In need. Please help. What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
In need. Please help. What would you do?
9
Sat, 09-24-2005 - 6:12pm

Hi, and thanks for opening this. I'm going to try my hardest to make this as short as possible, because I am in some real need of guidance, and I could go on forever! {{ If any of you are familiar with any of my precious posts, you know that }}

I'm unhappy in my relationship of three years. Just unhappy, and I put it on the table today, it's no longer an issue I only disscuss with friends. I just finished doing some of those online "Should we break up?" quizzes and have been getting mixed results. I think a quicker way for me get my situation across to you would be to list the things I don't like, what is making me unhappy, and the state of this relationship. I really would like to know what you would do if you were me. I'm listing these occurences by most recent.

1. Last weekend, in an almost empty movie theatre before the actual film began, he yelled and cursed at me, blaming me for making him miserable. (Also kicked chairs, and obviously disturbed the other ppl in the cinema)

2. The same day, because we were in public and other men may have been looking at me,(trust me ladies (and men?lol) , I looked VERY respectable for the occasion) he basically told me that I looked like a whore. (A 'Ho' to be exact)

3. The last post I posted here (couple months back) was the emotionally disturbing issue of him, having secretly recorded footage of my close friends from a tape I had made from my birthday party. If you hadn't read that post, the tape pretty much consisted of him repeatedly pausing and rewinding a scene with my best friend passing by, as well as a scene with another SLIGHTLY exposed friend in a revealing top.

4.He makes me feel like if I leave, his life will suffer. (I know that this alone is abuse)

5. He has this fixation with women that I don't feel is normal. He owns more porn than I am confortable with. He will record anything from television depicting an attractive woman (the vcr is always ready to record), men magazines to the max, AND his room, like that of a 16 year old boy, is covered with women wearing next to nothing. I don't enter his bedroom ever anymore.

6. He tells me I'm beautiful all the time, and I can't remember the last time I believed it.

7. When we see differently on certain issues, my objective is to acknowledge we see differently....his objective is to understand nothing but the fact that I must be wrong.

8. Since we've been together, he has never had a steady job.

9. I think he's cheap. Let me tell you a quick story: I dont work, I just began University. For christmas and my birthday I came into a bit of money, and at this time he was not working and was having great problems paying the rent. I gave him $300+ of the money I received. So, recently he got a job (lost it though) and gave me $90 for 'thanks'. He said he wanted to give me $100, but had to buy something. Then, he mentioned that I should use the money to get him a nice gift. Then, that day, we needed to go out to buy food, so I took up $10 to get a snack for afterwards. We ended up going into a bakery where he ordered stuff for himself, and still asked me to cover it. So I gave him the 10 dollars, and he used his OWN money to buy the pastries, and kept my 10 bucks, mind you, that 10 bucks came from the 90 he gave me.

10. For everyone of the family ocasions on his side of the family, I've been the one to purchase the gift that is 'from us'. I never even get help with the gift idea. ( I don't work!)

11. He has not finished High School. Intelligence is extremely attractive to me.

12. When we are confronted with big issues and it comes time for me to stand my ground ( I am not a shy person) he has this ability to make me feel what I have to say is insignificant. Like right now, I know there are more things that are bothering me, but I just came from his place, and after our discussion, I've gone from the stance of "We have to break up' to 'We should break up...maybe" ... i let him know I feel this way about his personality, and he believes that is because i know he is right, I just can't stand to be wrong. I don't agree.

13. When he is mad enough (never for good enough reason), he puts holes in the walls.

14. That is all I can think of right now.

You may now be wondering what on earth I am doing still in this relationship. Or maybe, you don't think there is a big problem....I don't know, I am very confused right now, but being honest with myself, my greatest desire is to be alone, and to see how it will feel. I want to see the world through different eyes. I got into this when I was 15 years old. I am almost 19. I think I was too young to have made such a commitment. What he is telling me is that every relationship has its problems like this, and we need to work it out. What upsets me is a quiz that I just did told me that it is highly possible that these are just growing pains. But I am unhappy. I recently met someone else that even seems to be a better pick for me -intelligence, money, bf material-..... but that's not even important now, I know I need time to be alone and find myself, because the person that i thought I was - the person that I thought I knew wouldn't be putting up with all the things I've been putting up with. I feel I need to be alone for at least a year and a little more.

