My ex giving up on our friendship
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| Tue, 09-21-2004 - 2:41pm |
We broke up a few years ago, but have tried to be friends. However, when we were alone we would still make out. I wanted to wait till I was married to have sex, but a year and have ago I lost my virginity to my ex and we were intimate on a regualar basis for the past year and a half. He was always adamant that he could be friends with me without having sex and we worked really hard to try to be platonic friends.
He didn't want to be more than friends, because occasionally we would argue. I blamed this on my problems with depression and anxiety. I worked daily on myself spending money on programs, going counseling, taking medication, hoping if I got better things would change between us or if I got better and it didn't work out I would know that it wasn't just because of my problems.
About three months ago, for two months it was bliss. We hung out two or three times a week, we didn't argue, he'd bring me to hang out with his friends, to spend time with his mother. I worked so hard to be better. One day because I knew we were still not a couple I was insecure. I didn't express it right and he thought I was blaming him, so we got in an argument. He admitted that for those two months he was starting to look at me differently. I felt so bad for messing up my chance to work things out. I saw it as a slip up on my way to recovery from depression and anxiety. But, despite the good times he couldn't separate it from all of the other arguments we had.
A couple of weeks later, he finally called me, when I thought I wouldn't hear from him again. He wanted to hang out. We had sex; I started back calling him. Then, one day I called and he started talking about the last argument again, when he said it was o.k. and we worked it out. I thought he said that he didn't want to talk to me anymore and he felt that way the day he had sex with me. Then, he changed it and said he still wanted to be my friend. I didn't know what to think. He talked like he didn't want to be there, but when I took it as meaning that he said I was putting words in his mouth; it was my insecurity and I was driving him away.
We talked a couple times on the phone and couldn't sort it out, then I called him asking for a truce. I said that I just wanted my friend back. Then he got busy acting in a movie. When I called he said he was really busy and if it was more than that he would tell me. A month passed by and I knew that something was wrong, but I was more afraid that I was being insecure, he was really busy and if I said something I would make something wrong again. He danced around the question and said that I should be able to make a choice without knowing. But, I finally got the idea that he didn't want to talk to me. He said that I was trouble and a temptation if he wanted to date someone. Though, before he said I was insecure for thinking he would stop talking to me if he met someone. When I asked him if I would hear from him again; he asked me what I wanted. I gracefully got off the phone saying it didn't matter either way. But, the next morning I was in tears.
I would've thought my feelings for him would've been precedent. But, I was losing so much more than an ex-lover, I was losing the only friend I felt close to. There was no one else I could call in the middle of the night because I saw something on t.v. that reminded of the abuse. He was the only person who would be supportive, wouldn't freak out or think something was wrong, or wouldn't blame me for not being over it. I feel so alone not having him to talk to anymore.
For the first time, I did feel confident that I could go on; I just wanted to say goodbye. So, I called this morning. But, that was a disaster. I thought saying that he cared about me and being supportive through my problems that he would want to end positive and in a way that I could be o.k. I felt like I deserved a proper goodbye. But, he wouldn't give me the closure I needed; he even added that I prepared a goodbye to my list of faults. He didn't want to hear my goodbye and said I would be stalking if I left a message saying the goodbye I wanted to say. I couldn't believe he would say that to me. The most supportive, closest friend I had.
I don't know what is worse the thought that was the last conversation that I had with someone so important to me or that months from now he might call me late at night to come over. He has stopped talking to me for months before and called back. Now I feel like a fool believing that he cared about me and would be there for me no matter what. I also feel defeated, because I went through years of pain and abuse for us to at least be friends, in vain.

I feel for your pain. It's hard to open about those moments in your life that bring so much pain, not easy to trust people with that kind of information. Then to have that person no longer want to be a part of your life when you have come to depend on their support is heart wrenching.
Be thankful that you made it through the abuse. Be thankful that you stuck to counselling to get over it. Be thankful that you are no longer in that situation.
If he's unable to be supportive, there are many other places you can turn for support. These boards are full of supportive and understanding people. A lot of people have been abused, and can offer genuine understanding and emotional support. It's a hard thing to admit that these things happen and having others say, "hey, it happened to me too, but we'll get through it together" helps.
For whatever reason, your ex and your friendship is over. Don't be blaming yourself, nothing you did or didn't do affected things. Sometimes it's just the way it is. He was there for you in the past, but for the last year and a half, he's only been seeking you out for sexual gratification- not to be your friend and support system.
I send you hugs and support. I send you the strength to pick up and move on. I send you the will and desire to work through this.
Alison
I was at first encouraged when you said there were a lot of people on this post. But, no one else answred any of my posts, yet I see other posts after mine be answered.
Despite that, I think that in this case quality beats quantity. I am really glad I posted my message and had the opportunity to get your message.
Thank you so much,
Latoya
i'm in the same predicament as you. i've been dating my ex off & on for over 6 years. until 6 months ago, we had been seeing each other (being intimate as well) while he was also 'dating' another woman. within that period, my insecurities became overwhelming because, although we had agreed to see other people, we had been together this long. our relationship fizzled the beginning of this year and for him to inform me that he was interesting in someone...well, you can imagine how i felt. he wanted to keep our friendship going at the same time he was seeing someone, i told him i couldn't. 2 to 3 months of arguing back & forth, saying i didn't want to see him, it finally took it's toll one day after we had slept together (the last time). i thought i could be pregnant and he said that, although he will take responsibility, he couldn't 'be there' for me.(?!)after all the times i've been there for him, he couldn't be there for me?! his relationship with this other person started blossoming, so i assumed he didn't want to hurt the other woman by continuing to still see me. he told me i was his weakness...so i guess despite how strong our friendship was, he didn't want to spoil what he has now with his current partner. a heated argument one day prompt me to these words: "I HATE YOU". to this day, we have not spoken to each other because i no longer have respect for him....our friendship is longer there. but as the days go on, i find that i still have other friends and family who WILL be there for me, no matter what. and i do feel blessed that i still have them in my life.