My b/riend trapped by older ex - help
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| Wed, 07-18-2007 - 6:29am |
My Boyfriend is trapped emotionally by much older ex. This is an update from my last discussion – Should I be suspicious.
He is still in contact with his ex who is 16 years older than him – she is 56 now he is 38. I am 4 years younger than him. They were together for 16 years and have been officially apart for 2 years when he moved out. The reason being – he needed to move on.
He is very guarded with his life when we are not together – which has made me feel I am on the outside. I discussed this with him and he said he needed time that this relationship is what he was looking for but ts all a shock to the system as it is more than what he expected. He has also told me that although he is loves me he has a great time with me i-e no problems but he feels unhappy in general and he doesn’t know why. He has told me that he feels guilty that she is 56 and the chances of her meeting someone a slim.
He has told me that they do not have contact yet I have been present when she has called an the tone of the conversation is that they are in constant contact. Also he avoids going to places where we might bump into her i.e let’s not go there me might bump into niki – this has happened a few times. Also he has a screen show of photos on his lap top at home which foes randomly through pics – she comes up every 20th – I have said nothing to him although it drives me nuts. I have caught him lying – phone rings at home he is in the bathroom I see who it is – he tells me it’s a mate. I have again said nothing
I have told him in the past that I do not see her as a threat (i.e him going back) however right now I do see her hold on him and his inability to go forward and feel free – he feels trapped and he feels that there is no way out – that is what I am suspecting – which means he will never fully emotionally invest in me and this relationship cannot progress from where it is now. He always hints as I have mentioned in my previous posts at a future but then withdraws quickly…Eg a week ago he said he wants to give me keys to his place – today he wanted to bring something over but I am working late and I said I will give you my keys and make a copy while you at it for you…he said oaaaahhh bit early ��� I replied well you mentioned it so I am taking the cue from you plus I want you to have them – my place I want you to feel is your home too. He said yeah you’re right
This is making me down and I keep thinking about it – I am in love but the hot and cold and the secrets and hanging on to the past is getting me down. My girlfriends tell me to act like nothing is happening and he will snap out of it in time – however somehow I don’t think so otherwise he would be keeping it away from me as he is scared of losing me.
Should I tell him that I know he is trapped and that he is not cutting ties = danger or let it ride…ps we are going away for 10 days in 2 weeks maybe this will be a test
Honestly sometimes (I feel like telling him to go back to her) .
What should I do?????

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I am sorry to hear about your story. It sounds to me like it's a very unhealthy realtionship. If I were you, I would get out of it as soon as posible. Seems to me like he is really hurting your self-esteem and a self-worth as a woman. Leave this liar alone and remember: " Respect yourself, it always comes first, and men come later!" Good luck.
SasH
That's garbage! He doesn't want to hurt HER feelings, but he's ok with hurting YOURS?
Walk away girlfriend. You deserve SOOO much better than this.
I found out they are going away together for a few days - he lied saying he was leaving on a business trip which included the weekend. I called both of their offices and the receptionist said they were on oliday leave till monday..Yes I snooped and I am not pround of it...
Anyway I am not answering any calls and I am going to let him fret over why i am not answering....i will then answer at some point and ask him if he has anything he wants to tell me...
It so over i feel very hurt and i feel like a blooming idiot...the signs were there and i chose to ignore them...I acted with warmth and honesty and all i got was someone who just wanted to live the moment with little regard for my feelings..
I was deeply betrayed by my ex husband who lived a double life for years..it took me years to get over it and let go of the past to be confronted by a similar pattern ...maybe i am falling into some sort of pattern both were taureans with taurean ascendants...
To be honest i have lost all faith in relationships...
SAD ANGRY AND HURT
why are you being passive about this? Don't ask him to offer the truth - tell him what you know and how you expect to be treated and that he isn't meeting those expectations therefore you are choosing to do what is best for you - cutting all ties with him.
This asking if he has anything to tell you is not being direct and to the point - it also puts him in such a defensive posture that there will never be anything but more anger and defensiveness. By stating that you are aware that he went away with her and that you want to be in a committed relationship wiht a man who knows what he wants in general and with YOU, you retain control of you.
The pattern you are in has nothing to do with taureans - it has to do with the level of trust and respect that you have in yourself - like attracts like - when you get involved with ambivalent men - the first place to look is at yourself - what about you is ambivalent and noncommittal? HOn, people treat you with the level of honesty and respect that you require - if you don't require absolute integrity and respect don't blame someone esle for not giving it.
Examine your role in your relationships - you are the common denominator - you are choosing these men - when you take thetime to figure out why then you will be able to take action to change the pattern.
