Myspace - I'm addicted and I met someone

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Myspace - I'm addicted and I met someone
6
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 3:17pm

Hi all,

Here's my situation... I'm sure alot of you know about that lovely little site called myspace.com. If you know about it and use it, you know it can get addicting (to put it mildly). People on there mostly like to see how many "friends" they can rack up, most of whom don't even talk to each other.

Anyway, about a month ago I met this guy on there. I live in NY and he lives in CT, an hour away driving distance. We talked online over myspace, aol, and on the phone for about a month, and then this past Saturday he drove out to NY to visit me. He shelled out the $ to stay in a hotel here, took me to breakfast the next morning, and we had a really nice time together. I dont know how, but I really got to like him a lot VERY fast. I'm 29 and he's 31. He says i'm the first person he's ever actually met in person off there (I dont know how true that is though).

Anyway, last night I was chatting with him online and we got to talking about next time we get together. I dont know if this was a mistake but I kind of told him i'm scared to keep being with him like I was Saturday because I could see myself really getting into him and I dont know if he feels like that. He said I should stop over-analyzing or I wont enjoy hanging out with him as much. He also said he wouldn't have spent the money and the time to come out to NY if he wasn't interested. Also, he said if all he wanted was sex he wouldn't have to go all the way to NY for that. I guess that's a good point. He said we should hang out a few more times and see what happens. I'm just scared because i'm starting to like him a lot. Also, with the whole myspace thing, my job is VERY boring and i'm on there all day talking to him and I dont want him to think i'm up his butt looking for him or something. What should I do to keep it cool and not make him run the other way knowing how interested I am??

Sorry this was so long.
jacki

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2000
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 3:31pm

I don't know, but your mention of myspace made me want to respond.

I've been spending a lot of time there recently, but I really don't get that place. Are people just looking for dates/hookups? I get all sorts of come-ons and lewd comments there. I participate in the forums, usually in the science or philosophy/religion forums, and I don't discuss sexual or romantic matters. Yet there's no shortage of men sending me solicitous messages.

I think myspace could be so much more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 4:00pm

Do me a favor, please don't use the words, "I'm scared" when discussing a relationship with a SO. What you really want to say is, "I like you and am looking forward to getting to know you better."

Telling somebody that you are experiencing fear makes you sound like you have some issues and some serious baggage. Go ahead and talk to him during the day, but also talk to other people and make some effort to do some actual work at your job regardless of how boring it is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 4:47pm

Okay, if you'd step back a second....you'd see the whole picture.

You two talked for a month via on line and telephone mediums. He doesn't know you- nor you him. You've met once for a weekend.

People do what they do because they want to do it. Thier values, priorities and values justify and entitle them to their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values in all situations determine character, conscience, integrity and honor.

So just like you talk to lots of people on this forum you're mentioning - so does he. Neither of you consider that "wrong" or inappropriate.

And here's all that has happened. YOu've shared your thoughts - he's sshared his. Because there's been little interpersonal interaction vs. verbal/written communication - you've both had to put your own spin as to "what that person meant when they said what they said". It's common to assume they'd mean what you'd mean - if you said that.

That's possibly led YOU to blieve that you two share alot of commonality in fundamental things in life. Maybe you wouldn't have invited him for a weekend or had sex if you didn't have that assumption....only you know that.

But basically, I hear you saying "I don't normally have sex on the first meeting, but I felt I knew him so well it was justified." So now you're pushing to see where this could go.

I think he's met plenty of people on line, and he's talked for awhile and it's led to this same "common assumption". That we "know" one another as individuals - rather than "know of" one another based in assumption, projection and expectation.

He saw nothing wrong in his values with going to meet you. He didn't want to stay "with" you in the event you two didn't hit it off, he didn't want to have to drive home, or become obligated, perhaps he's living with or committed to someone and didn't want to have to explain his overnight address.......but he didn't do anything wrong in accordance with his values...if you must assume something - assume that what he did with you based on his knowledge of you - he's done before with other women that he knew to that extent, that he found attractive.

Now you're pushing possibly to make what you did - "come out right" - and again, only you know this. But it sounds rather as if this doesn't materialize into dating or more than casual sex on a sporadic basis - you believe you've "done something wrong" - in doing what you did so far, or that there's something wrong with you if he doesn't want what you want.

He's saying chill out - let's get to know one another rather than "of" one another, let's spend some time together and see where it goes. See if we're really compatible in important ways - rather than attracted in sexual ways. And that is all he's saying.

Women have no clue how to "date". A date is all about right now without projecting into the future.

And if what you do now can only be the "right thing to do" based on an outcome you don't ocntrol in the future - it's not the right thing to do in your estimation - so don't do it and create regrets and baggage for youo and your future partners to deal with.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 8:49am
....he did spend the night in NY with me, we stayed together and just talked, held each other, and watched movies all night long. Also, I know for a fact that he's not living with another woman, he lives with his brother in the downstairs apartment in his family's house.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 10:47am

Hon, seriously...you know nothing "for a fact".

You know what he's told you - you've met once for a weekend. You did spend the night together in NY....you're not sure if he was waiting for you to initiate sex or not. He didn't initiate.....I personally understand that position.

That's a GREAT position to adopt - men are doing it now - women have done it forever. Only men are doing it "smarter".

Women don't initiate because they want to be "pursued". They believe that pursuit indicates "potential commitment" based on present desire. they're scared of rejection - they don't pursue. The woman believes the "pursuer" has all the obligation ta da - therein lies the key.

So men now are adopting a "take two steps towards you and stand there" position. They'll invite you over for dinner and drinks and 'snuggle" all night long - if that is all you're willing to "initiate".

They're sick and tired of being termed "users". They figure if this goes somewhere as far as sex - great - that's a bonus and score. Otehrwise, it's a perfectly good weekend spent with an attractive woman eating, dancing, drinking, and being entertained and entertaining.

But they're taking two steps towards you sexually - and standing there. If you want "more" sexually - they've given you the opening and the situational element - but they're not going to "pursue".

Why- because theey want no "obligation"....and the pursuer is the traditional role of "obligation".

That way - if you've pursued sex with them and had it and quite often.........as you begin to "assume" there is commitment, obligation, or whatever - they're going "no, I didn't pursue sex, you did - I've been "willing" to have sex and have and it's been great. ut sex hasn't meant I wanted "more" - if I had wanted more - I'd have pursued it."

The problem is women have "sex" and "commitment/love/attraction/security/success/happiness" all intertwined mentally - at least some do.

So when they have sex - there is the assumption all the rest will or at least could follow.

Men....happiness isn't defined in the context of realtionship - it's their responsiblity to make themselves that.

Success isn't enabled by a relationship and a relationship might interfere with it - it's their responsiblity to be as successful in ways they prioritize as they wish to be.

Security is not defined by "someone by your side"........threfore a relationship isn't needed to be secure or complete or ssuccessful or identified.

So there is nothing you KNOW about this man. You haven't been interactive in his life for months and months with the ability to see his responses, actions, an reactions to unplanned situations.

You know that he's been flirtatious on line, he's been willing to come drive an hour after a month to see you for a weekend - at his expense.

That is all yu KNOW as a result of your observance of that alone.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 4:16pm

I am unfamiliar with the "myspace.com" web site... never heard of it til you wrote about it here.

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