My DRUNK friend came on to my man

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
My DRUNK friend came on to my man
12
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 2:41am
I am so confused, here is some background: I have been dating my (married) boyfriend for about 8 years (embarrasing I know). We have always had great sex and have more than once discussed (during sex) inviting another party to join us (both male & female). It has always been something just talked about in the heat of passion and maybe even one day will consider in reality if the right situation & person comes up. Recently I invited him to come to my house while I had a good friend over. She knows he and I have very little time together and that I am crazy in love with him, so when he came in, she said she'd be leaving after she finished her drink. Then 1 drink turned to all the champagne in my house and all the white wine I had chilled (I think it was about 5 bottles by the time this was over).



This was the first time they had the opportunity to meet and to talk so I was ok that she stayed at first. A couple of drinks later, she became more and more "friendly" with him, she was trying to defend me in that he should realize how good he has it with me because I love him so much, you know that kind of talk up that friends give when they know there have been problems in a relationship. The talk turned very sexual (somehow) and all kinds of obsenities were brought up. Remember this is the first time she's meeting him and she's talking about oral sex and repeating words like penis (slang words) and vagina (also slang). Anyway, while she spoke like this, she repeatedly put her hands on his shoulder and on his arm and then on his leg near his knee. I dont think I even noticed at first but he grabbed me and pulled me closer to him (a polite display of affection to avert the conversation and the touching I thought).I didnt realize until he started reaching in my shirt (which I quickly put a stop to) that he may be confused about the invitation to come over while she was there. She knew that she was flirting and touching too much because she repeatedly mouthed to me should I leave??? I kept giving that look of YES GET OUT, BUT SHE STAYED AND STAYED... finally after I had moved his hand off me more than once, and actually had a conversation with him in the bathroom about how THIS IS NOT OK, I asked her to leave telling her nicely that we were going to go to sleep. She continued the flirting and touching all the while talking about leaving and finishing up what was left of the alcohol.

My boyfriend at that point was putting his shoes on to leave as well and that is when she finally got off the couch to go...saying oh Im sorry, Im leaving.

He really was leaving it was late and he was out the door, but oddly enough, my friend's car was still in my driveway with her sitting in the driver seat... I knocked on her window and told her that he and I were going to spend the night at his house and she finally drove away. In hindsight I actually think she was waiting for him to leave.

WHAT THE HELL, I MEAN I DONT KNOW WHO I SHOULD BE MORE UPSET WITH HIM OR HER. I think he was drunk and honestly confused about the situation because of our past conversations. I can forgive that because well lets face it, that is one of his fantasies and I have told him that I would fulfil that for him one day.

But my friend had no idea of this and she came on to him anyway, I mean if I did that to her boyfriend when I first met him, I'd have gone home black and blue from the beating she would have given me.

Now she's been calling me & I have no desire to speak with her especially now while Im still SO incredibly angry.

He and I are fighting because of an old classmate (who I was never involved with other than friends) who contacted me through a classmate site. Is it a guilty conscience on his part, or is it just a coincidence that he is looking for an excuse to fight with me because I squelched his opportunity???

PLEASE HELP ME ANY ADVICE IS WELCOME !!!!!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 3:33am
You and he are having an affair, but you're upset that someone else tried to get with him and he's upset that someone contacted you? Don't you see how hypocritical that is?

Anyway, I'd be talking to your friend about boundaries and respect, as a minimum.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 8:26am
ROFL it seems karma has come around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 3:34pm
Well, he's not really YOUR man to begin with, right?

Either way, this guy didn't really have a problem with her being that way. And your friend knows this guy is not the most upstanding guy, since he's willing to cheat on his wife... But I don't agree that she be all over him that way, but you didn't really tell her to stop. Giving someone a *look* doesn't really work- you should have told her enough was enough. So your friend is lonely and here was this guy who was ok with her advances and you weren't saying anything...

Now this guy is having issues with YOUR fidelity??? Did he not notice the ring on HIS finger? And why are you with this guy? Do you want him for yourself? Do you think he'll leave his wife for you? If he can continue this way with you, do you think he'd not cheat on you if you were his wife? Do you honestly believe that he's not fooling around with someone else?

