my rebound r'ship ended--advice?
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| Wed, 12-08-2004 - 10:10pm |
I met a man a little over a year ago online who was about 4 months out of a terrible divorce. I really liked him and he liked me. We struggled through all of the issues that go along with dating someone so recently divorced and he was honest with me about his feelings. He's a good communicator (or I guess was), and I felt close to him. I wanted something serious, he pretty much just wanted to date, so as we got more serious he kept saying he doesn't know what he wants and acted like a squirrel in the road. He was honest to the core about all of his angst, but I was clueless, never having been in a rebound situation before. He also seemed to be a faithful person so I believed in him thinking we'll make it work someday. I gave him plenty of space, but he kept coming back.
We broke up after about 4 months last May. He was getting grumpy. We'd have these great dates, get close emotionally and then he'd pull back and be distant, the usual stuff from someone who's not healed and not ready. I didn't mind breaking up, although it hurt. He seemed to need it and I felt we were good for each other in a lot of ways, so I hoped he'd come back after his healing (and dating and whatever he had to do). I thought if at that time I was with someone else, than oh well, his loss.
He came back about a month and a half later and he had been internet dating up a storm. None of the women had fallen for him (we are both a little crusty, 45 yo, me never married, he 2 marriages). He said he missed me deeply, but let's go slow. I was ok with that and we dated up until about a month and a half ago when I told him I couldn't do it anymore. As much as we enjoyed each other, it was not moving forward. He wouldn't have sex with me very often because he felt that was unfair to me, since he wasn't sure what he wanted. He called me a lot and left me many sweet messages when I was traveling in the US and overseas, which made me feel great. He seemed to love me, and told me he had strong feelings for me. I believe he was sincere.
Anyway, the sad thing for me was after I told him this relationship was causing me more pain than pleasure, he seemed relieved. He told me he didn't want to break up, and he'd still call me here and there and be sweet and we went on a date or two. I was confused, still thinking he's just not ready for me, but not ready to lose me. I protected my heart though and wasn't expecting too much, at that point. But since we were broken up (and he was relieved) he told me he didn't want to keep plans to visit my family with me for Thanksgiving because he'd never met them and didn't want them to think he was jacking their daughter around.
I crawled off to heal and didn't hear much from him for a week or two. The Tuesday before Thanksgiving he called me and said he missed me and we exchanged some sweet words and he asked if I loved him. I said I did (I'd never said that to him before because he was afraid of the dreaded "L" word). He then said he had to dissapear for awhile. He's recently unemployed and needed to go figure things out, the divorce, his kids, the lack of job, me, his navel. Me being the nincompoop I am thought he'd come back and tell me he'd missed me and wanted to work it all out. Honestly, he's a good guy, but super screwed up from his baggage.
Anyway, I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks after that and he calls me last night and tells me he wasn't sure if he should call me, but if he just up and never called me for the rest of his life he couldn't live with himself. He said after he told me he had to go think, he flew somewhere out of the country to meet some woman he'd been emailing off and on since our breakup last May (he'd started a correspondence with her during our break up). He said he hadn't been emailing her in a serious way until I broke it off and he hadn't been on the personals while we were trying to make it work. I guess I'm a nut, but I do believe him on this, but it also explains the relief when I broke up with him, the chance to find out about what's waiting in the wings. He said it didn't work out with her, and for some reason he wanted me to know. He didn't want to lie to me. He didn't seem like he wanted to try again, but he I guess he wanted to confess (Catholic guilt?). He was all torn up and he said he's worthless. I told him I loved him and wished him well, and that I would always think of him fondly and not in awful ways, and he was free to find himself and find a new love and to take care. He cried, and seemed very uncomfortable and wanted to get off the phone. I wanted to say all this because I don't think I want to speak to him again, or at least not for a very long time.
