My b/riend trapped by older ex - help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
My b/riend trapped by older ex - help
21
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 6:29am

My Boyfriend is trapped emotionally by much older ex. This is an update from my last discussion – Should I be suspicious.

He is still in contact with his ex who is 16 years older than him – she is 56 now he is 38. I am 4 years younger than him. They were together for 16 years and have been officially apart for 2 years when he moved out. The reason being – he needed to move on.

He is very guarded with his life when we are not together – which has made me feel I am on the outside. I discussed this with him and he said he needed time that this relationship is what he was looking for but ts all a shock to the system as it is more than what he expected. He has also told me that although he is loves me he has a great time with me i-e no problems but he feels unhappy in general and he doesn’t know why. He has told me that he feels guilty that she is 56 and the chances of her meeting someone a slim.

He has told me that they do not have contact yet I have been present when she has called an the tone of the conversation is that they are in constant contact. Also he avoids going to places where we might bump into her i.e let’s not go there me might bump into niki – this has happened a few times. Also he has a screen show of photos on his lap top at home which foes randomly through pics – she comes up every 20th – I have said nothing to him although it drives me nuts. I have caught him lying – phone rings at home he is in the bathroom I see who it is – he tells me it’s a mate. I have again said nothing

I have told him in the past that I do not see her as a threat (i.e him going back) however right now I do see her hold on him and his inability to go forward and feel free – he feels trapped and he feels that there is no way out – that is what I am suspecting – which means he will never fully emotionally invest in me and this relationship cannot progress from where it is now. He always hints as I have mentioned in my previous posts at a future but then withdraws quickly…Eg a week ago he said he wants to give me keys to his place – today he wanted to bring something over but I am working late and I said I will give you my keys and make a copy while you at it for you…he said oaaaahhh bit early ��� I replied well you mentioned it so I am taking the cue from you plus I want you to have them – my place I want you to feel is your home too. He said yeah you’re right

This is making me down and I keep thinking about it – I am in love but the hot and cold and the secrets and hanging on to the past is getting me down. My girlfriends tell me to act like nothing is happening and he will snap out of it in time – however somehow I don’t think so otherwise he would be keeping it away from me as he is scared of losing me.

Should I tell him that I know he is trapped and that he is not cutting ties = danger or let it ride…ps we are going away for 10 days in 2 weeks maybe this will be a test

Honestly sometimes (I feel like telling him to go back to her) .

What should I do?????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 5:02pm

Double sad faces? Not good.

You see? He is STILL turning this around and making it look like he is the victim instead of you. How NICE of him to make the decision FOR you that everything is ok between the two of you.

If this were me, this is how I would handle it:
1)this creep doesn't even deserve a phone call - send him an email. And why take a chance that he is going to spin this around you again and confuse you?

2)the email would say something to this affect:

Dear Creep (or whatever his name is):
I have thought about our previous conversations, assessed what I want out of life and what you are willing to offer and have determined that this relationship no longer interests me.

Please do not attempt to contact me, as I am no longer interested in speaking with you. I wish you and "older woman's name" all the best.

Goodbye,
Catherine

If you elaborate in your email or on the phone with him, he'll twist everything around on you. Block his emails and his phone calls. If he comes to your house, do not let him in the house. If he insists on talking just slam the door on him. If he doesn't want to leave, call the police. If you do feel compelled to talk to him, do it in public in front of your house. He lost the privilege to enter your home by betraying you. Just keep repeating "I do not want to be in a relationship with you any longer. It is not giving me what I want. And in all honesty I do not think very highly of you and my opinion of you has changed."

Good luck.

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