the dangers of a boyfriend/girlfriend setting themselves up as the child's "equal."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 8:23pm
I was actually just reading through the message board looking for people who have found themselves in awkward situations. A nationally synduicated tv show is looking to help people learn the best ways to handle sticky situations with grace!

If you would like to share your story while helping millions of women who have found themselves in this situation please email me at tvshowguests@yahoo.com.

thanks!

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