Toni
He threw it all in my face and spoke about my level of trust...I asked him if he was being truthful about his trip...he went crazy on me saying i don't trust him and it is something that he admired in his ex - that she never questioned him and always trusted him. I told him its not about trust but that he has erroded my confidence and I have some issues in that he has not cut ties and that there is an attachment - that he is lying to her
he blamed me...he said he has no intention of telling her anything that she she will always be a part of his life and if i can't stomach it ...to end it now..I was shocked with his callousness ...he said that trust is a big issue for him and i how can i love him if i dont trust him?....i felt so conered and helpless...he made me feel like a piece of dirt..I asked him 'well what about my feelings do they count for anything?' he didn't answer...it was like well you are only a four month thing with her i have a life behind me...
I said to him that i feel that i am with someone who has shadows..he said that i am chasing shadows...
You are probably right i choose the wrong men and i have a pattern. however i must admit that in the case with this guy i was clear and upfront about everything with him i showed love and respect...
All i can say is that after this conversation i feel so bad and he made me feel that i am in the wrong...
<>
This is exactly what he was hoping you'd feel - people who have nothing to hide HIDE NOTHING - and they dont' lay a guilt trip on you about lack of trust and blame you for the distrust. this is what a controller will do - he misdirects HIS deception to YOUR insecurity so you will doubt yourself and stay under his control.
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Again - making it YOUR fault for not believing in him rather than seeking to understand your feelings and working WITH you to build and maintain trust.
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Hon, its more than being clear and upfront and 'whowing love and resepct' to him - you have to do it for YOURSELF before anyone else will do it for you. YOu accepted his inconsistencies, his ambivalence and rationalized away his having 2 women in his life - that was not showing love or respect to YOU. When a person is 100% clear on who they are, what matters to them and what they want in life and how they expect to be treated - it shows in how they treat themselves and allow others to treat them. You might have 'said' I want this - but by allowing him to treat you poorly, your actions say entirely another 'I don't deserve better'. When you DECIDE that 'YES I do deserve better and will only accept better" only then will you actually get it.
<.
He is counting on that - he is not a good guy. YOu feel bad because you doubt your own worth and thoughts - he can't make you feel anything you aren't ready to agree with.
Hon, staying in this situation will do one thing - further erode your self esteem. You will always be trying to compete against a woman he has no intentions of letting go - you are ENOUGH - but he isn't enough for you. Make a choice today - that you want more and go for it. I also urge you to seek counseling to help you work on your destructive patterns and self esteem.
No one will ever treat you better or love you better than you do for yourself. Until you love, cherish, respect and value yourself - you will continue to attract and get involved with men like this.
Toni
Listen to tonitoons. She is correct. You are trying to get him to change his way of behaving and it is not working. So now he turns everything around on you so that it appears his behavior is your fault.
You need to break up with this man. I know you invested some time in this relationship but it is not worth another minute more. He is not going to ever be honest with you. He presented deception to you when you presented truth and love. He will always attempt to shove his deception down your throat and blame you. He is not well. He has psychological problems. And you need to exit as fast as possible.
If and when he contacts you after this trip. Your best course of action is to plainly say that you are no longer interested in a relationship with him. And no "friends" either. Do not go into detail about anything. He is not worth any effort on your part at all. That is how I like to leave things...with as little said as possible. Leave with your head held high knowing you took care of yourself.
I wish right now i was stronger...everything that you have told me makes sense - heck i have a psych major - should know better..
The latest is last night on my way home from work i was so uptight and fraught that my gums started to bleed..he called me at 11pm on my cell and i said call me at home...he said i am not home (i didnt comment)...he wasn't out though it was clear he was indoors as i could hear the tv in the background
basically he was trying to smooth things over without giving way anything...'lets calm down..i want you to trust me...dont worry all is ok between us (like it was he he was making the decisions and had the control and not me) i love you and it breaks my heart that i am going away for 5 days...bla bla bla...Clearly he wants it all he doesn't want out (I know now its about what i want and what i deserve)
It made me feel sick inside...i feel sick today i can't eat I am at work and my mind is elsewhere...i feel like i am totally out in the cold..
You guys are right this is about me and the esteem and respect i have for myself for putting up with this behaviour, treatment etc..
I have to find the strength to cut it short without warning..is it a cop out to do it over the phone or worse ITS OVER via sms? Do i not answer calls until he gets back - let him fret and lay it on him face to face...
Please give me strength not to crumble and just hang onto something and play dumb for a relationship which doesn't exist
:( :(
I'm not sure I understand why it's even necessary to say anything. Surely he knows it's not acceptable for him to be doing what he's doing.
But if you feel you have to say something, then yes, a phone call or a message is fine under the circumstances. Why give him another chance to talk you out of it?
Sheri
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