Need help understanding BF comments

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Need help understanding BF comments
4
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 3:08pm
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. In June he told me he wanted us to live together. Yesterday, he admitted that he said that because he thought that's what I wanted to hear, but he didn't feel "ready" for it. He says he's afraid if we live together that I'll want to change him. He's afraid that I think he is someone he doesn't measure up to (i.e. a great guy) and that I have my expectations set too high on him. He wants to make sure he doesn't move in with the "wrong" person. He feels pressured about me being ahead of him in our relationship.

Now, he says he loves me, and still wants us to be together and be boyfriend/girlfriend, with separate houses, inter-crossing schedules, etc. Is he giving me the run around and buying time, or is he still working things out? He was is a 5-year very bad relationship that ended a couple of months before we met, and he says he's been burned. Is this an excuse? Will he ever make up his mind? I'd love men's input on this one. I can't read the foreign language.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 3:33pm

Maybe this time he means exactly what he said.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 4:00pm
Thanks for the reply, jajalel. I do believe that he is sincere about his feelings for me. And I know he is not interested in seeing other people.

I know he is having a hard time giving up his single life, because he took care of his ex for way too long, and now enjoy the lack of responsibilities. How can I help me feel comfortable that moving in together is not such a horrible experience but would actually help our relationship grow? How do I let the pressure off him, while still letting him know that's what I want in the future?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 6:15pm

There isn't any easy answer.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 8:32pm
From a man's point of view, I'll tell you what I think. It sounds to me like he has been burned really badly from the previous relationship. He may have even really wanted to move in with you the first time, but then he replayed the previous relationship through his head and the fear built up. I think the fear is that he really likes you and is afraid that when you live together, you will see him in his life as a whole, and not just when you get together. In otherwords, you'll see him at his best and worst. This may be what doomed the last relationship. I suggest talking to him about why the relationship failed and get him to be open and honest about it. This will bring you two closer and help you understand him better. It may also help you avoid the problem that doomed his last relationship. If he loves you, and it sounds like he does, he'll open up and he'll want you to help him through this. In the end, it will make you stronger as a couple.

Good Luck :-)