need advice and thoughts on how to handle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
need advice and thoughts on how to handle.
2
Mon, 11-04-2013 - 10:23am

Hello all- again.

It's been a couple of years since i have been here. I am back. And need help again.  

Background - My dd is 19 and in sophomore year of college. Her first year was not good having many anxiety issues. She has a learning disability and really is about 1 year behind the pack- mentally/socially – but excellent academically. 

 We had not had a good sophomore- junior year of HS as she latched on to an controlling boyfriend that i could not get her away from and of course I became the enemy and she became sexually active.   After 2 years of this - they finally broke up and i thought i was finally out of the woods. Not so.  But the damage was done, and we had trust issues and other mother /daughter issues after living a Romeo /Juliet type of existence.

Enter boyfriend #2.... I thought he was a doll, (like i did with the first one too), and he is a doll... and maybe that's the problem. She knew him from HS and on the outside he seems "perfect" – smart, intelligent, cute, kind and she is in love with him, and he makes her happy and he is VERY respectful of us, her parents  ... sounds good?  (I was almost in love too!)

Here's the problem: I just found out that many of the things he has been telling us.. which seemed interesting or farfetched, may actually be lies. She met him in her senior year in HS, and all of her friends thinks he is charming and wonderful!!!!  Which we though too... until things started to unravel. They have been dating for 2 years now

First problem.. He is muslim.. not a problem for us,,,, but of course for his parents so since the beginning he has told us, his parents don’t know, and would not understand his relationship with our daughter, so we went along with trying to understand this issue, since it did also happen for both my husband and myself as well, when we were younger and wanted to date outside our faith.  We are not terribly religious and this really does not bother us. BUT... while we would drop him off down the block from his home, where he said he lived... IS NOT his actual Home - we just found out.  He claims his parents do not want him out after dark, and needed to be home by dark , so respectfully we would get him home all summer long... before dark.. my daughter nicknamed him - her vampire!  He told us, that his parents believe bad things happen after dark... but when he is college - there is no such restriction?

This all started to get weird after he told my daughter - HE had stage 4 lung cancer and stage 2 leukemia - back in July.. right before my dd’s birthday - lost a whole weekend crying over this boy and my daughters' love for him... We have truly come to love him - even though we knew he would probably break off with her eventually - (even thought she does not see or believe this). He told my dd he has 4 years to live… and he has known for 6 months already.

He told us he has cancer.. yet each week he would tell us that the study he is in, will be starting "next month"  (supposedly it started in Sept.) He has supposedly left college for "treatment" but his answers about treatment are very "read from a script" or do not make sense...... " they are treating the leukemia, because the lung cancer is not an issue right now"??????  WHAT!!!?  He claims he is ok with the radiation, and has not side affects but the drs will not let him attend college until he is better. Therefore he is taking a break from college, but visiting my daughter at her college whenever he "can",. I told several of my friends an coworkers who know this boy, and us.. and all say.. there is something not right, and all of this does NOT ring true.  When i press my daughter.. all she says is - you know what i know.. as he tells us all info... and he never looks or acts sick.

A month ago he visited my daughter at college and she asked us to  -  we drove him home and just before we dropped him off at the end of his "block" and while talking about his new permit... i asked to see his funny picture which he kept talking about... (but i wanted to see his address....  the address on the DMV permits was NOT Seneca Rd., like he said.. it showed Flanders Ave #2....WHAT!    SO we dropped him off in the spot he wanted.. and waited.. to see if he went down to Seneca. Guess what. first he was watching our car - so we had to move.. and his watching us let us know... he was up to something.  After turning around the car to go in the other direction.. we saw him going away from Seneca and going in the direction of Flanders!!

A few days later while he was visiting at my daughter's school.... my husband checked the mailboxes that are outside the building on Flanders  - and found out his name is on one of the mailboxes! His own mailbox?  Along with 2 other boxes with the same last name.

He claims his mother works in an ER in her Pakistani/Muslim Garb - and only treats women... and the hospital allows this - since she can't treat men (??)  And when I looked up his mom’s name, as she is supposed to be a dr with a NY license…nothing comes up on the NY Registry. She does not exist.

I asked him the Dr with whom is is getting treatment at the hospital.. that name does not come up either. Anything I try to verify.. I cannot.. and I cannot speak to his parents either.. IT is a win-win for him. Nothing to validate.

