My b/riend trapped by older ex - help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
My b/riend trapped by older ex - help
21
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 6:29am

My Boyfriend is trapped emotionally by much older ex. This is an update from my last discussion – Should I be suspicious.

He is still in contact with his ex who is 16 years older than him – she is 56 now he is 38. I am 4 years younger than him. They were together for 16 years and have been officially apart for 2 years when he moved out. The reason being – he needed to move on.

He is very guarded with his life when we are not together – which has made me feel I am on the outside. I discussed this with him and he said he needed time that this relationship is what he was looking for but ts all a shock to the system as it is more than what he expected. He has also told me that although he is loves me he has a great time with me i-e no problems but he feels unhappy in general and he doesn’t know why. He has told me that he feels guilty that she is 56 and the chances of her meeting someone a slim.

He has told me that they do not have contact yet I have been present when she has called an the tone of the conversation is that they are in constant contact. Also he avoids going to places where we might bump into her i.e let’s not go there me might bump into niki – this has happened a few times. Also he has a screen show of photos on his lap top at home which foes randomly through pics – she comes up every 20th – I have said nothing to him although it drives me nuts. I have caught him lying – phone rings at home he is in the bathroom I see who it is – he tells me it’s a mate. I have again said nothing

I have told him in the past that I do not see her as a threat (i.e him going back) however right now I do see her hold on him and his inability to go forward and feel free – he feels trapped and he feels that there is no way out – that is what I am suspecting – which means he will never fully emotionally invest in me and this relationship cannot progress from where it is now. He always hints as I have mentioned in my previous posts at a future but then withdraws quickly…Eg a week ago he said he wants to give me keys to his place – today he wanted to bring something over but I am working late and I said I will give you my keys and make a copy while you at it for you…he said oaaaahhh bit early ��� I replied well you mentioned it so I am taking the cue from you plus I want you to have them – my place I want you to feel is your home too. He said yeah you’re right

This is making me down and I keep thinking about it – I am in love but the hot and cold and the secrets and hanging on to the past is getting me down. My girlfriends tell me to act like nothing is happening and he will snap out of it in time – however somehow I don’t think so otherwise he would be keeping it away from me as he is scared of losing me.

Should I tell him that I know he is trapped and that he is not cutting ties = danger or let it ride…ps we are going away for 10 days in 2 weeks maybe this will be a test

Honestly sometimes (I feel like telling him to go back to her) .

What should I do?????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 6:37am

PS they were together since he was 20 - this I also found out recently originally he told me it was 12 years together not 12 - he stayed with her for so long as she had cancer at some point....Now I am feeling bad for her...maybe he is a rat leaving her at 56 i dn't know maybe she should leave the guy alone to live his life...but why should she if he is responding and keeping it contact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 9:25am

what to do? Take yourself out of the equation - let him get his life together and figure out whatHE wants and let him do what is necessary.

I have done this scenario - you 'feel' like an outsider because you are - this man is closed and is not letting you or anyone into his heart. He is guarded and hiding things from you and himself.

Emotionally he is immature - he allows others to dictate his actions and feelings - he isn't able to think and decide for himself what is best for him - thus staying with someone out of 'guilt' - the only reason to stay in a love relationship is because it is mutually benefical in a postivie way. He stayed because he got something from it - as he is in staying in touch with this woman now - it keeps him UNAVAILABLE for a real and truly intimate relationship.

HOn, an unavailable man is UNAVAILABLE! The reasons why do not matter - he is UNAVAILABLE for anything deep and honest and open. And until HE does the work necessary to reconcile his own emotions and learn to decide for himself what is best, he will NOT be a good partner - you will always feel on the outside looking in. You will always be wanting more and you will keep hanging onto the hope that he will 'get it' He may, he may not - but that is not your concern.

The best thing nyou can do for yourself - and him - is to tell him that you care deeply for him but it is apparent that he isn't fully ready to be in a relationship with you. Suggest that he takes some time to get really clear on what he wants and to call you when he figures that out - and then you let him go and you focus on YOUR life.

He needs to stay on the vine a while longer to fully mature and ripen. If you choose to stay in this situation just do so knowing that the odds are HIGH that you will be deeply hurt and it will end badly. If you truly love the man, love him enough to let him go and grow and become a whole man - he is damaged goods right now.

YOu can suffer needlessly hanging on or you can let him go gently, live your life and have faith that what is meant for you will not pass you by.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 11:22am

Your guy carries a lot of baggage.

"I discussed this with him and he said he needed time that this relationship is what he was looking for but ts all a shock to the system as it is more than what he expected."
---> when it comes to love, timing is usually inconvenient.

"He has also told me that although he is loves me he has a great time with me i-e no problems but he feels unhappy in general and he doesn’t know why."--> maybe he can go to a counselor or someone who is an objective third party and sort through all of his emotions.

