need advice, please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
need advice, please help!
14
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 12:51pm
I want to thank everyone first for reading this and offering any advice.
I met this guy about a month ago. I'm really interested in him. I love being around him. I'm never comfortable around anyone, always nervous, but him, it's easy. Unfortunately he lives 7 hours away, I'm in northern Michigan, he's in Indianapolis. He came up to spend some time with me and new years. He had to leave early becuase his dad is really really sick. naturally he's having a really difficult time with it. He doesn't want to talk about it much. When I talk to him I can tell how much it's effecting him. I feel so bad for him. There are a few other things that are also effecting his mood, but this is the biggest. I don't know what to do for him. I offered coming down for a few days to spend time with him, but he said that he's not really up for it, understandable. I tell him a lot that I'm here for him if he needs me. But I feel helpless. I don't know what to do. I feel like a broken record all the time telling him i'm here and asking if there's anything i can do. Does anyone have any suggestions??? I'm at a complete loss for what to do or say. I really like this guy. I want to see this thru and see what happens with us. I don't want to be a nuissance to him but i feel helpless for him. Any and all suggestions would be most appreciated. It would be easier, I know, if we were closer together so that I could actually be there but it's not possible.
Thanks again for reading and considering my options
Kristi

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 1:42pm

I went through a similar situation...got involved long distance with a man whose father was very ill (his father died about 2.5 months after we met). It was hard to "be there" for him, particularly since he would keep saying that he was "fine".

My best advice would be to let him take the lead on keeping in touch and scheduling another visit. He *knows* you are there for him...no need to keep reminding him ;-).

Also, don't cut yourself off to dating other people until you've spent a LOT more time with him in person. I was amazed at how comfortable my now ex and I were together right off the bat...but his true self came out later in the relationship...what he showed me up front was a false front. I'm not saying your guy is doing the same thing but just that you don't *know* at this early stage. So keep your options open.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 4:17pm
As hard as it is, you need to sit back and give him space. Everyone deals with stress in their own way. Women often want to share with others and be comforted. Men usually want to crawl into their shell and be left alone. It sounds like this guy wants to do that. If you persist, you risk pushing him away. You can still occasionally let him know that you are there - call him EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE to check in and see how he's doing. But tailor your actions to his reactions. If he doesn't talk to you when you call or doesn't return your calls, back off even more and let him have his time. I know you really like him, but when he's ready, he'll talk to you and let you know that he's ready to pick up again. Good luck.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 5:01pm
Thanks for the advice.
I understand what you're saying. I hate that it's so difficult. At a time like this it's hard to be there for someone. I must admit it's hard to back off a bit. I want to be there for him. But I realize that if i put myself in there too much I could drive him away at that same time. I want to help, but it's nearly impossible to do from such a distance.
Also, I've thought about that whole aspect of one's true self coming out later. I had that with my last relationship. Because of that I'm cautious of a lot things that I wasn't before. No more benefit of the doubt. Actually, when he told me that he had to leave our planned weekend so early I was doubtful of the reason. I'm ashamed of that: to doubt a person when he's telling me his dad is so ill. But it's that past relationship that catches me and tries to make me think that someone is lying to me again. Also I didn't hear from him all weekend and it drove me crazy. i was worried about him, I didn't know if he had lost his dad or what, or if it was me. I kept having that little voice in my head telling me that he was lying and it was all because he didn't want to be with me. I did call and email him once. I tried as much as I could to not make it sound like I was crazy. But honestly it drove me nuts. He knows that I've had some issues with a past relationship (it was 5 years), who doesn't. I hate long distance relationships, especially with this, we're so far apart, but I want to see if this one can go somewhere. I really like him and want it to work out.
Honestly relationships are such a pain in the ass most times, I wonder if it's really worth it!!
Thanks for the advice and reading my ramblings!!
Kristi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 5:12pm

thanks for the advice!
True, women want to talk and be comforted and men don't want to share. I definitely don't want to push him away. He did start to talk about it in the beginning but as his dad's condition gets worse it doesn't help his emotions. Well, I'm assuming his condition is worse, he hasn't told me much. His dad had a second stroke, first one was 5 years ago. So, it's hard to figure out. I know that backing off a bit is probably the best thing. I'm just afraid that if I back off too much then he might think I don't care or something. I guess if that happened then it just wasn't mean't to be. It's just difficult when we're so far apart. But you're right, space is definitely needed. The last thing I want to do is be another problem for him to worry about. He's certainly got enough to deal with.

I do have one other small thing I wanted to ask. What if I sent him a little care package or something? I wouldn't know what to put in it? Or do you think that's a bad idea? I sent him a card last week. I guess I have this urge to do something. Maybe I shouldn't?

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 5:20pm
I forgot on thing!
When I talk to him should I just pretend like things are normal? I don't know how to act. I hate the feeling that I get from someone else that they're tiptoeing around things. So, what should I do?? I guess I'm thinking that I should just go with whatever he puts out there? I dont want to seem insensitive or uncaring about what's going on with his life.
What do you think?
Thanks AGAIN!
Kristi
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 8:45pm

I would not send him anything else at this point. Be there for him when he wants to talk but don't impose yourself on him.

I would also act "normal" in your phone conversations, aside from asking "what can I do to help?". He probably would appreciate the opportunity to focus on something other than his father's health.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 1:10pm

I totally agree with Sheri. Don't send him a care package or anything else at this point. The card was nice but definitely enough.

Same thing with the phone conversations. When he calls, ask him how he's doing and if he needs anything. If he responds with "fine" and "nothing", take that for what it is and move on. Even if he does give you something, get past that part of the conversation and move on to normal talk. He'd probably appreciate a little normalcy in his life.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 3:20pm

Back off this poor guy. You have asked and he has responded. QUICK ASKING HIM WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR HIM!! He knows you are there and will take advantage of it when he is ready. You push too hard his head will explode and you will lose him.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 6:16pm
To vexer hw and northwestwanderer:
Thanks to both ofyou for listening and being honest. I love that I can come here and everyone is totally honest.
Anyway, I understand what you're both saying. I agree with it all. I think I just needed someone to tell me. I think the real issue that I'm having with this whole thing is the distance. Basically it sucks! I think I need to reevaluate the situation. I'm not talking about breaking it off with him. But when you're in a relationship like that I think that you need to accept that there are going to be situations and things you just can't deal with normally. it's not like I can go over to his house and just be there or make him dinner or whatever. You know!? The little things. I just have this need to do something for him while things are not going well. and yes, I know even if I were closer to him that could still be too much. But do you see what I mean? The situation and things I could do would be different. At this point in time I miss him and want to be there but I know I can't. And, I know that what he's going thru is much bigger and more important right now then how I feel. I want to give it my all but sometimes you just can't do that!
Well I've talked to him a few times. I haven't pressed about anything and I've tried to just act naturally. I know that I need to let up a bit. I certainly don't want to be another thing for him to worry about.
Thanks again for listening. I really appreciate it!
Kristi
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 6:46pm

I totally understand. I really wanted to be there when my ex's father passed away but he didn't want me to come visit...he didn't feel he could really spend time with me without feeling guilty and taking time away from his family obligations. I told him I didn't care, I just wanted to be there for him, but he said no. So that was really hard, given the distance. So, I understand.

Are you letting him call you? That wasn't really clear from your post. If not, you definitely should do so.

And I know it's not what you want, but you should definitely think about dating other people as I suggested.

Sheri

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