need help communicating with bf

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
need help communicating with bf
1
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 4:38am
I'm new here...stopped in because I really don't know where else to turn...just a warning...this s a long one...I have to give some background here...bear with me. I'm so frustrated in my current relationship and I don't know what else to do. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now...living together, and for the most part we have a really good relationship. Our only problem that we seem to have is that we can't communicate with each other. I feel like whenever I try to talk to him he just shuts down and won't talk. I try really hard to be patient and not bug him about talking but it seems like if we don't actually talk then things just fade away like nothing happened. He seems perfectly fine doing things that way but it drives me crazy. About 3 weeks ago we had a major relationship issue...I found him in bed with another girl...hadn't slept together, but obviously was not where he should have been. A year ago I had lied to him about having communicated with an ex and having gone to his house, where nothing happened, just talking, but I still am not sure to this day that he believes me. Anyway, with this girl about 3 weeks ago...we ended up talking about things...had a really good discussion...no yelling, he was very honest with me about exactly what happened, and I think we both came away feeling better about things. I won't say that it doesn't still bother me because it does, but I don't think I give him a guilt trip about it, just have bad dreams sometimes and I have told him that. So a week ago, for Halloween I was supposed to go out with friends Saturday night...plans fell through...I was already dressed in my costume, and really wanted to go out. He refused to go out with me, and it really bothered me that he couldn't at least come out for a little while even if he didn't really want to, just because he knew that I really wanted to. But I knew he was tired so I let it go, and we ended up spending time together at our apt. which was nice but I was still bothered by the situation, and didn't say anything because I didn't want to argue. The following night I was at work and he started talking about going out with a friend...said he really didn't want to go out but that "he was going to make an effort to at least go out and have a drink or two." He said he "needed to mend a fence" with her because they had gotten in an argument about some things she had said to him about what he had done to me when he was with that girl. I told him that I wish he would have made the effort to go out with me the night before because I thought he had a fence or two to mend with me. He blew up over that...told me he was tired of always going back and forth about things...arguing...which we really rarely argue..just sounded really final about things and it scared me, but he wouldn't talk to me any further. I wrote him a letter and told him that I didn't mean to turn what he said into a bad thing...that he was trying to fix things between him and his friend but that it just came out that way. I told him I was happy that we had been able to work things out that had happened a few weeks ago. I also told him that I don't know how to communicate with him and that I think we have a really good relationship but that I don't want the communication issue to destroy it. I suggested going to talk to a counselor too. So I wrote him the letter a week ago...still have yet to hear a response. He did tell me Wed. last week that he appreciated me not pressuring him about getting back to me, but that he just hadn't had a chance to write anything back. Yesterday he told me he would have something for me last night or today (Sunday). Still nothing. I talked to him this evening from work and tried to get him to talk...asked what I could have done differently...tried not to be accusatory or make him feel like he had to defend himself...still nothing. I'm at the end of my rope...trying to be patient because he really doesn't respond well to me putting my foot down or bugging or rushing him. But I don't know how much more patient I can be. I feel very put aside at the fact that he can't seem to find the time to get back to me and is avoiding the situation, and I told him that...no response still. So this is why I am writing...to see if anyone can offer me some help. He had also said that he didn't think talking to a counselor was necessary yet. I'm just so frustrated and confused. I don't think this needs to be so drawn out, but I don't know how to get him to open up. He seemed to be responding well to my not pressuring him this week, but now this is getting really ridiculous...it's been a week since the letter. I won't torture you all with anymore writing now...and thanks to anyone who has actually taken the time to read my book that I've written here. Any advice or suggestions would really help...I don't want this to be the end of us...he's said that he wants to work things out but he's not helping the situation by not giving me any feedback. Please help.

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anonymous user
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 8:56am
hate to be the first reply and be negative to you but im of the opinion that you can't have mis-trust with-in a 'relationship'. It just eats you alive inside until it gets to the point where even the smallest of things become major issues of mis-trust. I've recently finished with a man who i was with a long time and loved (still do) very much. Similar situation as finding him with someone else (is he telling the truth? was my question). Thing is once the bond between you has been broken it's very difficult to fix and things are never the same again. I could be a cow and say just cut your losses and leave but i know it's just not that easy. Is it only a matter of time anyway? if you have already tried talking and he doesn't want to then it speaks volumes. I think if you ask yourself why are you still trying and what benefits you provide one another by trying to stay together then your head and heart will tell you where you go from here. I never listened to my instincts and should've, they're in the back of your mind for a damn good reason, try to listen to whats being said. I hope you sort things one way or another but it's only you that can decide. All the advice in the world is great and does help in some ways. I honestly think you already know what you should be doing but being here just helps to confirm the things in your own mind.