Need help and advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Need help and advice
9
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 12:20pm
Hi! I really need some advice as to how to deal with my recent boyfriend. We met only about 9 months ago but since then it has just felt like we were meant to be together. He bonded with my 8 year old daughter. She worships him and thinks of him as the daddy she has never had. I mean she clears the room to get to him when he walks through the door. About a month ago, his ex-fiance called me and told me that they had been seeing each other and that he was lying to me. Well he said that she was lying. He told her to quit calling him. When she wouldn't stop, he got his sister to call her and basically threaten her. Well something happened Sunday and they talked. He now has decided that he doesn't know what he wants. When I ask him is it over, he says he doesn't know. He is confused. I talked to his ex the other day on the phone. She has cheated on him several times and has hurt him over and over again. I asked her if she could guarantee that she wouldn't cheat on him anymore. She told me that she could not make him any life long promises and that people's feelings change everyday. To me that meant that she didn't really care about him. It is like she comes into his life when he finally found someone that made him happy. It's almost like when she called last month she expected me to break up with him and when I didn't it made her think that maybe he is actually happy so she decided to come in and ruin it. I told her that me and my daughter loved him enough to promise him that we would be there for him always. He is the first man I have fell in love with since a terrible, traumatizing divorce. I truly thought that he was the one and I never felt so strongly about that not even with my first husband. I talked to him this morning and I told him that I would do my best to stop calling him and let him decide what he wanted and he started crying on the phone. He still tells me that he loves me. When I apologize for calling him, he says well I'm not sorry you keep calling. It's like he knows deep down that she is going to hurt him but at the same time he wants her back but doesn't want to let me go. I will do anything for him and I mean anything. I love him that much. I just don't know what to do. I have tried to make myself not call him but I always give in because I am scared that he thinks that I don't love him and that I will definitely lose him forever if I don't call and let him know that I care for him and that I love him. It's like he is torn. He says that he is stupid for doing this and that he thinks about my daughter and me everyday. He has some things at my house and I have been trying to get him to come get them. Well his little ex told me that he told her that he didn't want to come over here to get them because he didn't ever want to lay eyes on me again. Well my mom talked to him and he swore that he never said that so I mean he knows that she is already lying. I just don't understand why he is torn. He has someone that has never lied to him, cheated on him or done anything wrong. Just last weekend he was telling his family that there was not going to be anyone else but me and my little girl. I just don't understand. He is slowly killing me. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't function. Please help and tell me what you think I should do.

Thanks

hlhammonds

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 12:31pm

He's slowly killing you?

Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 12:45pm
I agree with you somewhat and I know that he is slowly killing me but I just can't let go. As far as him lying, this ex has a history of lying in order to get him back when he starts dating someone. Everybody says that he will be back. I can't lie I do love him. Why does he keep telling me that he loves me and why does he keep calling. I just can't let go. I have always been a really strong person but I just can't handle this. My little girl is taking this hard also. She keeps saying that he is coming back and I don't know what to tell her. I didn't ask him to love me or her or to tell us the things that he did. I know I am being stupid but I just can't help it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 1:35pm
Well you are new to our board and I want you to stick around so Im holding back on the tough love I really want to give to you.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 2:31pm
Aww sweetie I am gonna have to agree with Wendie on this one.

Don't stick around waiting for the games to be over. Tell him it's over and move on. He likes being in the middle of all this, trust me. I don't care what he says about his ex- HE IS ALLOWING HER TO BE THIS WAY. If he truly wanter her out of his life then he would have told her to leave him alone, changed his number and maybe got a restraining order. Can I ask how this OTHER woman got YOUR phone number??? You need to tell her to stop harrassing you, and tell him to go take his games elsewhere. Think of what your daughter is learning from all this. Do you want her to think that this is how relationships work??? NO NO NO NO NO. This guy wants the drama and wants to have more than one woman wanting him. I don't know what this other woman's deal is, but she sounds very insecure as well and maybe you two should be counselling each other to move on.

Any guy who starts saying he's unsure about you isn't worth the time. You are a wonderful strong person and you don't need to be wondering what's wrong with you. "WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM???" is more the question that you should be asking. Go and find someone who sees that!!!

What do you tell your daughter? Well, let her know that the relationship is over because there were some things that you and HIM were unable to work out. Make sure she knows there's NOTHING SHE DID that drove him away. If she is really upset, encourage her to write him a card to say goodbye. Kids need closure too.

But whatever you do, if you say goodbye, mean it. Don't go back and forth and back and forth. It would not be good for you or your daughter.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 2:40pm
Get this she started working at Alltell, which is where is phone is. She got it off of his cell phone bill. He just called me about 5 minutes ago. He said that someone had called his cell phone with a private number and he thought it was me. Today's is my little girls birthday and he wanted to tell her happy birthday. It was pitiful. She told him thank you. He must have told her that he loved her because she said I love you too. Then I heard her say I miss you. It just breaks my heart. I know that he is to blame too but I also feel that his ex is out to get him again. She is known for this. She don't want to be with him until he finds someone and then she messes with his head and gets him back only to break his heart again. He was recently really sick. He was hospitalized and we didn't know if he would ever walk again. I thought I would never be with someone like that but you know I told myself that he was still the same person and that I would love him whether he could walk or not. I stuck by him through it all and then she comes along and tears us apart. I don't totally blame her but she knows what she is doing and it just really makes me mad. I just keep wondering why does he keep calling me. He calls me first thing in the morning. He has done this for the past 3 days. I just don't understand. I have had a lot of relationships that didn't work out and I was able to walk away without any problems but this one is just not that easy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 3:00pm
Ok, look at it this way... It's not only that this other woman is doing this to him, HE is ALLOWING her to do it. You say she is KNOWN for doing this- coming in between him and his new girlfriend. Well, look at him being KNOWN for ALLOWING her to come in between. If he didn't want her, then he would tell her where to go. Since he keeps ALLOWING her to pull him away from the new girls, then he obviously wants to be with her- no matter what he says to the contrary.

You need to stop talking to him and tell him it's over. If he calls, don't answer. The only way to get over him is to cut him out completely. He will not change this cycle with his ex because he wants it to happen.

You need to find a guy who's only interested in you.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 3:10pm
I realize that I do need to cut him loose but that is so much easier said than done. It is driving me crazy. Since Sunday I have lost 12 lbs because I can't eat or sleep. Why does he keep calling though is what I don't understand. He won't tell me that he doesn't want to be with me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 3:16pm
Does the "why?" really matter?
Lilypie Baby Days

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 4:24pm
Well, my guess would be that he's calling because he wants to keep his options open in case things don't work out with his ex. The more pertinent question is, why are you TAKING his calls? Are you really ok with being his 2nd choice?

I would suggest that you ask him not to call unless and until he is 110% sure he wants to be with you. That way, you will know that you have left the door open, but you can move on in the meantime.

Sheri