Need more patience or move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Need more patience or move on.
2
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 1:13pm

I met someone about 3 months ago at a country club. Coincedentally we happened to live really close by each other and shared a lot of things in common. We spent the night talking and since then we talk everyday on the phone or by text. The downside to the whole thing is in the almost 3 months that I have known him I have only seen him 3 times apart from the night I met him. He works for his dads company, and works mon-sat pretty much from open to close. He only has sunday's off and usually gets out of work late. All 3 times that I have seen him he always comes straight from work still in his work uniform. He has been having issues with his father because he feels he needs a better schedule and to work less hours so that he can have some type of a life. He enrolled in school yesterday which just makes him more busy, I applaud him for going back to school because I too am enrolled in school and I feel it would really benefit him in the future.

When we first started talking he made it clear that right now he did not have the time to be anything more than my friend. Twice I have told him that I could not continue to talk to him because my feelings were growing for him and I didn't feel I was getting in return what I was giving. But, both times he would reach out to me again and we would pick up where we left off like if the conversation I had with him never happened. I have mentioned to him that I didn't understand why it was so difficult to see him and he would just tell me how he works crazy hours and that he wished he could see me more often.

I have 2 daughters he has no children at all. I always felt a little insecure about it, almost as if though if I didn't have any children things between us would be different. He has reassured me that me having children is not an issue for him at all. His brother is in the Marines stationed in california, and the last time we hung out he mentioned something along the lines of "when you meet my brother". I don't want to read too much into it since well he could have just been saying it to say it, but it sort of felt like if he saw some type of future since his brother won't be in town for months.

His last relationship officially ended in April, they had been together for 4 years, the last year they were on and off. He found out she was cheating on him, and other lies that she had said. He told me that he was in love with her and that even after they broke up he still had feelings for her and that he couldn't believe what she did to him. He said that he always trusted her and that she really messed him up when he found out the truth.

I am not sure if I should just continue to talk to him only seeing him on average once a month, or if I should just cut it and move on. I really like him, and we really do click. We could spend hours talking on the phone, we have chemistry and he makes me feel so good inside.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2011
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 3:52pm

Hi Chica! 

This definitely seems like a pickle you have got yourself it. First of all, I think you should listen to your gut feeling and try and move upward and onward. He even said that he can't be anything more than "friends"- that doesn't exactly scream that eventually he can see a relationship or intimacy blooming. 

Also, speaking about his ex and everything kind of shows how unavailable he  is in regards to starting a new relationship. 

It seems like every time you try and cut contact he hits you up again and things rekindle. YOU have to be the strong woman you are and stay true to what you believe. I think you know that this is difficult and before anything changes HE needs to get his stuff in order. 

I know you have feelings for him but you shouldn't sit around waiting to see if he will come around. Perhaps later on he might figure out his situation and a relationship will be more doable but for right now, you need to concentrate on you by moving on and enabling yourself to be open to other prospects!

Hope this Helped and remember- chin up! The next best thing is right around the corner. 

xoxo 

Amy. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 8:46pm

I think  you should only keep in contact with him if you make him a peripheral part of your life.  For ex, there was this guy I have known for a while who I met up with again a couple of years ago & we went out to dinner.  I had hoped that we could date but I think I would have been satisfied if he said he wanted to be friends & only go out to dinner once in a while cause we did get along well--plus we had never gone past the friends stage (i.e. not even kissing).  But I would have put him in the friend category & not made my life about him--he would have been just like another one of my friends and I would have tried to date others.

If you find that you are talking to this guy often, putting scenarios in your mind of having a relationship with him and really want more than friendship, I think it would be difficult for you to be "not more than" friends--then you really have to cut off all contact and do what Amy says--tell him that it's not that you don't like him, but you realized that he doesn't have much free time right now and that you are really looking for more so it's not fair to either one of you to continue this way.