He has told us that his father, not only owns the Seneca house.. but others as well… and we believed him. Just last week I found 2 websites that will tell you the owner of a house… and according to them..His father is NOT the owner of the house on Seneca, nor on Flanders!  But he just recently told my dd that his Uncle owns the Flanders building.

So.. now my stomach is in knots… why is he lying and do I tell my daughter. And how much do I tell her. And will she believe us.

I have even told him – he must tell his best friend just in case he really gets sick, so my dd has a contact to know info.. but he claims he will… each time we speak.. he will, he just hasn’t yet.

The permit is the easiest thing,, as we can tell her that we saw this and it does  not make sense. BUT he can say he gets his mail at the uncles… and she will believe it…  (I want to see him actually walk in or out for further proof)

Every time this boy comes to my house to see her or visits for the weekend my daughters school – which is now getting to be almost every weekend since he is not at his school … I am getting sick and concerned. She now stays with her girlfriend who lives off campus – just so she can have him stay for the weekend.

I do not know what to say of IF I should say anything at all.. as she is 19 and will only kill the messenger if they have bad news.  I remember telling  girlfriends when I was younger that her boyfriend was cheating /lying/ etc and she hated me..and stayed with him anyway.. until they were ready to see the truth.. but by them.. I was the outcast.

This is my daughter…not a friend -  do I tell her that my husband and I saw the permit a month ago .. or not.   Do I tell her he may be lying about other things .. or not.   Do I have my husband tell her.. so that I am not part of this??  She may trust my husband more….  And then.. when to tell… do we wait for thanksgiving when she is home?  Or just do it when we see her next. Or wait till after xmas… so we do not ruin this for her…….

She is still putting school first.. and doing well, as far as I know.   I know her world will crash if she does believe us…. Or she will be against us again

I have also thought of having a friend ask for his permit in front of her to show her this info… and then discuss.

OR do we just fess up and tell her how concerned we are that he is lying –not just to his parents but to all of us too…

Part of me says it’s her life.. stay out.. BUT I believe he is a liar… and she is innocent and does not question….

Or do I stay devious and try to not be a target?  What to do??

I

One more thing.  A friend has mentioned that he may be involved with a muslim group or some jihad.. which may trump school.. If he has no reason to live - so i am VERY concerned... or stupidly buying into a stereotype.

So I don’t know how concerned to be… or not to be.

 

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 11-04-2013 - 12:30pm

I know I would tell my DD what I found out.  Even though she's 19 she's still your DD.  You might not be able to *force* her to break up with him, but if something does happen and you didn't tell her, then you will certainly feel guilty.  I think it's very odd that he had this "home before dark" thing.  There certainly could be parents of any religion who don't want their kids to date outside the religion, but if the kid is allowed to go to college, no, it wouldn't make sense that his parents wanted him home before dark.  What was your DD's reaction to this?  I might even hire a PI to investigate him.  Do you really trust the friend who thinks he is involved in some jihad--or would that kid just stereotype?  How did you find this out & your DD doesn't know?

I would try not to stereotype people because of their religion.  I had Muslim friends in law school which was before 9/11 and people weren't suspicious of Muslims then.  But you have many other things to be suspicious about.  I'm from Boston and just thinking of the Marathon bombing.  The younger brother, who survived, went to public high school here, played basketball and had a lot of friends.  When they interviewed his hs friends after he was arrested, they were all shocked about how this nice kid could do something like this.  So when  you already know he dropped out of college, doesn't work and lies about a lot of stuff, well...why is he telling all these lies?  I'd want to look into things further.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 7:33pm

Dear Montan,

YES, DEFINATELY TELL YOUR DAUGHTER. She's only adult by legal definition. We all know at that age, they're still very naive in the ways of the world and some of us are even slower on the curve of maturity as your dd is so double warning lights!!

This guys is bad news. But it sounds your dd is strong-willed and may not take to your concerns and may even do something to distant you even further. That's your dilemma. I suggest you present all the evidence you've found to your dd. Maybe even go further with a PE if that's not prohibitively expensive and let her see the evidence too. Even the most stubborn child, even outward may resist, inside, you have raised some doubts to cracks in their r/s.

Please step in, do not let her diving down a cliff and be like that silly whitebread girl that married the older Boston brother.