my part-time boyfriend
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| Mon, 04-19-2004 - 11:38am |
I've been with my boyfriend for just over 5 months. Things have been moving fairly slow, in my view. But, I do tend to like to move fast in relationships. I am very happy with him and I can see myself marrying this man. But,the one thing that does bother me is that he does not call or see me as much as I would like. We only see each other once a week, and he usually calls every 3 days, or so. We have had conversations about this before, and he said he definitely thinks we are on the same page as to what we want (we both want to see where this goes, long term, i think). But, he has continued to call only every few days. I think this is all he can give right now. By the way, he is in his early 30s.
Anyway, he only lives 1 mile away, so I don't really understand why we cannot see each other more. He says it is because he works a lot during the week, and it is not intentional, and he is not distancing himself, or anything. I know for a fact that he is not doing anything during the week after work. He goes to bed early. He works long days, comes home, works out and goes to bed. But, is it too much to ask to see him one day for an hour or two. When we do see each other, we have a GREAT time. We are perfect for each other and have so much in common. We never disagree, and this phone call thing is the only thing we have ever gotten into tiffs about.
Anyway, a week ago (over Easter) I had not talked to him in 3 days! I did call and leave a msg and he did NOT return the call. So, all day on Easter, I was upset over not hearing from him. I figured he'd have another excuse like he lost his phone, or had to work... I was ready to leave him that night, if he did not have a good enough excuse for not calling over the holiday. It seems he has always had excuses before. He is usually just out with his family or really busy. But it only takes 2 minutes to call to say "hi." A check up is always nice.
Anyway, so I called and said "Happy Easter," on his voice mail. Later that night, I got a TEXT message from him saying that he had a lot of family crap going on and could he see me the next day to talk. I thought he wanted to see me to break up. It was weird that he could not just call and briefly check in to say "Happy Easter" and that he would talk to me later about the problem. He said he "could not call" because of his family being around. But, can't you just step out for a minute? Well, we went to dinner the next night, and had a very nice, normal date. He opened up to me and I let him bring it up. He informed me that his brother tried to commit suicide over the holiday wkend, and his family is a mess over it and that his brother is in a hospital now, and he is worried about his mom... I feel so bad about this. I know he has mentioned his brother has problems and it upsets him. But, he was open with me about it, and after we talked, it seemed like he felt closer to me, and was mushy and affectionate. He was clearly upset over his brother. I can just imagine how awful that would be. So, he said he does not want to break up and wants me there for support, but that I will have to "be patient" with his lack of presense and him needing to spend a lot of time with his family right now... And, that if this was anyone else, he might feel he needs to say goodbye to deal with the family, but with me , he does not want to leave what we have.
I tried to be as supportive and understanding as I can. But, I cannot imagine spending even LESS time with him. Can a relationship even work that way? I want to do what he needs me to do right now to make this work, and be patient. But, I do not know how much patience is acceptable. I have not heard from him since last Wed. If he does not call me in a week, should is this understandable? I don't know why, if you are going through a rough time, you cannot call just to say "hi" once. Is this something that will most likely change, or is the relationship going to be going no where fast , and a dead end, if we continue this way? I think we are perfect, so I want to make sure I give him his space and time, but at what point is it ok for me to be more needy? I don't know if I have patience to always wait a week to talk to him. Also, he has 2 weddings coming up that he has not invited me to. This bothers me too. Thanks

You seem to think that this means he isn't serious about you. It seems everything he does you are completely anxiety ridden over. Sounds like LOADS of fun your relationship. Eh gads why are you so busy overanlyzing everything instead of just enjoying what you do have, not talking every 2-3 days is not that big of a deal and if his brother just tried to committ suicide I would think you'd be a little more sympathetic as to why he can't devote all his waking hours to you.
You need to find a hobby and some friends to do things with so you aren't so fixated on him. This is my observation from the MANY posts you have posted on the Ask Mr. Answer man board.
But. I don't know. The way things were going before the brother incident doesn't sound terribly promising. For the first month or two, it's fine to see someone just once a week, but after 5 months you'd think he'd want to see you more, even for short dates, esp. since you live so close to each other. And if you are exclusive, I'd expect to see him at least on Friday and Saturday nights. Did you ever try asking him for a specific weeknight date - i.e., can I take you to dinner on Wed. - rather than just vaguely saying that you'd like to see him more? If not, I don't think now is the time to do it - you will not get a good answer now with all that's going on.
I don't know what to tell you. I don't have a great feeling about this, but who knows? It could just be that he really is THAT busy with work, and I think that his needing time with his family now is completely understandable. I would wait, see if you hear from him in the next week or two and go from there. I know waiting is hard, but I just don't see what other options you have.
Sheri
You might as well try to get your wishes across to him one more time. I suggest you wait til the crisis is over with his brother and then you tell him what you want. Tell him that you him you need more time together, or else you are moving on. If he can't make the necessary changes, END IT. It means he is not right for you. Find someone who is capable of giving you the attention you demand.
Edited 4/19/2004 5:16 pm ET ET by jilly73
It is easy to question and wonder what someone is doing when they are not within eyesight... while you may view his not calling as an excuse, he may view it as a reason... and, they are two entirely different things.
But, the point here is this, he has established a pattern of behavior and you don't like what you are seeing. You want more (and, that is understandable) but you really only have two choices (and you do have choices) - you can choose to accept his behavior as it is or you can choose to walk away... only you can determine what this is worth to you. But, what you cannot do is change him... that is something that he will have to do himself.
You should discuss this with him, tell him how it makes you feel and see if the two of you can reach some middle ground and compromise... otherwise, you have two choices...
tg
In my opinion, from reading your posts, I do agree that your man seems to be spreading himself pretty thin. From my own experience, when a guy is truly in love, he always manages to find time for a phone call, email, a drop by, etc. When they aren't feeling strongly about you- they are elusive as your beau is. Don't be suprised that he is asking you to hang on, who wouldn't- because you always seem to be available for him.
You can't stay with him and torture him with demands. It would give you more dignity to let him go. Try to be strong and move on eventually to a guy who wants what you want and who can give you what you want without forcing him to do so.
Good Luck!