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| Thu, 07-15-2004 - 12:20pm |
Hi! I really need some advice as to how to deal with my recent boyfriend. We met only about 9 months ago but since then it has just felt like we were meant to be together. He bonded with my 8 year old daughter. She worships him and thinks of him as the daddy she has never had. I mean she clears the room to get to him when he walks through the door. About a month ago, his ex-fiance called me and told me that they had been seeing each other and that he was lying to me. Well he said that she was lying. He told her to quit calling him. When she wouldn't stop, he got his sister to call her and basically threaten her. Well something happened Sunday and they talked. He now has decided that he doesn't know what he wants. When I ask him is it over, he says he doesn't know. He is confused. I talked to his ex the other day on the phone. She has cheated on him several times and has hurt him over and over again. I asked her if she could guarantee that she wouldn't cheat on him anymore. She told me that she could not make him any life long promises and that people's feelings change everyday. To me that meant that she didn't really care about him. It is like she comes into his life when he finally found someone that made him happy. It's almost like when she called last month she expected me to break up with him and when I didn't it made her think that maybe he is actually happy so she decided to come in and ruin it. I told her that me and my daughter loved him enough to promise him that we would be there for him always. He is the first man I have fell in love with since a terrible, traumatizing divorce. I truly thought that he was the one and I never felt so strongly about that not even with my first husband. I talked to him this morning and I told him that I would do my best to stop calling him and let him decide what he wanted and he started crying on the phone. He still tells me that he loves me. When I apologize for calling him, he says well I'm not sorry you keep calling. It's like he knows deep down that she is going to hurt him but at the same time he wants her back but doesn't want to let me go. I will do anything for him and I mean anything. I love him that much. I just don't know what to do. I have tried to make myself not call him but I always give in because I am scared that he thinks that I don't love him and that I will definitely lose him forever if I don't call and let him know that I care for him and that I love him. It's like he is torn. He says that he is stupid for doing this and that he thinks about my daughter and me everyday. He has some things at my house and I have been trying to get him to come get them. Well his little ex told me that he told her that he didn't want to come over here to get them because he didn't ever want to lay eyes on me again. Well my mom talked to him and he swore that he never said that so I mean he knows that she is already lying. I just don't understand why he is torn. He has someone that has never lied to him, cheated on him or done anything wrong. Just last weekend he was telling his family that there was not going to be anyone else but me and my little girl. I just don't understand. He is slowly killing me. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't function. Please help and tell me what you think I should do.
Thanks
hlhammonds

He's slowly killing you?
Don't stick around waiting for the games to be over. Tell him it's over and move on. He likes being in the middle of all this, trust me. I don't care what he says about his ex- HE IS ALLOWING HER TO BE THIS WAY. If he truly wanter her out of his life then he would have told her to leave him alone, changed his number and maybe got a restraining order. Can I ask how this OTHER woman got YOUR phone number??? You need to tell her to stop harrassing you, and tell him to go take his games elsewhere. Think of what your daughter is learning from all this. Do you want her to think that this is how relationships work??? NO NO NO NO NO. This guy wants the drama and wants to have more than one woman wanting him. I don't know what this other woman's deal is, but she sounds very insecure as well and maybe you two should be counselling each other to move on.
Any guy who starts saying he's unsure about you isn't worth the time. You are a wonderful strong person and you don't need to be wondering what's wrong with you. "WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM???" is more the question that you should be asking. Go and find someone who sees that!!!
What do you tell your daughter? Well, let her know that the relationship is over because there were some things that you and HIM were unable to work out. Make sure she knows there's NOTHING SHE DID that drove him away. If she is really upset, encourage her to write him a card to say goodbye. Kids need closure too.
But whatever you do, if you say goodbye, mean it. Don't go back and forth and back and forth. It would not be good for you or your daughter.
You need to stop talking to him and tell him it's over. If he calls, don't answer. The only way to get over him is to cut him out completely. He will not change this cycle with his ex because he wants it to happen.
You need to find a guy who's only interested in you.
I would suggest that you ask him not to call unless and until he is 110% sure he wants to be with you. That way, you will know that you have left the door open, but you can move on in the meantime.
Sheri