Is my definition of love unrealistic

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2004
Is my definition of love unrealistic
2
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 9:03am
I always thought that I would know I was in love when I met a person who I was not only physically and sexually attracted to but who I considered to be my bestfriend. Someone who I could be completely myself with and who I could share my hopes and dreams. But now I'm not sure this is a realistic view of love. I have doubts about my thinking because I was so sure I had that type of relationship with my ex and I was wrong.

He told me I was his best friend and I know we had the emotional aspect of a relationship but I also thought we had the physical aspect. I mean I wouldn't think a guy would stay in a relationship for a year if he wasn't phyically attracted or if there wasn't a sexual attraction- would they? He never complained about being with me and to this day still says he enjoyed being with me. He even talked about what our kids would look like.

So was I wrong to think that what we had was love and that he loved me or is my definition of love unrealistic?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 9:18am
You are not being unrealistic. I have had the type of relationship you described for many, many years (emotional and physical closeness, passion and deep friendship). It gets better and stronger over time. That's the key. IMO it takes at least a full year to get to know someone. Feelings change over time and sometimes you discover what you thought you had really isn't there...you were just hoping it would develop or grow into what you wanted it to be. Maybe that's what happened with your bf. The point is, you'll never really know b/c you cannot be inside his head. He was probably just giving it enough time to be sure it wasn't right for him and you should feel lucky that he admitted that and allowed you both to continue the search for something that will be. He may well have considered you his best friend and loved and cared about you, enjoyed his time with you, etc. That automatically doesn't make it a right fit. Obviously for him it wasn't and that is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Not everyone is right for everyone else. It's just a fact of life. You can like someone, love someone, enjoy being with them and still not be right for them. Just accept that as the way it is and keep searching for the type of relationship you want for yourself. Really the only way you know if something is what you want is with the passage of time, if it lasts and gets better, or fizzles out. Don't settle for less, or that's what you'll end up with. You get what you accept for yourself. Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 9:22am
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You would think I know personally I wouldn't, but not all people are the same. Some people feel that you fit 90% of what they want in a lifetime partner so they sacrifice the sexual attraction. I know it seems odd but I have a friend who hasn't liked sleeping with his girlfriend since the first 3 months of dating, turns her down most of the time and he'll probably end up marrying her because he feels she fits the "mold" of a perfect spouse.

I think that's more sad than being alone.