my wife needs closure from her affair
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my wife needs closure from her affair
| Wed, 12-08-2004 - 10:41am |
My wife had a 4 month affair that was discovered about 12 weeks ago...She fell head over heels for the guy and now is having a hard time letting go..She wants to let go and get on with our marriage, but she feels guilt and sadness for him, and also feels she has lost her soulmate..But she is still going through withdrawl and I am being as supportive and kind as I can..But how can I help her through this?...How can I get her to let go?...She would be at such peace when she does...Any ideas other than let time run its course cause it is diffiult on me to keep going..Thanks

I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I would strongly suggest that you post on the "Betrayed Spouse Support Board" here on Ivillage to get support from men and women who are or have been in your shoes. Best of luck to you.
Sheri
This is going to be an extremely controversial post.
I don't see the problem.
Your wife had an affair, you found out. She belives this man is her soulmate and she's devastated at the loss of "emotional intimacy and physical intimacy". Apparently you both want the marriage to continue to avoid "loss" in the financial, personal, professional, social and familial sense. But there is no "emotional bond" of love, respect, admiration, and appreciation for one another as individuals.
Closure is what she gives herself...whend espite how his attention makes her feel about herself..she says "this situation is not healthy for me to be involved in". And the feelings don't stop immediately - but she moves on and refuses to reaffiliate or reengage in that type of activity again because it violates her standards...which it obviously doesn't, at least right now.
So, I"m not sure what the problem is. She's had an affair.....she really doesn't want to sotp it. So is it YOU saying "stop seeing him or lose all your assets and status"...or is it the other man going "I"ve had enough, it was all about sex and nwo that the newness has worn off I'm onto someone else"?
If you're saying stop it...why are you doing that? You really shouldn't care if she has an emotional bond with someone else - if she's nto going to leave you and render loss to the union. She doesn't have that bond with you - why shouldn't she elsewhere?
And on that note....why shouldn't you elsewhere, as well?
Because one thing is certain...the guy that sh'es involved with does NOT want a relationship. If that had been something he wanted - he'd have never settled for "just sex" with a married woman."
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
"She wants to let go and get on with our marriage, but she feels guilt and sadness for him, and also feels she has lost her soulmate.."
Are you sure? Has she said this???
I was cheated on by my husband twice before I finally threw him out. I can't understand you - because I was ready to kill him AND the other woman both times. I was betrayed, and hurt, and I felt unloved and unvalued. Yet you say she feels as though she has lost her soulmate??? Aren't you her soulmate? Isn't that why you are married to her? Aren't you upset? Aren't you angry at being treated so callously? So uncaringly? If I were you, I'd give myself a good boot in the a** for being a doormat. WHO CARES WHAT SHE FEELS ABOUT THE OTHER MAN? YOU ARE THE ONE SHE MARRIED, PROMISED TO LOVE, AND BETRAYED. Stand up for yourself. Tell her if she really feels the other guy is her soulmate, maybe she should pack her bags and go live with him, and leave you free to happily pursue nice, single, honest women. She can whine and cry to him about soulmates and guilt and all that garbage.
Take it from me - once a cheater, always a cheater. Especially if there are no consequences.