"He has told me that he feels guilty that she is 56 and the chances of her meeting someone a slim."-->That is no longer his problem. She was a consenting adult, fully aware that the relationship could break apart (like they all can). Unless he promised her "forever" then I dont know why he would feel guilty.

"He has told me that they do not have contact yet I have been present when she has called an the tone of the conversation is that they are in constant contact."---> why is he lying to you? To avoid hurting you? So he ends up hurting both of you because he cant summon the strength to tell this woman that he doesn't want anything with her anymore.

"Also he has a screen show of photos on his lap top at home which foes randomly through pics – she comes up every 20th – I have said nothing to him although it drives me nuts."----> there is nothing wrong with asking him to remove her from his computer.

"I have said nothing to him although it drives me nuts. I have caught him lying – phone rings at home he is in the bathroom I see who it is – he tells me it’s a mate. I have again said nothing."--->the lying will prevent this relationship from taking off. He needs to know that.

"I have told him in the past that I do not see her as a threat (i.e him going back) however right now I do see her hold on him and his inability to go forward and feel free – he feels trapped and he feels that there is no way out – that is what I am suspecting �� which means he will never fully emotionally invest in me and this relationship cannot progress from where it is now."---> It's really not her hold on him...it's more like he doens't know how to navigate in waters where he has to possibly hurt someone's feelings in order to get what he wants down the road. He is the one doing this to himself. And by not possessing the strength to do the right thing, he ends up hurting everyone, including himself.

"This is making me down and I keep thinking about it – I am in love but the hot and cold and the secrets and hanging on to the past is getting me down."--> I can certainly see why this would get you down. He needs to make a clean break from this ex and know that he is doing her a favor while he is making that break. He also needs to desire happiness and if that happiness includes you, then why wouldn't he want to make that break. We all feel guilt if we hurt someone but this ex will hurt MORE if he keeps dragging this on. So if he really doens't want to cause her to feel pain, then he will make that break sooner than later.

You need to express what you want..which is that he fully emotionally invest in this relationship. Maybe your friends tell you to ignore it in the event that he might be playing games with you. You describe the ways in which he unwittingly sabatoges any development of your relationship and if he really wants happiness and you then he will break from this woman.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 11:51am

I'm sorry but I think your friends are giving you bad advice. People don't "snap out of" being dishonest. That's a deep-seated character issue.

All the baggage of his old relationship aside (and it's big in and of itself), do you really want to be with a liar????

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 2:59pm

Hi catherine-0104,


You can't make him get over the guilt he feels.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 11:04pm

He sounds like a douche. :)

I have many questions:

1. Did she support him financially while they were together?
2. Are you contributing most of $$$ into the relationship?
3. Are you definitely sure they are not a couple anymore?
4. Has he introduce you to her as his girlfriend?
5. Since I didn't read your last post. :( I don't know how long you guys been together. It plays a factor too.

I totally agree with other ladies on here. He lied to you and relationships are based on trust. Even though he may not lie to you again, Can you truly believe him???

I think your intuition is telling you to let him go <>

YOU are first in your life so You deserved the relationship that reach to the fullest joy.

DO NOT LET HIM FOOL YOU.

Best of luck,

Ukia

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 5:58am

he has no intention of telling her he is in a relationship. I spoke about my concerns to him on saturday...how i felt he was in contact etc. He denied that he was in regular contact and that I am his focus not her...that he feels soory for her.

I asked him a crucial question - if she knows that he is in a relationship. He said no as it will hurt her and he has no intention of telling her in the near future...I said i do not like that you are lying to her and i do like that you are emotionally irresponsible both to her, to me but most of al to yourself.

I left it at that...but i feel icey towards him. I do not want to be with a man who is irresponsible and a coward.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 9:14am

<>

Then walk away with your digity intact. A relationship that is kept secret is not healthy. Besides it seems he is far less concerned with your feelings than hers. Remaining in a situation where you feel you must 'compete' for attention is wasting your time. A man who is emotionally well balanced and secure doesn't play both sides of the fence. He clearly doesn't know what he wants or he would recognize it and take the steps necessary to have it - and give 100% of himself to that relationship. He is giving neither of you very much.

Choose better for yourself - staying will erode your self esteem and peace.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 9:39am

How can you be his focus if he doesn't tell her he is in a relationship? Then you are not the focus, HE is.

This is the bottom line is "I do not want to be with a man who is irresponsible and a coward." And, unfortunately this is what you have. We dont like to see reality sometimes because then we have to address the fact that our hopes are crushed.

The relationship is already ending inside of you, it is just a matter of you putting on the finishing touches.

Sorry to hear he is so selfish and irresponsible with everyone's feelings, but you are better off without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 9:47pm

Yes, It is not right of him to lie to both of you.

Best thing would be leave him and get him out of your life. :) but thats only my opinion.

Good luck...

ukia

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