Need advice on how to "talk" to him
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Need advice on how to "talk" to him
| Tue, 04-13-2004 - 2:30pm |
Hi there. I wrote a couple of months ago and then again a couple of weeks ago about my dating dilemma. I had met this great guy who just finalized his divorce after being separated for six years. After two months of dating (we became sexually intimate after a month, the eighth date), he "freaked" out, the reasons being (according to him) that the finality of the divorce plus the possibility of being laid off (his job is now safe) made him feel like an utter failure, and that he did not expect to start having strong feelings for me and it was throwing him for a loop-- he was afraid of getting hurt and/or not being able to give himself to me the way he felt I needed him to. Again, this was his explanation when we finally spoke after I did not hear from him for a week. When we agreed to stop seeing each other he asked if we could still keep in touch because he was hoping that when his head "cleared up" I might still feel the same and we could take it from there. While at first, I avoided that situation because the "smart" side of me was saying no way, not going there, I really missed him and could not just cut him out of my life. We had developed a good friendship as well as a romantic relationship, and that made it harder to stay away. We began having friendly conversations on the phone, hanging out platonically, and after a month, things between us began to develop again. We are now dating again, and I am like, huh? And I know, jumping back in without talking to him about it probably wasn't the wisest decision on my part. Unfortunately, it just seemed so natural that I lulled myself into avoiding the issue.
I wrote here two weeks ago about a wedding and whether or not I should invite him. I did not invite him, by the way, but more importantly, I took to heart your advice about needing to make sure we are on the same page about the relationship. We just spent a wonderful weekend together.....but I chickened out of the talk. I know it was foolish to pass it up, because he said so many things and made so many implications about us that it would have been smooth sailing for me just to work it in. He referred to himself as my "boyfriend" twice, told me how he had declined being set up by a friend because he is seeing me, and we also talked about and made plans that included his family. Again, dummy here kept herself clammed up instead of using that to initiate a much-needed conversation about my confusion.
I know he is divorced, and I do not want to blind myself to that baggage, but I really care about him and we have had nothing but wonderful times together since the "freak out". However, who is to say he will not freak out again? Is there a rational way I can express that fear to him? I mean, suddenly he seems okay with himself and spending time with me, and I am confused as to how this happened. What caused this turnaround? Is it really a turnaround, or is he just fooling himself (and me)? In terms of what I want in the relationship, I would love to definitely know we are exclusive (I have tried dating other men and I just am not feeling anything but him, and from his comments it would seem he does not want to see anyone else either), but it doesn't mean I am expecting this hard-core commitment and engagement ring any time soon. I just want to enjoy him, enjoy us, and trust the relationship enough not to worry about anything. Is there an eloquent way to express that? Yes, I am terrified about talking to him, because it is difficult for me to open up, but I know I have to do this in order for me to trust and enjoy what we have, whatever we have. I also know his fears enough that he probably wouldn't be able to initiate a conversation like this, so if it has to be done so that I can have answers, I know I have to be the one to do it.
I would truly appreciate advice on the best way to do this. I am seeing him tonight, and I don't see a reason to keep putting it off.
I wrote here two weeks ago about a wedding and whether or not I should invite him. I did not invite him, by the way, but more importantly, I took to heart your advice about needing to make sure we are on the same page about the relationship. We just spent a wonderful weekend together.....but I chickened out of the talk. I know it was foolish to pass it up, because he said so many things and made so many implications about us that it would have been smooth sailing for me just to work it in. He referred to himself as my "boyfriend" twice, told me how he had declined being set up by a friend because he is seeing me, and we also talked about and made plans that included his family. Again, dummy here kept herself clammed up instead of using that to initiate a much-needed conversation about my confusion.
I know he is divorced, and I do not want to blind myself to that baggage, but I really care about him and we have had nothing but wonderful times together since the "freak out". However, who is to say he will not freak out again? Is there a rational way I can express that fear to him? I mean, suddenly he seems okay with himself and spending time with me, and I am confused as to how this happened. What caused this turnaround? Is it really a turnaround, or is he just fooling himself (and me)? In terms of what I want in the relationship, I would love to definitely know we are exclusive (I have tried dating other men and I just am not feeling anything but him, and from his comments it would seem he does not want to see anyone else either), but it doesn't mean I am expecting this hard-core commitment and engagement ring any time soon. I just want to enjoy him, enjoy us, and trust the relationship enough not to worry about anything. Is there an eloquent way to express that? Yes, I am terrified about talking to him, because it is difficult for me to open up, but I know I have to do this in order for me to trust and enjoy what we have, whatever we have. I also know his fears enough that he probably wouldn't be able to initiate a conversation like this, so if it has to be done so that I can have answers, I know I have to be the one to do it.
I would truly appreciate advice on the best way to do this. I am seeing him tonight, and I don't see a reason to keep putting it off.

I would just express that you want to make sure you are exclusive (and define what that means to you...to me it means making a commitment to not date or seek to date other people), and what you are looking for in the long run. Let him know that you recognize that relationships take time to build but that you would prefer not to be involved with someone who isn't on the same page with you with respect to what you want in a relationship.
Sheri