Need advice ASAP, thanks
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Need advice ASAP, thanks
| Mon, 03-15-2004 - 11:35am |
Hello. I'm not sure if I should put this into this category, but here goes plus I need all the help I can get. I've been with my boyfriend for a year now and along the way he's been nice, wonderful, supportive, generous, but at the same time, hurtful, non responsive to my needs and I am unsure if he is cheating. He makes comments like "I could sleep with someone else and you wouldn't even know, just like you can cheat on me and I wouldn't know. We can't watch each other 24/7." Asked me jokingly if I would dye my hair blonde and cut it into a bobb like style, which that described one of his ex girlfriend's. His other ex always calls and sometimes leaves notes, she even comes to his house (sometimes) late at night. The fact she does these thing's urks the crap out of me, I feel like I am in some competiton and I shouldn't be. My boyfriend does what I call "sneaky" things. If someone calls late at night or early in the morning, he will immediately look at the number then he deletes all the numbers and goes to listen to the message left through his phone. He told me last month an "admirer" left him a teddy bear and some pictures of herself on his front door. He claimed he didn't know her and I told him if he didn't know her how does she know where he lives? His excuse was that his roommate probably told her. About 2 weeks after telling me that he told me that he lied and said that in fact he did know her, through the club he goes to and that she had flirted with him before. He said he didn't want to tell me that right away because he didn't want to upset me (i know bullsh**). One day I decided to go through his wallet and found one of the pictures of that girl in his wallet. She was on a bed on her hands and knees in only a bra and underwear. I was highly p.oed at that. I mean he won't put a picture of me in his wallet, but he will of that girl? Then yesterday morning someone was calling his house early, he ignored the calls but about 10 minutes later got up checked to see who called and did the routine of deleting numbers and listening to msge's. through the phone. After that he got dressed and said he had something to do and so I left, then he doesn't call me for the rest of the day. The stupid thing is I love him because he makes me laugh, he is generous, supportive, kind and protective, but at the same time he does all the above I mentioned and more and I can't help having a gut feeling that something is awry with this relationship. I am starting to feel that he is cheating, but don't know for sure. I don't know what to do, any suggestion's? Should I approach him with the subject of me feeling he is cheating? What kind of man is this? Thanks.

It doesn't matter what positive attributes this man has, the negative one's far outweigh them. This is not a grown up, loving, healthy relationship. He is childlike and manipulative. Eventually his behavior will wear down your love for him, if he doesn't leave you heart broken before that. In fact, his behavior thus far should have broken your heart enough to want to get away from him. The fact you haven't dumped him indicates you have some issues of your own you need to address. Are you afraid of being alone? Do you feel you are not worthy of someone who can commit to you and be open and honest? If so, consider going to therapy to sort these emotions out so you can be happy and independent. Only then will you find the kind of relationship you really need.
You shouldn't just have a "gut feeling" something is awry. Something is awry and it's been put right in your face. You need to just face it.
I think it's a pretty good bet he's cheating. The gifts, phone calls, picture, disappearing all day after the one phone call... it all makes sense. If you keep sleeping with him you're likely going to be exposed to all kinds of diseases. I would not "approach" the subject of him cheating, I'd just dump him.