Need advise... a little long, sorry...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Need advise... a little long, sorry...
5
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 12:18pm

I need some advice. I met a guy a couple of months ago through Eharmony. We live about two hours apart from each other. We have met twice, he coming up once, and me visiting his city once. We have plans to meet again this Friday, but I am not sure if I should.

To give you a little of the background… I am trying to treat this relationship different than others in the past, simply because I felt that I was not doing things correctly. I am still unsure about the whole dating thing and unknowledgeable about expectations (meaning who calls who and such) and roles. He is a strong Christian and his faith is very important to him as it is to me too. He made it clear from the beginning that he is traditional in respects to dating. We talked often up until about a week and half ago. The last we spoke was last Friday and I initiated that call. Usually in a relationship I don’t even think twice about calling. When I want to talk I call, but I saw patterns in my past relationships that it seemed that I was the one always calling and pursuing. I wanted the next on to be different where he pursued. So I have been really good about not just picking up the phone to call. I did so last Friday because he had not called in like three days which was unusual. When I called he said he was just about to dial my number as well. We spoke about seeing each other again and that this coming weekend would be good for both of us. Although, this time I made the initiation to ask when we would meet again. I emailed him Saturday afternoon to let him know what day would be best to meet and about other stuff. I would have expected a reply that evening, but he didn’t reply to the email until late Monday night. He has called since we last talked. He say’s that he is looking forward to seeing me, but I just feel that if his interest in calling to talk to me is declining that it maybe its not worth pursing this relationship anymore. He told a couple of weeks ago that he is a very upfront person and will tell me if he didn’t think that there was any growth between us.

I am so confused. I don’t know if I am reading into it too much which I tend to do and destruct my relationships that way. I know that we are only at a ‘dating’ stage and there is no exclusives between us until we both feel that there is a possible future. For me, maybe it’s harder because I am a serial monogamous, even in dating I can’t handle more than one person.

Please let me know what you think. I really am trying to do this relationship differently, but it seems to boil down to the same problems. I just find it really strange that we would go from talking every other day to several days in-between as well as email not being responded to for a couple of days. Nothing in his schedule has changed so its not that he is busy with work or something.

Thanks!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 2:18pm

See, I would be fine with that amount of contact at this early stage. You've got another date set, why do you need to talk on the phone all the time ;-)? You might have talked more in the early stages before meeting to try and get to know each other a little better but now you've met in person and the "getting to know each other" should be in person...or at least that's how *I* would feel.

He just may not be a good fit for you, though, if you are someone who needs more frequent contact early on. That's what dating is all about...finding someone who is a good fit.

I would keep this date and see how it goes...then decide afterwards whether you want to continue or not (assuming he does).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 5:31pm

Thanks for your reply. I will keep the date and as you say decide from there. I guess it is a little different being that we are not able to see each other often being that we live a good distance away. I figured being that we weren't able to see each other often that wanting to talk more would show more interest. He did make the comment in his last email about not showing enthusiasm, he said that he tends to be that way and he thinks its the scientist in him. Its my first 'long distance' relationship as well and they are hard.

So do you think that I am doing the right thing by waiting for him to call most of the time since he said he is traditional at dating? I don't want to scare him off with calling all the time whenever I fell I want contact with him. I think this was why my other relationships didn't work before, because yes, it seemed as I was pushing things along too fast. I sometimes feel as if I am playing 'games' if I wait for a call if though I want to talk to tell him or whoever I am dating at the time something. I don't know, like I said in my previous post, I really don't understand the whole dating role and it is really making me distructive at my relationships.

Again thanks for your response.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 5:48pm

I prefer to let the guy call me early on in the dating process, because I like the guy to show he's interested in me by calling (but I don't feel the need to talk every day, early in the dating process). Once we're a couple, then it usually ends up being closer to 50/50 but not always--some guys just call often enough that I don't have to call them, and I like that (not that I *mind* calling, I just like the thought that he wants to take to me so there's no need for me to call him, if that makes any sense).

But I don't think there's a right way or a wrong way to date...it's more about finding someone who's right for YOU. You're not going to push away or scare off someone who's right for you, because they will accept you as you are.

That said, I'm not sure that sharing every thought the moment you have it is necessary or appropriate at this early stage. So I'd probably be thinking "oh, I'll have to tell George that when I see him" rather than thinking I would call him. Again, it's not right or wrong exactly...just style. I don't like to rush into things and talk on the phone too much in the beginning. But if your preferences are to talk everyday, etc then this guy may not be right for you. It sounds like he's had this issue come up in the past if he raised it in his email.

How often are you seeing each other, anyway? Once a week, or less than that?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 6:19pm

As I mentioned in the original post, we have only met twice, with our next 'date' scheduled for this Friday. We live two hours apart from each other. We have only known each other for two months. Our first 'date' was on the first of April, prior to that it was just email and phone calls mostly becuase he was out of the country for a couple of weeks. Since then we have only gotten together once simply due to my being sick one weekend in April then there was also Easter weekend which was very busy for me and him as well.

Thanks for the advise of: "You're not going to push away or scare off someone who's right for you, because they will accept you as you are." That is a good way of looking at it which I need to keep in mind.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 6:58pm

Right, I knew you'd only gotten together twice, with a third date coming up, I just wasn't sure of the total timeline. And two hours apart doesn't seem that bad...my LDR was with someone who lived an 8 hour plane ride from me ;-). It seems like weekly get togethers should be do-able, then, in theory at least.

It sounds like you might be thinking the relationship should be ahead of where it is because you talked so long on the phone, etc before meeting. I personally prefer to keep pre-meeting talk to a minimum because I've found it gives you a false sense of "knowing" the person, when you don't. So if someone can't meet right away (because of travel or whatever) I limit the phone calls and emails accordingly. I'm not saying one way or the other is right or wrong, just that I know from experience that's what talking a lot prior to meeting can do.

Sheri