My life is going in a downhill spiral
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My life is going in a downhill spiral
| Wed, 04-11-2007 - 3:28am |
when I was 7 I was molested by my friends uncle at age 14 my brothers friend escorted me down the street so i wouldnt be alone walking in the dark then he threw me in the bushes and raped me he told me he was going to kill me if i made a sound at 16 an in-law raped me I hate men but I am sexually attracted to men I date them I have been in relationships that have lasted 7 years but I never loved any of them. at the age of 26 I realized how much I feared men I worked on that to where now I dont avoid grocery lines that have male cashiers I have become friends with men then I married a men he was a con artist the marriage didnt last a year.. I later got engaged to a man who after a few years became mentally and physically abusive I left him I swore off men decided to see men only for sex I dont know why but I have a very strong sex drive.. I started seeing a married man how perfect no strings but know I find that I actually am in love with this man I know this is wrong and I fight that in my head everyday but he makes all the bad go away if I am freaking out he can tell whats wrong and talks me through it.. during a holiday last year my daughter who is now an adult had a boyfriend I met him he and I were alone waiting on my daughter to arrive and he started hugging me and groping me I totally freaked out I kept pushing him off me later I told my daughter as tactfully as I could and she dissmissed me as a liar I was woken up by a phone call the next morning by two friends who are also friends with the guy I am seeing I chewed their heads off I am not normally that grumpy they told him the three of them called decided I was still grumpy and hung up he called me back immediatly after hanging up on the confrence call and spent hours on the phone with me working out what had happened over the holiday when he called me he already knew why I was grumpy He told me what my problem was and I started crying he helped me work through it 3 days later my daughter called to appoligize to me for not trusting me she found out what I said was true one of our friends knows we are in love he told me that since i meet his friend his friend has became more tollerable they use to call him grumpy and moody now he is different and that it was noticable from the day i meet him I feel the same way different happy not so afraid I know its so wrong I dont want him to leave his wife I am happy the way things are which I have decided makes me a very disturbed person.. but I also realize that one day I may get my heart broken more than likely that will happen but I also know that I can look back at all the good we had.. Maybe I am just rambling I just feel lost as to what I should do I know the right thing I know very well but I really dont want to leave him.. I need help I know I dont believe I will ever trust a man like I trust this one even though I know as does he that we are in the wrong maybe this is a mental illness I have from the things that have happened to me I dont know I dont understand maybe its a sign that I may find another that I can feel this way about but then I meet men and I still feel afraid..

I am so sorry for the experiences that you've had. And I applaud you for working on the issues. I'm curious--have you worked on them through therapy or just with yourself? If with yourself, I would suggest doing some sort of therapy. You've gone through a lot and I would suspect would benefit from an outside opinion on this one.
To me, I think you have fallen for this guy or placed your trust in him because he's safe in a way. He's married and with that, there's a certain degree of separation you'll always have. He can only get but oh so close to you, you know? I think it also comes down to you truly thinking about what you want out of life. Are you satisfied with just sex and men who are taken? Or do you want a man for yourself, truly for you?
You are not disturbed, you have been impacted upon by your past. The great thing is though that you're willing to look at it. But I would definitely suggest looking at it in a safe environment with a professional.
Hope this helps...
Okay, then lets apply some brakes and stop the spiral for a moment.
It was a little difficult to follow your post. You might want to discuss this with a licensed counselor who can walk you through the maze of your life. One can develop a lack of trust at any age, regardless of background. I have not walked in your shoes, but I have had my fair share of betrayal by men and women. And because of that, I don't discriminate my lack of trust as to men versus women, a little different from you. With your history, I can understand your lack of trust.
Now, people will tell you that your experiences are due to the early rape and because of that you don't make good decisions and you use sex to get love and attention, and it is a self-defeating cycle of events. That could be utter hogwash. Sometimes people are targetted in life by malicious people, for no real reason. So, don't just take a counselor's point of view on that matter as gospel. Too many people are told who they are and why they are the way they are. People like to gang up sometimes on others just to mess with their heads. I have experienced this myself and your story sounds vaguely familiar to me, get it? You have had too many weird circumstances with these people, including the guy you are seeing (the conference call thing). You might want to cut these people out of your life if they are toxic to you and make new friends, with a fresh start.
First of all, no more conference calls discussing your grumpiness and problems. Secondly, no discussing problems with people who are friends of your lover.
You made a decision to carry on a long term affair with a married man for whatever reasons you had. I have not been in those shoes either, so I do not know your pain, per se. Since you do not trust men, your affair makes sense because you will now see the man as honest towards you. I know that doesn't sound right, at first, but it makes total sense. He is giving only a percentage of who he is to you, and he is honest as to why. You do not have to go through the anxiety producing thoughts that other women do as to why he isn't commiting?, am I good enough?, is there someone else?, maybe he is "just scared" (my favorite), and so on. You already know why he cannot commit to you. So the answers are clear, which is what you need right now.
When you feel you have had enough and want more, is when you will leave this situation. The trouble these days is that some men are good at pretending to want something real with you and will go to alot of trouble to convince you of that when they just want sex. But sometimes it is a real gesture of wanting something more with you. The only way to know is to step into it. Some guys give off red flag vibes a mile away. I just wish men would be honest about it. You know, "hey I dig you, you seem to dig me, I'm not into any strings right now, but I'd love to have sex with you." That would prevent alot of broken hearts and trips to a shrink. I have met very few men who are confident enough to say it like that. I can count those guys maybe on one hand. Men always seem to need to trick us into bed, when maybe that is what we want too.
You may need a break from life, period. If you feel comfortable take a week off from work and spend it alone. Plan out your days with nice "feel good" activities, like maybe a matinee on one day, a spa day, maybe take a day trip by car somewhere peaceful, or just stay at home and read or do whatever hobby you like. Try to nourish yourself, by yourself. Don't see this guy or take calls from him. Difficult, I know. But there is a reason to this. After a week of this, your feelings about yourself might change a bit and you might see your life differently. I know you like sex, we all do, hehehe. But you might want to learn to love yourself for a while, if you know what I mean. In time, mabye you can make some friends again and really focus on feeding your soul. When you learn to like yourself for who you are, faults and all, past history and all, then you might want to not settle for a second-best relationship, which is what you have right now. You will still meet men who will attempt to treat you like crap. That never goes away and that happens regardless of one's past history.
A point here: because of your past experiences, you may not be receptive to a new guy who is good for you, down the road. He may even display some of the characteristics or present himself with the same circumstances as "the bad guys" and your instinct, right now - today, would be to push him away. You can't let that happen. But you need to uncover and discover yourself first before you are ready for him.
Just do yourself a favor and do not discuss your childhood rape with new friends or men ever again. I know that goes against society's latest craze of everyone purging their souls (which I find nauseating), but I only have seen the negative from it. I know that victims like other victims telling their stories and they heal from others' stories, but in your case, it was used against you. How do you not know that your daughter, innocently of course, may have mentioned to her boyfriend that you were raped as a child and he turned it into another attack for you to have to deal with? He is a sicko and she needs to dump him.
People need to learn to start discriminating as to who they confide in, in life. There is nothing wrong with having an air of mystery about us. I have experienced many things in life that I have never said a word to anyone about. Most of it very good. But I hold that special- for ME inside. I didn't intend for it to work out for me in life, it was all instinct, but I see how it has helped me in life.
If this helps, then great.