I love this man deeply, but do not want to go back to him unless through the grace of God he would get counseling with me. I guess I'm just a little confused as to why he wanted to tell me he was going away in the first place (we were broken up!) and why he thought he need to confess what he was doing. In our final conversation I asked him if he ever loved me and he said yes, but because of the pain he'd been through with other women, he squelched it when it started to come up. So bizarre to me...
Plus, anyone here with experience with a rebounder who is probably a good person deep inside, but a total butthole in his/her actions due to the sitaution? Did you feel like you had to be the conselor to a lost soul? How did you heal? It's tricky, they can be such good people (and after a year or two, great catches) but not when you're with them. I'm old-ish, experienced and I'm confused. I thought I'd seen it all...
Thanks everyone, take care!

Here's where it's at.
For however many years - this man's goals, needs, his priorities, his options revolved around his wife, his career, his children, his marriage........that entity of marriage did impact, limit and expand his horizons...but it also determined alot of his direction and focus.
So...marriage, children, etc. is like being on a ship...and divorce is finding yourself in a white out storm, and the ship sinks and out there in the dark, and wind and waves with all sorts of debris floating around - you're trying to reach a point of safety. A stopping point where you can get your bearings.
The rebound relationship is what that life preserver is. It's something to grasp onto that has the familiar patterns and requirements and options...while you get your breath, your bearings, and your directional focus..because everything that you've been working for, prioritizing, protecting, adn valuing for years has been shatered, lost, altered, or must be redefined.
But, a rebound relationship is not an equality based, mutually beneficial, honestly communicative relationship between two people that admire, trust, respect, and appreciate one naother as individuals. It's two people cast adrift in life - who aren't sure where they are, who they are, what their options are, where they're headed or how they're going to get there. (you're not a "rebound" woman because he's out of a divorce...you're a rebound woman becuase you're incomplete as well). So you cling together, both grateful for the safety and security and routine and acceptance...but you're not really so much with this person...as you are "in a safe and comfortable place".
Which is what he told you all along....everything that I"ve worked for and lived for, hoped for and sacrificed for is gone, lost, shattered, or must be redefined....so I have no way to appreciate you in a partnership capacity. But I can certainly appreciate you for all that you offer me.
If the man would stop looking for life preservers, swim to shore, create a great life, and get on with it...he'd THEN know what he wants and needs in a partner. When we're truly self-complete - we look fro someone like ourselves...when we're not - we want "just the opposite."
But, our society is filled with distraction, diversion, opportunity, event, and option...and if you fill your life with that instead of getting to know yourself and creating a great life by your own definition....all you can do is "serial monogamy".
Stop messing with him. He's incomplete...and all he knows is "he wants what he wants" - which is situationally dictated, ever changing and thus no "one person, situation, location" is every "what he wants"...everything is just "what I need right now".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Thanks Terry, your post is so very wise and describes the entire thing so well. I've cut and pasted it into my computer journal. I will read it often.
He called me last night and left a message. He said he was going to start counseling and that I helped him to realize he needs help and I've been a good friend. I'm proud of him but since I don't want to call right now, I sent an email saying good luck and I believe in him.
You are right, I'm the one who has to break the cycle. It's so sad because I still love him, but I don't want to look back on this time of my life and think it was painful.
Thanks again!
Chickpee
Amen sister! you are spot on, except I'm not sure if the I'm not whole part applies (here's my ego in action). I'm a person who's maintained a focus on her own life while still building relationships (am a well-respected doctor, have moved from city to city during my education/career on my own, have carved a life out in each one of those places and grew where I was planted, have a strong group of girlfriends from my younger years and very caring co-workers). I just think I was totally naive as to what the heck a rebounder is all about since I've never dealt with one. And in some ways he hid his angst. I know he's a lost soul clinging to the driftwood, but he's a good soul, so I guess I responded to the emotional part and didn't have the experience to understand the psychological piece.
Thanks for the insightful advice. I will be chewing over this.
Chickpee