My girlfriend is scared of love

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Registered: 08-06-2004
My girlfriend is scared of love
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Fri, 08-06-2004 - 9:15pm
I really like this woman and have known her for a few months. Sometimes she is really rude to me and put offish and she even tells some of her friends that she doesn't like me. But I know that we have fantastic chemistry together and I just can't stop thinking about her. And she once admitted to me that she feels it too. She told me that she just liked to talk to her friends that way but that she's always liked me.

But the problem is that she's scared of love and thinks that she'll do something to hurt me and screw everything up.

The last time we met, a few days ago, we were lying in each other's arms and hugging and kissing and talking and it was just wonderful. She had to go to work but said she'd be back, that was four days ago. She called to say that she's scared of being with me and that when she was with me the last time, she started to have feelings of love for me. "My God," she said, "I couldn't believe I was feeling that.."

I've tried talking to her on and on about taking chances, reassuring her, everything. I REALLY like this woman and can't get her off my mind. I've always liked her.

What do I do?

Tom

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 11:05pm
Hi, Tom. How old is this girl? She sounds quite young -- faking it about a bf to your girlfriends is too, too high school. And I don't like to hear that she's been rude to you.

But, let's get constructive here. You say it's been two months, which isn't long when you think about it. Perhaps what's she's feeling is that things are moving too fast? You have talked to her, now show her. Show her how to be friends with a man. Love does tend to follow (or not, as we all know) friendship between the sexes if it's meant to be. But time will only tell, not you or me. Also, don't neglect your own buds. Ladies respect a man who has his own life.

I'm really hoping this works out for you, Tom. You sound like you really like her.

amjay45


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Registered: 08-06-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 11:52pm
She's twenty four years old and I made a mistake, we've known each other for about six months and not two. But things have gone fast between us as we have great chemistry.

She admits that she sometimes only thinks about herself and apologized for that. She says that she keeps changing her mind about me: one minute she wants to move in with me and the next, she just wants to get rid of me. We talk about a lot of things. I admit that I feel that way too about her. Sometimes, I just want to walk away from the drama and other times, I just can't stop thinking about her.

I think you're right in that we should slow down and I should show her that I will be a good friend to her and not hurt her or lie, etc. In a way, it's good because she's in Indiana and I'm in Los Angeles and this will last a few months as I'm in the film industry.

So, what I'm going to do is get her a cell phone and me a cell phone and link them together so we can talk. And I'll send her emails every other day or so. I'll keep things light and friendly so we can just talk about our day and things like that. That will move things slowly and we can get to know each other as friends. We will also exchange visits as she wants to see Disneyland out here and visit a movie studio set and things like that. So maybe, the first few times, I will take my daughter along so that will keep things light and not as intense, if you know what I mean.

Perhaps moving too fast has scared an already scared woman. I just need to slow down and just be myself and she will get assured that I'm for real in time.

And yes, I REALLY like her. I usually don't like women at all (nothing personal) but this one really knocked me upside the head!

Thanks for the advice, you're a doll.

Tom

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Registered: 07-03-2004
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 1:04am
Tom, can you stand a little more from me? I'm wholeheartedly involved in your success!

I would keep my daughter out of it at this point, if I were you. I don't know how many times I've read on these boards, "...and he even introduced me to his children, so he must be serious right?" Believe me, we women think that way and no other.

Also, do not do the cell phone thing. It sounds needy to me, like you are telling her you want to be in constant touch with her.

Next, when you say you will email every day or so, I know you really mean every day. I would mean the same in your place. You have got it bad, and that's good, but I've been researching the online dating thing, and I came across a very good rule: never email the 2nd time if you have not received a reply to the 1st! Believe me, keeping to this rule has helped me. Rules are made to be broken, so I can also advise you on how to properly break this one: Wait a MINIMUM of 3 days before sending a 2nd email. And apologize for taking so long as you've been incredibly busy, blah blah blah, doing amazing film industry stuff.

Tom, you need your woman to respect you. You have given some solid, sometimes hard line, advice on this board so I know that you have mucho brains. Try to think with the upper regions on this one as much as possible, okay?

Go Get Her Tiger!!

amjay45

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 2:04pm
I wonder how long ago her last relationship was, how long ago it ended and if she's had enough time to recover? These are all important factors in picking someone to date, right? We're all pretty good at protecting ourselves from being the rebound (or soon are). I've behaved like her when I knew I was with a nice guy that I liked and could otherwise really fall for, but the timing is off because I didn't have the wherewithall to be in a big relationship. And you have a child. People sometimes figure that you're anxious to have a serious relationship, that you're shopping for a parent for your child or marraige even when you're just out for some fun.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 4:11pm
Hi Tom,

I know how the girl feels. I'm the same way. I'm always afraid of screwing something up since I've been hurt in the past by guys I've had strong feelings for and cared about a lot and just other situations. The first guy it wasn't anybody's fault, but the second guy it was his and I guess I thought maybe I did something wrong. Try talking to her about it. See if there's something from a past relationship to make her this way. Scared that is. After you find out the problem talk about it with her and tell her not to worry about things and to take things slow and just enjoy each other. Don't put any pressures on the relationship and take things day by day and hopefully she'll get better. Show her that you care about her too and that you're there and don't plan on going anywhere but don't make promises you can't keep. Just work together on it. :) Good luck! XOXO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 6:11pm
Thanks for all the advice.

The cell phone idea is not needy as she is at a place that does not have a phone and had trouble with the bill from Sprint and can't get another one and doesn't have much money. She has a phone in the house but it used by her family and we couldn't talk much.

