My darkest moments

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2006
My darkest moments
2
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 12:59pm

I am an not a promiscous woman. I have had a a few long-term relationship but my choice of men have not been very healthy relationships. by that I mean emotional abuse, mental abuse....now I know that I allowed it to happen. The relationship I want to speak of is the one that has changed my life in every way possible. It was the first time I realized I am no longer "normal". We lived together for 2 years and stayed together for a total of 5 years I'll even push that 6th year because it took me awhile to let go of my issues with him. When I met him he was separated from his wife (who was in another state). We ended up together and lived together for 2 years. They eventually worked their problems out. I had no idea he was communicating with her until he told me I had to leave because she was returning home. I was devastated.

I continued to stay with him hoping we would once again return. He said the reason they were together was because of his daughter (but that they didnt sleep together....and yes I believed him). I dated him thinking he was only with him. It was a week after my 26th birthday I received a call from his other girlfriend. She had warts....I found out I had herpes and warts. I also found out that he had several woman that he was sleeping with besides me even when we had lived together. That was 5 years ago.

Today I try and date and I find myself in instances of deep depression. At times I think I will never find someone to accept me but I have had 3 long term relationships that knew of my STD. However, I am at a battle within myself and find myself at times crying. I cry at times because I feel sorry for myself about my STD but then I beat myself up because I knew he was no good but LOVE is what kept me there and I think how pathetic can I be? I knew better and I still choice to play.

I want to get out of my lack of inadequacy as a woman and want to know how I should deal with this as I continue to date. I have met man that want to date me but I won't allow anything to happen because of my disgust of myself to even tell them my darkest secret. How can I trust? when I can't seem to fix my inadequacy as a woman...yet knowing that I am beautiful where do I turn for myself? I'm embarrsed to seek emotional support and at times I am fine but, when I find someone that wants to date me ...even kissing makes me cringe how can I kiss someone when I know that I will eventually have to tell them I have Herpes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 1:17pm

I'm sorry you've had such a bad experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2006
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 8:01pm
Its hard to deal with but I know your right about forgiving myself. I will utilize the link you gave me. I had another response from someone else and I am also checking that out. I cannot deal with and perhaps I need to seek counseling but everytime I try I dont go through with it. I become so overwhelmed within myself that it tears me apart. It is hard enough to date and have to agonize about letting someone know something so personnel. Thank you for your positive thoughts.