I think you need to kick this guy to the curb and find someone who is capable of a true relationship with ONLY you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 1:28am
Thanks for your input and Im sure you're right, I wish I knew how to leave him. I am in love and I know there are feelings there for me, but no he has NEVER promised to leave her or to stay with me and has always been very honest about that. I know this has been an extremely unhealthy relationship but like I said, its been 8 years I dont really know how to leave and Im not sure that I want to live without him. I know its a slap of reality in my face but I guess I have thought of him as my 'boyfriend' for so long that I have come to deal with the fact that he has a wife. Its like stick with the poison that you know I think Im used to HER being an obstacle, but a friend who knows how much I love him... well thats not a friend in my book....As for him not doing anything about it, I guess I get the part about the fantasy and I can deal with that but its true I still have my doubts about how honest he is really being with me about his other activities. I will say this though, there have been times I've 'checked' on what he tells me hes going to do and hes actually doing it... so he has earned at least that much trust from me. (whoopie, I know)... Thanks though, you were a lot nicer that the person who was "rolf" and something about "Karma kickin in" (although there could be some truth to that too).
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 7:18am
Well the only "victim" in this entire scenario is the man's wife.

You have given up 8 years to this man, how many more are you willing to give up. I remember watching Oprah one day when I was home sick and a woman called into Dr. Phil and said she had been in an affair with a married man for 20 years. It started when she was 20, he kept claiming he would leave his wife when his children were grown, she was now 40 and asking Dr. Phil if the man was ever going to be hers. She wasted 20 years on a man that was never going to be hers. She was always second best and between the ages of 20-40 is the time when you are suppose to be out meeting new people, having fun, enjoying your time and meeting hopefully the man you want to settle down with. I can't imagine how 20 years waiting for the man you love to finally come around, how lonely of a life that must be.

Don't waste yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 10:15am
This is one screwed up situation! First off-you two are having an affair--so for you to think that he is even remotely exclusive with you--well thats just not reality and you know that! And you have both talked about the threesome deal--so yes, he probably misunderstood and quite frankly probably didnt care if he ended up with your friend or not. I mean he's cheating on his wife with you--why not another..and another??
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 12:12pm
It's going to be hard, but you CAN break it off. You need to tell him enough is enough and you are moving on. Then you need to cut off ALL communication with him. He's NOT going to want this, as he's had his way with you all these years. Do you really still want this man controlling your life? You deserve better. You cannot just be friends with this man, because he will just try to get you back into bed. You need to go out and be with friends and date some men who are NOT married and see the difference for yourself. A SINGLE man on a date can go wherever he wants and not worry that someone might see him. The relationship is not just about sexual gratification, but being a partner in something. As much as you may THINK that this married guy you're with is more to you, it is only a sexual relationship for this man- if he wanted more from you, you would be his wife. Since he already has one, he's happy to maintain things the way they are. I do not doubt that he also sleeps with his wife- do you really like sharing a man? And how do you honestly know who else he sleeps with? If he can sleep with two and have no guilt, why not a few more?

This man is immature and you are above that. If you are really having a hard time letting go, seek counselling to help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 5:21am
Well, sniffle sally I see your name rings true (miserable)... but you laugh at other people's pain (ROFL), why do you talk about KARMA????? U do see the Irony dont you??? It goes both ways...

When you need advice for a poor or difficult decision that you've made or have to make in life (and dont pretend there arent any), I hope that no one laughs at you when you need their help...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 5:45am
Sally,

Believe it or not I think I saw that one too.. I know its not something that people understand, I do have friends and dont think they dont tell me that I am still young and deserve to be with someone who can offer more. I guess I never expected this to remain an affair for so long, but I also am in love with this man and ending it seems like such a impossibility. He has been a best friend to me for so long (that's how it started, it was about a year of friendship before we got together romantically). There has never been any financial support from him so its not like he has ever 'kept' me. It has always been just a friendship with romantic undertones and at this point, to loose the romantic part means we will probably also loose the friendship because I dont think I will be able to see him that way again without hurting deeply at this point.

BTW... thanks for NOT laughing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 7:00am
Actually I make mistakes, but I learn from them and I'm constantly learning through life. I'm sorry I laughed, i wasn't laughing at "your pain" I was laughing at how ironic it seemed that you were upset with your "bf" and your "friend" flirting when you have been having an affair. That is totally ironic since you have been inbetween this man and his wife for 8 years.

That's where Karma is coming into play.


Edited 7/28/2004 7:04 am ET ET by sniffle_sally

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