need advice PLEASE! (kinda long sorry)
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| Wed, 01-11-2006 - 10:44pm |
I met matt the day after my 25th b-day, a girlfriend of mine introduced us, he's 28 and an ex-marine. we hit it off and IM'd just about every night after that, we went out again abot 6 days later, and than again this past sunday. we did not see eachother over the new years weekend. but we talk a lot on IM's, and he keeps me on my toes about getting back into college and finding a full time job. I felt I could trust him and chat with him about most anything, than monday night when we were talking my ex started iming me out of no where ( i have not had contact with him in over 6 years) I told matt that I was scared of my ex because of past events( he threatend to kill me and my family) matt told me to call the cops, but I didnt want to because I didnt want to see my ex after all these years, he than begain telling me that I needed professional help and that I wasnt telling him the whole story, I told just the basics and he kept on me that something was missing, so I gave in and explained the whole thing to him, after which he gave me this "I know this is not what you want to hear, but I don’t need or want this kind of drama in my life, I have other things to worry about and think about. So please don’t contact me any more, I will contact you when I am ready to." I dont know what to say to him, I sent him an email telling him I was sorry for involving him in this, but he asked, matt and my ex work at the same hospital and he started asking me what his name was, what he looked like, what was I supose to think? he acted as though he wanted to help me and I felt I could tell him. I have not been ina "relationship" for almost 2 years, I HATE drama in my life, I avoid family that have drama in there lives, but 2 days later and both of us are online and he wont talk to me, should I just forget about him or give him time to get over what ever it is that he needs to get over? I like him and thought that we were moving in a good direction till this point. PLEASE HELP.
Jen

I hate to say it, but he sounds sensible in wanting to avoid the drama and possible danger that might result from getting entangled with you. An ex who made death threats sounds really scary to me. Maybe the full story doesn't matter in the end. I don't know if you expected Matt to do something about your ex, but perhaps that's how he felt when you told him about the ex. Presumably, if the two of you got serious and the unstable ex kept resurfacing, he would eventually feel compelled to step in. I think it is totally understandable for him to want to avoid such an entanglement. Not only does it sound unpleasant, but it could be dangerous as well.
I think you need to respect Matt's wishes in this case or find a way to deal with the ex so he becomes a total nonpresence in your life. Relationships don't take place in a vacuum. The people in your significant other's life will often have a presence in your own life. I can understand why he'd want to avoid you in order to stay clear of any disruptiveness caused by the unstable ex. Hopefully you can find a way to deal with this.
Jen
I agree that you shouldn't have mentioned your ex at all to Matt. I hate to say it, but I would have done the same thing - run like the wind!
I understand that it all caught you off guard - but if you have a restraining order, why wouldn't you just call the police when he contacted you? That may have shown Matt that you really DON'T want anything to do with the ex. By making an excuse to not call the police (why would you have to see your ex to call the police on him?), it could send the message that you like the drama and aren't ready to put an end to it.
Look....here's what Matt is saying:
You are not dealing intelligently, proactively and responsibly in a situation you claim is dangerous becuase of your feelings. You want to stick your head in the sand, leaving your butt in the air to be kicked."
He's telling you "I don't handle my life that way. Chaos and drama is not a result of "doing anything wrong" specifically, it's a result of not being focused on your goals, proactive in your life in every regard. I don't want contact with you."
And he is absolutely right. HE's done....nobody makes a statement that direct that is not totally committed to themselves and future in every way.
Adopt his approach...and you'd succeed in life. Not with him per se, but life in general.
Erin
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