Need Followup advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Need Followup advice
15
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 4:20pm

Last week I sent an email to the man I was seeing because I was not sure about his interest level. We ended up seeing each other again. In fact, he cooked dinner for me at his place that day. He was a great host and a real gentleman. We had a good time talking but by the time we moved from the table to the living room, his energy level went way down. He started yawning and stretching and mentioned a few times that he had to get up early for work(he's a trucker and works 12-hr days:-(... I took the hint and left (although he said I didn't have to leave). We hugged and kissed (I don't know which of us initiated that-- maybe me) just before he walked me to my car.

We've talked every day since then but I'm not really sure what to make of this. He didn't call me last night ( I REFUSED to call him this time- on a *Friday* night). He called me this morning at 7;30 am (I start work @ 7)which he's NEVER done befofe but I did not answer my cell. I did call him at 11:30 and he said he was at the doctor's office and would call back. That was 4 hour ago. I know he wants to take things slow but to be honest, I've never been in a situation where the man has not made a move after one date. *** quick background: We met online a almost 2 months ago, had our first date on the 4/14 and the second date about 10 days later. It's not that I want him to make 'a move' it's just that I don't know how to handle someone actually 'going slow' with me.
He called me after I left his place (to keep me company on the ride home :-) and said that he was glad we did not kiss until I was at the door. Is it possible that he's the real deal or is he just stringing me along?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 3:35pm
Yes... I got too attached to the outcome too soon. I seem to have a problem doing that and I hope that as I continue to date, I will be more mindful of that. As I get older, this whole dating thing seems to get harder. Sometimes i feel that my expectations are too high and I end up over-analyzing the situation (and the men). Even now, I know it comes from past hurts and distrust of men's motives. Sometimes I feel that ultimately, there really isn't a man alive who is capable of understanding and loving me. Deep down I do feel that in order for me to really trust a man again, he will have to prove himself somehow. I do have hang-ups about phone calls. In past committed relationships(esp the last one)my bf would say he'll call but didn't. Or... I'd call him and he wouldn't answer the phone. I found out he cheated on me so that who 'I'll call you' thing is key to me because I tend to use it to measure a man's integrity and interest level. I'm beginning to think that I'm incapable of going through the 'normal' process of getting to know them. It's funny because when I was younger, dating was not big deal: they came and went and I could care less. Now, I want companionship, security and stabilty.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 3:41pm

There's nothing wrong with expecting a man to call when he says he's going to...anyone who doesn't isn't a good fit for you (or me! It's very important to me that a man keep his word in the small things as well as the big things).

So if a guy says he's going to call and doesn't, and that happens more than once (without an excellent reason and a sincere apology), walk away! He's not right for you.

And there's nothing wrong with needing a man to show you, through consistencey between words and behavior, over time, that he's trustworthy.

A great book on not getting too attached to the outcome is "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills. I would highly recommend it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 4:22pm

<< It stings a bit but I think I brought this on myself and I will do better in the future.>>

Don't be too hard on yourself ... it's live and learn. All you did was take some intiative, left him a couple of messages ... he chose not to respond. For that, there's nothing to be ashamed of or feel bad about. You did what you could to show your interest.

And yes, I do agree that as we get older, it does get more difficult ... as yes, we DO have experiences to draw upon, and sometimes, those experiences get triggered, as in the case of your ex and what "not calling" means to you. But, it is very important to take each experience, each guy, at face value. Rather than project past into present. Learn from your past experiences, and then put them behind you. Those past experiences give you something to use as a "gauge" at face value ... but, they shouldn't be used as something of a prediction or reading into more than it really is. All we can do is take a chance, take what you know and see at face value, and utilize your experience in a healthy, not hindering, way.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 5:20pm
Well, next time you see him, let him initiate getting physical. You can also talk about dating philosophies - not all guys are in a huge hurry to get into a woman's points. I know that sounds bizarre but it is true
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 6:18pm
It looks like I may get another chance with him. He called me last night. He received bad news at his doctor visit Saturday and was in a serious funk about it. He wasn't ready to talk to me about it. He found out he has glaucoma in his left eye and needs surgery for it. We talked again today so we seem to be back on track. I will CALM DOWN and be patient. I will let him do the initiating :-) Thanks everyone! I will keep you posted.

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