My committment issue drove boy away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
My committment issue drove boy away?
8
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 5:10pm

Hi everyone!

I’ve been dating a guy for 2 mths & slept together for the 1st time about a month into it. From the beginning, after we slept together & up until this point, he's been pushing for a RL & asked numerously to be committed/exclusive. I’ve told him I prefer to just take things day-by-day & see where it goes because I wasn't ready to be exclusive & I don't want to “put all my eggs in 1 basket” until I can trust you.

So we continued along & made plans to see each other but he cancelled last minute stating he got called into work. I told him I was hurt & disappointed being he'd cancelled plans once before. He thought I was being a little unreasonable & perhaps I was but I couldn’t help but feel let down.

So the next night, I met up w/a guy I'd become friends w/about a month prior to meeting my current guy. Long story short, guy I'm dating found out & left me a voicemail saying how upset he was & that he couldn’t believe I was out on a date with another guy (btw, this happened after we had already slept 2-gether). I called him back explaining he was just a friend & that I wasn’t interested in my friend romantically. We talked through it & made plans to see each other the next day so we went out for a bite to eat, came back to my place & spent most of the day just hugging & kissing which was nice however he seemed distant.

Still though, we'd continue to talk pretty much every day – sometimes he'd call me 3-4 times in one day & it was pretty much he who did all the calling, initiating plans, etc.

We spoke last Thursday, he asked to see me but I later had to cancel due to work. He told me to call him when I got home & which I did around 10:30pm. No answer so I just hung up. I figured he went to bed so texted him saying I missed seeing him & to have a good night.

Didn't hear from him the next day so I called him later that evening around 11:30pm or so. Again no answer & I left no message. He has caller ID so I figured if he wanted to call back he would. I called him a week later which was yesterday morning, again he didn't answer so I left a message just saying hi & to call back if he wants. Haven't heard from him since.

The last time we talked about “us” (which again he brought up), was a few days before I cancelled plans. He asked if I’d eventually want to be in a RL w/him because his biggest fear is that one day I’d decide I’d rather just be friends & want to move onto someone else. So at this point, I don’t know what to think. I don't know if my unwillingness to commit, him thinking I was out on a date w/another guy & or me cancelling plans a couple weeks later drove him away or what. Should I cease all contact & move on or give him some time...

Anyone have any suggestions/advice, I could really use it. Thanks.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 5:43pm

Let it go. You can't force him to return your calls.

Who knows why he stopped calling but I'd venture to guess it was more his insecurity issues than your commitment issues that made him decide the two of you weren't right for each other. But regardless, the two of you weren't on the same page so let it go.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 8:26pm

Well, my advice depends on what you want. Are you ready to commit to him and him alone? If so, you should call and tell him so (leave a message if necessary). As, yes, it does seem like part of the reason he dropped contact with you is because he was looking for a committed relationship and you were telling and showing him that you were not. So, if you tell him this new information (that you are ready to commit) then it might change his mind.

If you're not ready to commit to him, then I think you should move on, as clearly he isn't interested in a casual fling.

But don't let him pressure you into a commitment if you're truly not ready.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 8:58pm

Thanks ioveranalyze. I do want to be with him, I'm just terrified that something will happen down the road, he'll dissappoint me in some way & I'll end up hurt. I know that's the chance you sometimes have to take, but I guess my last relationship did a number on me & has kind of made me jaded. If I go to him now saying I want a relationship, he's most likely going to think that the only reason I do is out of fear of losing him & that's not the way you should enter into a relationship with someone, is it? I just wanted a little more time to get to know him before deciding on anything but I guess he's not willing to invest that time which is upsetting to me. I know he's been hurt in the past too, we all have, his last gf cheated on him so I'm sure he has his own reservations.

I guess I should just let him be & if he decides I'm worth investing a little more time in getting to know before jumping into a RL, then so be it right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 9:25pm

I think that sometimes people need a jolt to realize what's important to them. So, if the fear of losing him was the jolt you needed to realize that you wanted to be with him, I certainly don't see anything bad in that.

I suspect, with what you told me about his last girlfriend cheating on him, that he had flashbacks to that situation when he learned you went out with another guy (not knowing the guy was just a friend). And it may be that's what scared him off because he doesn't want to feel like he's competing.

But if you are still feeling jaded and out of sorts (which happens and is normal), then I agree that you should just take things slow. Do what feels best to you, and you'll be fine.

If for whatever reason things with this guy don't go anywhere further, then it will give you more time to heal and deal with your issues before meeting someone who will be an even better fit for you.

All the best!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 4:27am

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I think that says most of what you need to know. You slept with him relatively early, then said you don't want to be exclusive until you can trust him. Later, you mentioned you didn't want to get hurt and that was part of your apprehension. Huh? After sleeping with him, if it ended, wouldn't you be hurt in some way anyway? Aren't you kinda hurting now?

When I read that first paragraph, I was thinking how much your behaviour sounded so like what girls come on here to get help with. "He slept with me and I want to have something more, but he just wants to be friends. Is he using me?"

Like what the others said, I don't think you're on the same page as him, so you should probably put this one down to experience and take on board what you've learnt, for next time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 4:36am

I agree with the other posts in that you sound like what a guy usually does when he is stringing a girl along. Not that you are stringing him along, but he thinks you are. When a guy tells me he wants to take things slow or doesn't know what he wants AND is seeing another girl (whether for friendship/dating/whatever) I expect him to not be serious about me. When you cancelled the date, he figured you were with the other guy.

If you want him, you need to go to his house and apologize for sending mixed signals and drop the friendship with the other guy. You can still be friends with the other guy, but not in an intimate setting if you want to build trust.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 9:25pm

He definitely sounds insecure but you've been through enough together to really try to have a give and take communication to each get your points across. You said you don't want to commit until you feel you can trust in the person and the relationship. Does he even know that?


,
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 10:15pm

"He definitely sounds insecure but you've been through enough together to really try to have a give and take communication to each get your points across. You said you don't want to commit until you feel you can trust in the person and the relationship. Does he even know that?"

Yes he knows, I've told him that & his response has been that I shouldn't have such a negative outlook & expect the worse of people & that even though I've been hurt in the past, that sometimes you have to take a chance & put yourself out there & hope for the best.

"And did you partly cancel last minute to get back at him because he'd cancelled on you twice previously and it upset you? Something to think about"

Yes, I ashamingly admit that part of me did. I know that is terrible of me to do which clearly shows me that I am just not ready to be in a relationship. It's been two years since I broke up w/my last bf (who had cheated on me) so I know that has a lot to do w/my warped way of thinking.