My darkest moments
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| Thu, 08-31-2006 - 12:59pm |
I am an not a promiscous woman. I have had a a few long-term relationship but my choice of men have not been very healthy relationships. by that I mean emotional abuse, mental abuse....now I know that I allowed it to happen. The relationship I want to speak of is the one that has changed my life in every way possible. It was the first time I realized I am no longer "normal". We lived together for 2 years and stayed together for a total of 5 years I'll even push that 6th year because it took me awhile to let go of my issues with him. When I met him he was separated from his wife (who was in another state). We ended up together and lived together for 2 years. They eventually worked their problems out. I had no idea he was communicating with her until he told me I had to leave because she was returning home. I was devastated.
I continued to stay with him hoping we would once again return. He said the reason they were together was because of his daughter (but that they didnt sleep together....and yes I believed him). I dated him thinking he was only with him. It was a week after my 26th birthday I received a call from his other girlfriend. She had warts....I found out I had herpes and warts. I also found out that he had several woman that he was sleeping with besides me even when we had lived together. That was 5 years ago.
Today I try and date and I find myself in instances of deep depression. At times I think I will never find someone to accept me but I have had 3 long term relationships that knew of my STD. However, I am at a battle within myself and find myself at times crying. I cry at times because I feel sorry for myself about my STD but then I beat myself up because I knew he was no good but LOVE is what kept me there and I think how pathetic can I be? I knew better and I still choice to play.
I want to get out of my lack of inadequacy as a woman and want to know how I should deal with this as I continue to date. I have met man that want to date me but I won't allow anything to happen because of my disgust of myself to even tell them my darkest secret. How can I trust? when I can't seem to fix my inadequacy as a woman...yet knowing that I am beautiful where do I turn for myself? I'm embarrsed to seek emotional support and at times I am fine but, when I find someone that wants to date me ...even kissing makes me cringe how can I kiss someone when I know that I will eventually have to tell them I have Herpes.

I'm sorry you've had such a bad experience.