My mother hate my BF without meeting him

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
My mother hate my BF without meeting him
2
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 6:03pm
I have this huge problem which I am starting to think is going to turn into this even HUGER more CATASTROPHIC problem. I've been dating this guy for nine months now. He's 28 years old and I am 21. Yes there is a huge age difference between us, but from everything I've learned about the relationship, its not at all about the age, but its about the connection. I love him so much, he's everything to me, and he loves me too. But during this time that we were dating, we never said I love you (yet) and he never met my family.

Two weeks ago, however, he and i split for a little bit because he freaked out because he was falling in love with me and didn't know how to say it. It freaked him out, so he broke up with me, and left me completely heartbroken. So immediately, who do you go to when you're hurting--your family and friends. I went to my mother and I told her about this guy and how he had broken my heart. Well, first off, she doesn't like him...she hates him, and seriously will do anything in her power to drive me away from him. So for most of my relationship with this man, I've been not telling her about it and keeping it hidden. It wasn't that serious, and i wasn't sure if it was getting serious. So when he broke up with me, it was so easy for me to go to her and have her to help bash him with me. I told her all the things about him that bugged me and she helped me a lot. But then....he called.

During the short time that he and I were apart, I was a wreck..i don't live near my mother or my parents and so keeping this secret now is kinda easy, but AWFUL and i hate it. But even though she helped "bash him" it wasn't working at all...i loved him, terribly, and when he called me and wanted me back, then I went back. Now i don't know what to do. Its getting very serious now with this guy, and I'm so happy that its getting serious because I want more than anything to have a long and lasting future with him. But at the same time, i know i'm living a lie because I'm not telling my own mother and i'm lying to her and that's wrong.

I know you're thinking that I should just tell her and tell her how much he means to me and how my happiness is wrapped up in him. but you don't know my mother. She is so stubborn and so mean sometimes. When, for a short while, he and i were dating initially, she hated him because he was too old for me. and that was the most awful time of our relationship because I knew she hated him and she acted like she hated me while I was with him. I don't want that again. I know she would LOVE him once she got to know him because he's such a great guy. He would Wow her and i know it. But I have to figure out something soon because he's starting to talk about marriage. And I want him to meet my family so badly. Why is this so messed up and is there any possible way to get her to listen and not freak out????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 11:47am
Hello mn, welcome to the board!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 5:06pm

Well, you set yourself up for that one! Not only is he that much older, but your mother didn't like him to begin with and you've been hiding the relationship from her. Then there's a split and you run to her about how horrible he was. But now you've reconciled and you want her to just *forget* all that bad stuff and say, "welcome into our home".

Not likely to happen.

Your mother is looking out for the one she loves, YOU. Believe it or not, under her manipulative ways, she loves you and doesn't want you to be hurt. How is she supposed to feel when you go to her all upset and then go back to the one who made you upset? She's going to be wondering why you would set yourself up for that pain again.

That said, you ARE an adult and you make your own life. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to be a part of it.

But I would caution you from running to her with the negative side of any of your relationships, to her or your friends. If things are really SO bad, you should be ENDING them, not complaining to all who will listen. Not only will they NOT like that person, they will begin looking down on YOU for putting up with the behaviour you complain about. If you paint such a poor picture of someone, you can't expect others to just forget that when you decide you have. You want to be rejoicing in all the wonderful things that the person brings to the table, so if you find yourself going on and on about negative things, it's time to rethink the relationship.

I wish you the best.

Alison

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