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| Mon, 09-04-2006 - 7:03am |
i've been dating someone for 2 odd months. i just found out his ex wants to patch things up with him when she called him yesterday. he says he doesn't want to. he gave me the impression that he didn't come with baggage and i feel he's been dishonest with me. i did the dirty and peeked into his diary a week ago (before i found out about this situation) and noticed an entry about someone's arrival - the ex. i'm questioning his sincerity now but am not sure if i should see how things go, since he said he wants to see me. what should i do?

First off, snooping is never acceptable. You'll see things not meant for your eyes and come to your own conclusions which may be wrong.
Why do you feel lied to? He has no control over what his ex does or says unless he's inviting it. Is he doing something to make you think otherwise?
yes, i know snooping is wrong, it's a bad habit & it ends up bothering you, which in this instance, it has done.
there are a number of reasons why i am not convinced. 1) he said he didn't have baggage when i asked him - if he is truly not interested in reconciling with her, he could have just told me the truth. i would have accepted it, even if i didn't like it but at least i would have felt he was being honest. 2) i don't really trust him and i don't for a number of reasons - he is the sort of person who would rather not commit to anything, such as making plans, etc., and he doesn't express himself well and when he does, it takes me completely by surprise. i feel that i can't really forsee the forseeable future with this guy cos making plans, even if it's about when we catch up during the week, is usually last minute and i am the one usually taking the initiative, which frankly, i am tired of.
right now, i am having a big problem trusting him because of this situation with his ex. he was defensive when i spoke to him the day she called & all he said was he was trying to dissuade her. when i cannot control things, i depend on my instincts and my instincts don't tell me good things now. i question his sincerity.
he tried to be 'nicer' to me after we had that unpleasant conversation - stayed up with me, was more affectionate, etc. but it just felt superficial and mechanical to me. i still don't know the details about the situation with his ex and i know he will not take the initiative to tell me unless i ask.
one part of me is telling me to stop seeing him because it's just too much of a bother - if a guy can be this much trouble after 2+ months, what can i expect beyond? but the other side of me is saying to take his words at face-value and let him sort things out with the ex. i feel i have also put in effort in this relationship which honestly, i don't usually, and before this issue, we are somehow still seeing each other despite our differences (separate matter altogether).
there are other things that are niggling me about him but i would rather focus on the issue at hand.
I say go with your gut.
My position is, if someone is in a new relationship that they want to maintain, and an ex calls out of the blue asking to "patch things up", that person should really tell the ex that they are otherwise obligated and then wish them well in life.
Regarding the snooping, you obviously had a reason to feel uncomfortable enough to look so that should tell you something. Your gut is screaming at you that something is amiss.
After 2 months, you are right. This relationship is probably way too much trouble. I am all for eliminating potential drama.
hi. you're right that i don't have a good feeling about things. i've given it a few days since i found out about his ex and while i'm over the initial emotional reaction, i'm still bothered by the whole thing, questioning his sincerity & wondering if he lied to me.
i do know, from dating him, that he is not an expressive person and that talking about emotional issues such as this are even more challenging for a man of his personality. i'm not defending him, i've just come to learn not to expect much in terms of him taking the initiative to bring up a sensitive topic.
what would convince me to think that he is sincere, is if he really does tell his ex what you said he should and then to tell me once that is done, without my having to ask. i can't put a timeframe on these sort of things but of course, it makes sense for him to do this sooner rather than later as an indication of his sincerity towards me.
do you think this is reasonable of me in terms of what i think he should do to resolve this matter? do you think this is what he should do? or do you think it's a loss cause already?
hi. you asked me why i feel i have been lied to. 2 weeks ago, i looked in his diary & he had entered an august entry of a woman arriving with a later date of her leaving. i did wonder at that point but didn't think much about it. Until a week ago when his ex called & we argued. i found out that day her name was the name he had entered in his diary.
my question is, if the relationship really broke up & he wanted to dissuade her to visit him, why have that entry? that's why i don't believe him.
to be fair, he has vehemently denied that he is encouraging her & has told me that relationship is done.
but now my dilemma is: do i tell him i looked in his diary cos its making him look like a liar or do i keep it to myself? of course, his reaction could be to finish things cos i snooped. but i can't forget what i read (yes my doing).
we've recently agreed that we need to address our trust issue with each other. i slept with someone in the first few weeks of meeting him, lied to him about it when he found out & i admitted to him later what i did cos i was sorry. i screwed up, so i dont blame him for not trusting me. i have tried to make good in the last few weeks.
what can i do? i really want to get this demon out of the way. it's been frustrating as i don't have anyone to talk to about it.
In his diary, did he mention anything he did between the times she was there? I'm inclined to tell you to go with your gut here. If this is really eating at you then I would say trust your instincts and possibly end the relationship. The only other option is to let it all go and continue on. But if you were to continue in this, you would really have to let it all go otherwise the relationship won't go forward.
To me there seems to be too many things on both sides for the relationship to really be able to grow though. What do you think?