My fiance' is jealous & controlling!!!
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My fiance' is jealous & controlling!!!
| Wed, 08-23-2006 - 9:52pm |
Edited 8/25/2006 2:18 am ET by teresa2779
Edited 8/25/2006 2:20 am ET by teresa2779
| Wed, 08-23-2006 - 9:52pm |
Edited 8/25/2006 2:18 am ET by teresa2779
Am sorry but .... the way I look at it, sticking with him, will be bringing you a lot of unnecessary intense pain and trauma, and my advise for you is to cut him loose. Look at the big picture. What kind of a father or partner do you want eventually? He does not sound even close to someone mature and trustworthy, someone with whom you can make a life with? Have Peace of Mind with? Believe me, I have been down that road, and my life is much more peaceful now without all that sh**. You will get over him. Love is making you blind here. I am glad you are even considering splitting. But you don't even have to WAIT to see if he gets better or not, for you to take that decision. The way I see it, this is a pattern and he is the way he is. He is not for you. Wake up.
teresa2779...
Pianoguy is puzzled?
Why in the world would you want to marry someone who is posessive, controlling and jealous? And how could you possibly tolerate this sort of behavior for 3 years?
I'm not going to call you an idiot (since you sort of did this already in your final paragraph), but if you're expecting his attitude, behavior and computer habits to improve in the future....FORGET IT!
Not gonna happen.
But nobody (including all your girlfriends) is forcing you to marry the guy. You can WALK AWAY RIGHT NOW if you hate the man whom you THOUGHT would make a terrific 'partner for life!'
Pianoguy
This man is NOT going to change. Exactly why are you in a relationship with a cad? Do you understand the definition of the word "love"?
I can tell that somehow you are getting something from all this drama. Please look inward for answers rather than trying to make this man into what you want him to be.
Uh - yo're the property!! You know what I'm going to say - get out and stay out and then get to the root of why you've stayed with such a dangerous man for so long. You deserve better.
<< Any suggestions that you can give me to try to get him to go back and stay in therapy would be greatly appreciated. If things don't change soon, the two of us will be parting ways.>>
Attempts to convince people to do something the really do not WANT to usually doesn't work. Even if you get *suggestions* on how to get him back into therapy, it isn't going to do any good if HE doesn't want to be there. People do what they want to do because they want to do it. If people do what others want them to do, but they aren't really motivated or committed to it, well ... it usually doesn't last. He has to want to. Unless he WANTS to make the necessary changes, I'm sorry to say ... but, I don't think your relationship has a change. He's got serious issues.
Lastly, you might want to consider counseling, as well. Because, obviously, this relationship is not healthy ... yet for whatever reason, you're allowing yourself to remain in it.
In addition to the posts you've already received, you might want to read the following and give it a LOT of consideration. After reading this, ask yourself "is this *really* love?"
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Love vs. Toxic Love
True Love is not painful. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not
all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Unfortunately, the type of love most of us learned about as children is in fact an addiction, a form of toxic love. "I can't smile without you," "I can't live without you," "Someday my prince/princess will come" are not healthy messages.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles.
Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. Toxic Love
Love: Development of self as first priority.
Toxic love: Obsession with relationship.
Love: Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love: Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love - may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness.
Love: Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love: Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
Love: Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love: Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of changing or overwhelming need for change.
Love: Appropriate trust (trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love: Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."
Love: Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love: Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
Love: Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love: Trying to change other to own image.
Love: Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love: Relationship is based on avoidance of the unpleasant.
Love: Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love: Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
Love: Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love: Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)
Love: Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love: Pressure around sex due to fear & insecurity.
Love: Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love: Unable to endure separation; clinging.
Love: Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love: Cycle of pain and despair.
Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is very wrong.