my most recent relationship (a bit long)

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Registered: 04-10-2003
my most recent relationship (a bit long)
5
Sat, 08-27-2005 - 7:27pm

I feel like I'm hijacking the board (*sorry*) but want to post about my current situation.

It's been a week that the guy I've been dating and I have "taken a break".

We met in May from an online dating service and talked via email and phone before meeting for about 1 month. We met for the first time during the beginning of June. Since then, we have seen each other every week (with the exception of a couple of weeks I was out of town in July for a funeral and visit back home).

I was a little bit taken aback by the fact that the relationship didn't become physical (no kissing, no holding hands even!) until around the middle of this month. But at the same time, I thought it was really nice. However, once we started kissing and this sort of thing, it was really nice, too. His kiss wasn't that passionate, but it was like he was really wanting to be physical with me. I wasn't sure if I was ready to "take the plunge" but I really, really was attracted to him. And for the right reasons, I thought. He was kind, attentive, sensitive, supportive, and yes, nice-looking! The only thing that was kind of strange for me was the fact that he didn't have his own place, but lived with this older woman in her condo -- a roommate situation, that she had a boyfried.

One night while he was here at my place, we cooked dinner, hung out, and we were making out like teenagers toward the end of the night. I felt ready and he waivered, he said that the next night he'd come over and we'd have our first night together. He said he was distracted and that the next night we'd have the whole night, no making dinner and all the distractions. He said he was like "any other guy" and showed me he had brought protection with him (condoms) but wanted to wait til the next night.

He came over, we hung out for a while but when we went to the bedroom, it was like he was a robot. It was like it wasn't coming from his heart or something. On one level he's so kind and caring, attentive and sensitive, but at the physical level he was going through motions. A lot of foreplay but then he said he had a problem with erection.

I try not to take this personally, but part of me feels strange about it. My trust issues coming up or a real reason to feel this way? I can't distinguish between the two.

He's 39 and hasn't lived with another woman and hasn't had a relaitonship over 3 months in length. And that his relationships have always been with unstable and irratic women. He said he felt good with me in that he could fall for a person that has her "life together". Which is true to a point even though maybe some of my posts don't give that impression.

I felt a little bit betrayed because I felt on some level that all of the "waiting for the special moment" we were doing was really for a different reason. Perhaps his fear/avoidance/dislike of sex (or sex with me). He did say he needed to talk to a dr. about it.

We talked on the phone a couple of days later and he said how he was unsure about what I liked and wanted and asked I be a bit more vocal about what I need. Sorry if this is too much detail, but basically he was wanting to try again and I really wanted to at this point. Maybe to prove something to myself, to see where this was really going. Was this me or him? Anyhow the next weekend he was over here, we tried again (with me being more directive about what I like) but with the same results.

The next morning was sad. I was feeling really bad overall. We talked a couple of days later (last Monday) and he said he would be going to the dr on the 8th, the day before his 10-day vacation. And also that he would call me Monday (day after tomorrow). He reassured me his physical reaction, or lack thereof, had nothing to do with the way he felt about me. He said it was like being sick and needing sleep desperately but not being able to sleep.

So...I've been working hard to not take any of this the wrong way, ...but is there a right way to take it? I would like to practice trust, to instill my trust at this point and not take things the wrong way and that he'll call on Monday. And at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up. I'm trying to just focus on me, go about the business I need to take care of for myself. I just feel a little confused and unsure if whether I'm being duped somehow. Not that he would purposely....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Sat, 08-27-2005 - 7:57pm
Sounds like he has some performance problems (therefore perfromance anxiety). It has nothing to do with you. This is probably the reason he hasn't had any long relationships. The anxiety he is feeling keeps you at arm's length. Of course he'll blame the cooking activity, forgetting to bring condoms etc... Anything to keep the issue from being discussed. He wants to sweep the issue under the rug. My guess is, it's his lack of communicating and dealing with this big issue that keeps him out of long term relationships, rather than the performance problem itself.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-27-2005 - 10:40pm

It sounds like this guy has some serious issues. Do you *really* want to get involved with someone like that?

Sheri

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Registered: 04-10-2003
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 6:36am

He really does have some issues... issues that are totally new to me. But, alas, I have accepted the fact that getting to my age in mid 30s, we all have some baggage, there is usually some real reasons we're not in a relationship. And sometimes it ain't very pretty.

I have to first try to see clearly what the person's issues *are*, because they're always there, and then decide if I can live with them or not. Some I have learned the hard way that I can't live with (alcohol/drug addictions, womanizer, irresponsible) and some I have decided I can live with (extremely shy, difficulties socializing, inexperienced). And then of course there are all of the good points a person has. It's like tossing it all into a balance to see how the good might outweigh the problemmatic issues.

In the case of this guy, I've be put up against a totally new issue for me (impotence/erectile dysfunction - as I get older, this might become a more common issue in dating, I don't know). Anyhow, one thing I do know is that "no sex" is one problem/issue that I can't live with in a relationship. BUT, I will give it a bit more time, if it turns out that this is something relatively simple to deal with (a pill, some counseling) and he's following through with the doctor like he told me he was doing, then this whole thing might turn into a huge asset: he has an issue, the ability and desire to face it and motivation to take the necessary actions to work on it. That's a WONDERFUL and rare trait. ...but I don't know yet which is which.

So, I don't know. I see your point, sometimes it seems like people's issues are insurmountable. But I think of myself sometimes, how do men see me? Do my issues seem too "serious" to deal with? To some men, yes, probably. To others, I might seem like a total catch.

...I guess time will tell.




Edited 8/28/2005 7:55 am ET ET by leonalion
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Registered: 04-14-2003
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 9:13am

You say:

"He's 39 and hasn't lived with another woman and hasn't had a relaitonship over 3 months in length. And that his relationships have always been with unstable and irratic women."

Hon, THIS IS NOT THE GUY TO TRUST. He has a bad history with women, he isn't emotionally stable enough to make a relationship last longer than 3 months and he likes unstable women.

Time to let him go so he can get the therapy he desperately needs. You need to find out why you aren't seeing the red flags for what they are. Back to the drawing board for you.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 10:22am

I actually wasn't even speaking of that issue, I was talking about his apparent inability to have an LTR.

Is being attracted to emotionally unavailable men a pattern for you by any chance?

Sheri