My head is spinning

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2004
My head is spinning
2
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 3:51pm

I am a middle-aged woman with two children who has gone through a divorce. I am now in a relationship (engaged) with a man whom I love. I am confused now as to whether I see problems in him, or problems in myself. Most likely both. I will start counseling as soon as I can to work on my own problems, but I am trying to define them first.

Our relationship has not gone as I would hope it would. On our first date, I drove 80 miles to meet in NY then bring him down to Philadelphia. During our trip to Philly, he told me he'd forgotten his wallet. We saw each other several more times and each time I had to drive to NY to get him because he was afraid to travel on the bus or train (being an arab in post-9/11 America). His job ended when the bosses decided to divorce and close their business. He came to live with me, after trying unsuccessfully to find a job in NY. He let his Green card and driver's licenses lapse, so he couldn't get legal work in NJ, with me. I supported him for months. His divorce was to have been final months ago, then I found out it wont be final until late February at the earliest. He hasn't tried to learn about the process, he just leaves it up to his soon-to-be-ex wife, whom he hasn't told yet that he is engaged to be married.

He got the promise of a job with his country's embassy in Montreal and Washington, D.C. (He was supposed to commute between teh cities once a month). I drove him to Detroit and paid for his bus ticket to Montreal. The embassy job hasn't happened yet. He says the Canadian government is making him complete a huge amount of paperwork. Yet he got a job with a local bookstore as a salesman. Two days later he was promoted to manager. He told me last night he wants to keep the job with the bookstore.

I just left a marriage with an underemployed man, and I am really afraid that this one may have employment problems. He also has problems handling his own affairs (Green card, driver's license, divorce). He came from a wealthy family (wont ask them for help as a matter of honor, but he did ask me), so I've noticed he has the tendency to spend money when he shouldn't.

As I write this, I know he sounds very questionable. I know I should wait until my concerns are satisfied before I consider marrying him. I get angry and get ready to break off the relationship. Then I hear his voice! He sounds so genuine to me.

Why can't I make up my mind? Why do I find myself riding a pendulum between wanting to be his wife and wanting to be broken up from him? Please give me your comments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 5:01pm

You find yourself having frequent thought of ending this because deep down you know you're being used and taken advantage of. It's hard to admit but you know it's true.

There are problems with him and problems with yourself. Your problems with yourself are that you keep seeking men who can't manage their lives without being rescued. Counseling would be good to try to help you figure out why you're seeking this sort of man.

The first clue that should have been a problem was that not only could your boyfriend not manage his own transportation, but he "conveniently" left his wallet. Is the truth really that he was afraid to take public transportation, or was it perhaps that he was too broke to afford it?

The whole thing sounds suspicious. Are you certain that he lost his job through no fault of his own, did you actually verify it? A good man would not look for a woman he just met to support him and assume full responsibility for his life. He would do whatever it took to manage his own affairs. And how is it that he let his documents lapse? This is inexcusable. He lied to you about his divorce, and he never bothered taking any responsibility for ensuring it would happen. He left you hanging waiting. Again this is yet another mark against him.

You paid for him to move to another city for a job that he had lined up. Instead, he's now working on a bookstore and intends on keeping that job. Do you actually have proof that the embassy job was even real, or did he simply want you to finance his move?

How is it that he believes it less honorable to ask his own family for help than it is to ask you constantly for money? This is troublesome as well. When you say he spends money when he shouldn't, are you talking about your money he was spending since he had none of his own?

Now he lives in another country. How is it that this supposed marriage is going to happen? Are you supposed to pick up and immigrate now since he doesn't even have a green card? It doesn't sound like he's very serious about the marriage either, and he's still married to his current wife on top of that. I don't think you need to worry about waiting until your concerns are satisfied, nothing about his actions sound like he's really all that intent on marriage anyway.

He doesn't just sound questionable, he sounds like an out and out con artist. Of course his voice sounds genuine, you're not the first woman he's done this to. Keep in mind what he must have told his current wife before they married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 5:28pm

You can't make up your mind because to compare logic to emotion is like comparing apples to oranges.

What I heard you say is that he doesn't really work, he has every excuse in the world for all his problems andd failures, he's got a builtin excuse in his mind to "never succeed" (Arab in this country, going to have it tough at present and for many years quite likely - particularly as he doesn't seem to have established himself in any profession or in this society as a solid person - ethinicity not withstanding). He has alot of claims about being wealthy - but he can't touch the wealth - and so he has no problem utilizing the resources of others. Not just funds, networks, social contacts, professional contats, etc. etc. etc.

That you've invested alot of time, effort, money, and sacrifice in this. YOu've exposed your kids to this. In your true opinion - you've done a very foolish and immture thing based on how "his attention made you feel about yourself"....yet, you continue to invest and involve because you want this investment to pay out. YOu're trying desperately to turn him into someone he's not - mature, secure, successful, complete - so that he'll be waht you want and need, waht you thought he was when in "dire straits" you took him in and started investing in him...before you knew his character and his standards.

But...when you hear his voice you melt into all the delusions and illusions that you "wish could be your reality"- you've seen plenty of Hallmark commercials, and wine cooler ads, and Zales diamond brochures...and it all involves "couples"....and you think as long asyou're in couplehood - eventually you'll have your Zales/Hallmark/Kodak/Chardonnay moment....you will, if you pay for it, orchestrate it, and force him to do it. Otherwise, you won't.

Stop comparing "how you feel" against "what you want".

Start assessing logically "the facts and the realities within those facts"....and then realizing that feelings aren't facts, goals, calls to action, tools of cognition, or used to assess your next move...do the following.

project down the road...given the current scenario and prevailing pervasive dynamic....he's going to be underemployed, in debt, you're going to be more broken, adn probably just as "shakily committed" - how're you going to "feel" then...if you must use feelings as a catalyst to action. And if you go 'well, that might NOT be the reality"....take a good look...and realize that you're projecting based on facts into the future -that true - you can't predict or control - but that the past is certainly not that you predicted or controlled or even thought to review....you went strickly on your feelings.

Then.....if you're stil unsure - go further. Accept that if you choose to remain n this - having no control over his values, priorities and stsandards which justify his actions which is why he does what he does and wants what he does, etc.....that if you end up in a similar situation to your projection, incurring the feelings that you're not wanting to hve...that you're going to have to "suck it up and deal with it." No complaining, no moaning, no crying, or depression...because at that point you'll be less financially secure, less professional well situation, in more familial chaos and you'll have to be goal focused, factually assessing and responsibly acting no matter how you feel if you're to get out of the mess in 5-10 years - that it took 1-2 to create.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com