My parents don't know

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
My parents don't know
4
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 9:36am
I've been in a relationship for over two years with a great guy, we've discussed marraige, but I've never been able to tell my parents about him yet. My parents are in the military, so they live far away and I only see them once a year for the holidays. This really bothers my boyfriend, and it's always been a strain on our relationship. There's a 9 year difference between us (I'm younger), and I'm white, he's British/Trinidadian, so he has somewhat dark skin. My parents have always been very demanding, strict, and overprotective. The main problem I have about telling my parents is that my dad would never approve of me dating someone that has darker skin, and is so much older, and also doesn't have a college degree. I don't know what to do! I've always been "daddy's little girl", and I don't want to lose the relationship I have with my parents, but I don't want to lose my boyfriend either. Can anyone help me? give suggestions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 10:09am
if you truly honestly love this man with all your heart, then there is no problem! you should have told your parents long ago, but since you haven't tell them now!!!! you need to make sure that they understand how much in love you are! they will understand, and since they raised you they should know that you have good judgement, and they raised you well! you may have to remind them of that. if your truly happy, why give up your happiness and your true love for your parents?? this is your life! one day they won't be here anymore, do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that they like or someone you love? skin color... so if you met a guy that spent all his time on the beach and was super dark they'd have a problem with that?? that's just plain crazy!! my parents have said in the past "at least they're not bringing home someone of the same sex!" but honestly with the way the world is going do you know how hard it would be to find a guy that is purely your race? everyone has a mix of something, anything from native american, to scottish, german, african, the list goes on and on!!!the age difference shouldn't be such a big thing! i know my parents were kind of odd about the age thing when i started to talk to a guy that is 9 years older than me, but they quickly got over that. age shouldn't matter that much! now if it's like a 20 year age difference that's different! if your parents love you and really want to see you happy they will accept your decision! it may take a little while, but they will realize how important your happiness is! i hope things work out! follow your heart, and enjoy the love of your life!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 12:26pm
Well, your life is yours to define, achieve and maintain as far as the status quos of "happy, successful, secure" go.

So, you pleasing your parents by adhering ot their standards and goals and values - that's fine if they're also your standards, goals and values...but obviously they're not.

If you're financially secure and independent, if you're completely professional secure, if you're ust lacking in emotional maturity - you can obtain that.

If you want a relationship with this man and telling your parents is only not done because you don't want to "upset them" - tell them. If they respect and admire you as an equal adult to them becuase you've become a complete, mature, successful, secure, happy, and independent young woman...they can easily not approve of the choice, even choose not to affiliate - but they won't disrepsect your option and choice to be with him.

If you're beholden to them, if you're in an alliance that requires you to adhere to theeir rules, standards, and priorities in order to continue to receive education funds, or living expenses....drop this man and realize that you're being completely disloyal to them, to him, and to yourself.

If you're not old enough to live independently, define success, security and happiness, live within YOUR personal definitions of great life and how to achieve it - you're not mature enough to date a man your parents don't approve of....so you shouldn't becuase you're risking yoru "lifestyle" by doing it.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 12:57pm
I don't believe that I'm lacking any social maturity. My father is racist, and that's the problem. Since I'm their youngest child, they can't seem to accept that I'm out on my own. I lived with them while I went to college, and I pretty much stayed as their "loyal and respectful little girl" throughout the years. I've never done anything that was even mildly against their wishes. But my dad would never accept my boyfriend, simply because of his skin color. So I don't even know how they would react, but I know my dad would be disapproving and disappointed in me because of my choice to be with a man with colored skin. I remember to this day, walking to the store with my dad as a teenager. We saw a couple that was a white woman with a black man, and he asked me in a stern voice, "you would never disrespect me like that, right?" Well, my boyfriend isn't very dark at all, but he's not white. I'm just going to have to tell them soon, and he'll just have to accept it, or lose me. My mom, I'm sure, wouldn't really have any problem with it. My dad is who I worry about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 1:09pm
Okay, so you don't live with them, and you don't rely on them in any fundamental aspect. YOu're just wanting something you can't get in this equation.

You want your father to change his values and standards because "you" are involved -his little girl. And he won't do that.

Lots of people have different values and standards than their parents hold...it creates conflict. It destroys the option of that "Norman Rockwell" family that so often we want in our lives.

What a great relationship requires is shared interests, values, goals, priorities, boundaries, standards, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it. Without those things in any type of relationship - there is no harmony or trust or compatibility on fundamental and deeply reaching levels.

You and your dad don't share a belief on this subject...your values justify and entitle you to date "anybody" despite skin color, if they meet your standards in the primary and elemental ways per your definition.

Your fathers values say that the skin color being the same is ONE of those primary and elemental values that would be required if HE were to be in a relationship. And naturally, that belief had him marrying someone of his race, and that belief had him raising you to believe that it was "wrong" to be iwth someone outside of your own race.

It's just a belief you two don't share...how well it'll be dealt with in terms of respect, and cordiality, and interaction...that's really again being dictated by teh values of everybody involved.


In ay siutation, you'll default to the lowest common denominator available in the group...if you father is going to shun, denigrate, or insult because his values justify it based on your defiance of his values - whether you ought to go around your father (with or without the BF around) is highly questionable.

I too, have a parent that in extremely important fundamental and elemental ways we disagree....and as a result our relationship can only be external, superficial, and almost non-existent despite living only 10 miles apart.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com