Need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Need help
4
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 12:37pm
Ok...I am new at this and I am looking for some advice or help or just something...I will apologize now for this being long...here it goes: I am a 29 year single mother of 2, a daughter that is 8 and a son that is 9 months. My daughter visits her dad only 4 times a year due to the distance and my son's father will have absolutely nothing to do with him. So basically, I have my kids full time. I also work full time. I have just not been able to get back on my feet. You see, over the last year and a half I got out of an abusive 2 year relationship, got pregnant, lost my mother, lost my job, moved, started a new job, all while trying to be a strong stable parent for my kids. I met a man about 4 months ago online. We have been dating ever since and I can honestly say that he is the man that I have been looking for my whole life. I know that the short period of time that I have been with him and to still feel that is weird, but I believe that you can fall in love with someone before you even meet them. Because you already know what you are looking for and when you find it you just know. He is a very successful man, owns his own business, actively raises his 7 year old son, and is wonderful with my two kids. He treats my like a queen and gives me the unconditional love that I have always dreamed of. I honestly couldn't be happier! We have talked long term plans. We both want to spend the rest of our lives together and we often talk about "when we are married" or "when we live together". But have not made any plans. Here is my problem. Raising two kids, is financially draining me. I can barely make ends meet. I am constantly behind on bills, my son has been sick and I constantly get called from daycare to pick him up, which causes my boss to get upset. I fear I may lose my job due to the fact that I have missed so much work. I want the absolute best for my kids, but I can not provide all that they need at this point. I have an option to move in with my dad, save up some money, work an extra job if need be, to try to get back on my feet and have him help me with the kids. Sounds good, but the problem is that he lives 3 hours from me and that would mean me having to leave the love of my life. My kids are the most important thing to me and I want to do what is best for them, but I just don't want to lose my love. How do I tell him? Should I even move? The depression is getting to me, I don't know what else to do, and I am doing nothing for my kids by spending my time with them, crying over money, time, bills, and my own health. Please help me...I don't know what to do...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
In reply to: kimmiesue22
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 12:49pm
Wow! That is a tough one! Although 3 hours is not THAT far away. Do you think if you did move, you could spend weekends together? If you feel it would throw off the entire relationship, then you should stay put for awhile. You've made it this far in the bill paying dept, so a bit longer can't hurt. He may ask you to get married soon (although it seems a bit early now). Is there anyway you could trim off some expenses? Could you get a cheaper place to live?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
In reply to: kimmiesue22
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 12:58pm
Thanks for your response...I know that we would and could spend weekends together...and I have done everything possible to trim the expenses. I have looked for cheaper places to live, but quite honestly, no money to pay deposits and even to physically move. I want to stay so badly...I just don't want him to ask me to marry him or move in with because of my situation. That is why I haven't talked to him at all about it. I am barely paying my rent (late) car (late)...I am even two weeks behind on daycare that if I don't pay soon they will discontinue care. Everything is so overwhelming that I seriously barely make it through the day...relationship aside...I don't think that I can hold it all together emotionally very much longer...you know...my daughter went to her dad's for xmas and she will be back the 1st...I haven't even bought her anything for xmas because I literally don't even have the money...I had to borrow money from a friend to just be able to buy a can of formula for my son...my water is going to be cut off Thursday if I don't pay the bill, my rent is due on the first and I have literally $4.00 to my name until I get paid from work...which will not even be a full paycheck since I missed 4 days due to my son being sick...ok...sorry for rambling....thanks for your reply...nice to know there is someone out there...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
In reply to: kimmiesue22
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 4:18pm

The state will assist with food and utilities if you qualify, i.e., have a low enough income, even when you're working. You can also get counseling free in many instances if the pressure is just too much, been there, done that.

I don't want to jeopardize your relationship, but I would think that after four months your bf should know you well-enough that you can tell him about some of your problems at least. First and foremost, he should be a friend. So if you're having some troubles, I would think he might be willing to help some. I don't know, it's your call. Of course, you don't want to get into a situation where you're dependent upon him I'm sure, but most all of us need help sometimes.

I hope things get better for you soon. There's lots of help out there, please avail yourself of it. Your kids need you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
In reply to: kimmiesue22
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 4:41pm
You might want to talk to him about some of the difficulties you're having. If you would and can see him on the weekends, moving in with Dad might not be a bad idea. You could take turns driving to each other's houses or find a halfway point to stay at, so you're each driving 1 1/2 hours.

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