We are beyond the 'looking needy' stage and not being too available stage and all that. We both know and admit that we have strong feelings for each other but she's just scared. I think we just need some time and the fact that we are now apart (we used to be very close and saw each other every day practically for a few months), it will give us a chance to get to know each other more. And my daughter already is involved as they used to see each other on the weekends.

I'm going to put a time limit on it just to help cut out the games and to make sure it doesn't drag on and on and on. The production I'm on will take six months and at time, she might move out here to L.A. with me. The production I'm on is near L.A., in the desert and we get some weekends off. So when it's done, I will have to get a place in L.A. and that would be a good time for her to make up her mind.

I still think the cell phone idea is good, given the circumstances. And weekend visits are good and I will take my daughter along the first few times and we will all stay at a hotel near Disneyland. I want to keep it light and friendly at first, no one on one romance,etc.., take baby steps but gradually lead them up to a six month decision from her.

I just sent her a nice email (I can't call her) explaining that I do understand her and how she's scared of love and all that. I reassured her that I do care for her and feel that we should build our friendship slowly and gave her the six month, cell phone, and visiting scenario. We'll see what the response will be.

You know, I wouldn't be so persistent but I just feel wonderful when I'm with her and we're romantic and open with each other. You should have seen her on the bed with me, laughing and giggling. We were talking about how our lives would be like as boyfriend and girlfriend living together. We even had a 'sex schedule' planned. It was so cute! (and I'm a guy and I'm saying that)...But next thing you know, she disappears and I get the calls where she said that she started to have feelings of love for me and she's scared.

Most guys would have walked away but I really like her. I think, given the circumstances, the cell phone and visiting ideas are good and I will gradually turn up the heat.

So, if she responds at all in the positive in the next couple days; be prepared for six months of reports from me and we can come up with ways for me to turn up the heat.

But who knows? She's so fickle that I may just get turned down flat or ignored.

Tom

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Registered: 08-06-2004
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 6:10pm
Here's an update and an email that she sent to me. It really gives a strong insight into her thinking. I gave her an email of scenarios of what we should do in our relationship:

Dear Tom,

I see you have put a lot of thoughts into our possible future. Thank you for all the detailed scenarious. It is not easy for me to pick a number and stick to it. To tell you the truth, I don't know what to do.Should I close my eyes and draw the number? I am scared of all the "what if"s. You are going to your movie production. Is it because your girlfriend is there? (she is just jealous of a girl that I know who is an actress in the movie, she's just a friend)

If you go to LA everything can go great, and you can rent (buy) a nice house, but what if it costs a lot? What if the business does not go well, and you end up loosing all the money you have worked so hard to save? I heard that it is not easy to make it in LA plus the cost of living is high. Would you really want to leave your daughter in a different city? (my daughter lives in north San Diego, only a an hour and a half drive away)

I understand I am torturing you with my uncertainties, please understand it is not easy for me as well. I propose yet another scenario (sorry)- you go to your movie set, change the surroundings, do something different, and it can give you the time to make the desicion whether you really want to go to risk of moing to LA.

Please know, that I want things to be worked out between us. But I realize that even if I want to live in LA in a nice house with a yard with a husband who has his own business (who wouldn't?), I am still scared that the scenario will not work out this way. What if the worst things possible happen?

With respect and apologies,

your friend Lena.


See how this goes on and on and on? All this girl thinks about is 'what ifs' and bad stuff. What can I do?

Tom

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Registered: 07-03-2004
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 7:51pm
Well, what you've got here, Tom my man, is a scared rabbit! And a stubborn one at that. I don't know what or how many scenarios you pointed out to her, but she has put the kibbosh on all of them. IMHO, her message is: go to LA like you planned and if everything works out 100% maybe I'll consider getting together with you, as long as there is absolutely no possibility of anything whatsoever going wrong. Before you told me her age, I thought she was a teenager. Since you told me her age, I still think she is a teenager.

I would have thought you would prefer a woman with more backbone (like someone "from this planet?" lol).

I wish you would spend all that wonderful energy of yours on a worthwhile woman. By that I mean, someone who will make up her flipping mind one way or the other and be done with it! Also someone who would appreciate the efforts you take to get together!!!!

I think you must know it's decision time for you.

amjay45

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 10:54am
I agree with the other poster, she's a mass of insecurities! I think going with her scenario and keeping in touch is probably the only one that will work, but unless she's also working on her issues, she'll just bring up new hurdles and what ifs the next go round...

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 12:42pm
Tom,

I don't want to sound insensitive, so please understand this is NOT meant to be that way. I get the feeling that this girl feels that she would be *settling* if she had a relationship with you, and that's why all the back and forth. She knows that you are an awesome man who would treat her well, but you're not the whole package she is looking for, so she's pushing you away, then pulling you back and so on. She's trying to give you excuses as to why it would not work out, the other woman, the money thing, etc. If she really loved you, those things wouldn't be an issue. Unless she's a gold digger, who cares if you don't make millions- it's the effort of a job well done and the hard work for your dream that should be looked at. This girl is waiting for something that you don't have in her books, who knows what that is.

My advice would be to focus your energy on someone who does view you as the whole package and appreciates who you are. Maybe cool it off a bit and stop chasing her and being available so much- let her miss you and hopefully realize what you mean to her. I'm not an advocate of playing games, so that's not what I'm trying to say. Just that maybe you need to back off and let her come to you, the old "if you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, it's yours forever..."

Good luck.

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