The things he has sacrificed for me are basically him waiting for me to get older, which wasn't easy for him. I've never spent a full night with him. It took a good while for my parents to really accept his existence. And we don't really see each other that often, maybe once a week, but that really is all that is possible now, and MAYBE IF HE WAS WORKING, he wouldn't notice his solitude as much. His whole family lives in our neighbor city and he likes to say that the reason why he is working so hard and down here all alone is because of me. And because of this effort he's put in, I feel guilty. Not guilty enough to remain here though. At least I don't think.

I basically feel that I have simply changed. Exactly what everyone was telling me would happen when I was a bit younger. What would you do? What do you think of this? This is abusive, isn't it? I should feel more freedom to leave if it's what I really want to do. I don't feel happy here. Is this how every relationship will be? Somehow i doubt it.I think I've matured somewhat, and that I need the chance to at least have a little break. He believes that in every relationship, people need to change big things about themselves and work hard to make it work. I don't really believe that and he tells me I'm wrong. I believe that a healthy relationship must start with two complete people who love each other from the start, as both of them come. Minor changes should take place. I'm right, right? lol.

Why is it that he has this ability to make me feel so wrong? All the time. When deep down inside I still feel like I'm right.

I mean to write him a letter. Because when I talk to him, I feel incoherent.

What do you guys think? I am really anxious, and I can't wait to hear from you. ]
I really need help. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 09-24-2005 - 8:22pm

I hope I can say something that may be helpful. It sounds like the two of you probably have completely different values. It probably took your getting a little older for you to acknowledge your strengths to yourself.

I think you may be hesitating about breaking-up or taking some other definitive action because you've grown attached to this guy and may not really know what else is out there. Sometimes, taking a break can be helpful without really breaking-up, just putting a little distance/time between you for awhile.

Other than that, my suggestion would be to just observe other guys for awhile. You don't have to date them, just get an idea of what they're like. You're right, 15 probably was too young to make such a huge commitment and it sounds like your bf is exploiting that fact. He took advantage of your naivete' but you're out-growing that now. You can see that his behavior is unacceptable but guilt and so on keeps you bound. So my advice would be to take little steps away from him. Start gradually doing more of what you want to do, get around other people, see what the world is like. You may decide he's a good deal, relatively, or you may want to move on. Either way, you will have made an informed decision rather than basing it on "blind" commitment or obligation.

It really helps if we can form a mental picture of who we like in our minds. Some people seem to make this too specific but if it's too general, just about anyone can get in. You may start to really appreciate him more if you decide that he's your "ideal" of sorts and he may start appreciating you more because of it. However, decisions like that can't be based on ignorance. I think this is why many people spend several years dating, i.e., to get a feel for what they like in others. Of course, that can be scary for some people and it really takes some positive experiences with people to be able to form any good mental images, it seems. So try to pick people who will be healthy and beneficial to you.

If you do decide to stay with your bf, I would start to lay down some guidelines for behavior. Of course, you can't dictate to him how he should be but you can certainly share your values and see if he'll follow. He sounds kind of lost. You don't want to fall into an unenviable "mothering" role, however, so try to keep boundaries between you two, i.e., where you and your responsibilities end and where his begin. Some immature people try to get others to be their consciences for them or something. Anyway, good luck and I hope things turn out well.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-24-2005 - 9:26pm

The abusive stuff in 1 and 2 was enough to make me say WOAH! Then I read #3 and remembered who you were. I really hope you find the strength to end this unhealthy relationship soon.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sat, 09-24-2005 - 9:39pm
This isn't an emotionally healthy relationship and I would end it as quickly as possible.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Sat, 09-24-2005 - 10:42pm
Already with your support I'm feeling stronger. Thanx so much for your time. He just called me a minute ago saying "Don't worry, it'll be fine, I'm going to stop getting so mad" or something like that. He thinks he knows what's wrong but he has no idea.
It's just who he is.
THANX SO MUCH AGAIN! Any more suggestions are greatly appreciated.
I want this to be the last post I come here with because of this garbage that I've found myself in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 3:01am

Break up with him and find a man who is responsible and does not have "anger management" problems.

I only read half your post, since I got the point that you're not happy AT ALL, but for some reason you're trying to convince yourself to stay with this man. My question is why? You're putting time and energy into a sinking ship, and the longer you do, the faster it will go down with you in it. He sounds rude, immature, irresponsible and abusive, what kind of role model would he be to young children (should you want them)?

You're so young and without the real experiences of dating/ relationship, so I can understand why you're so confused here. But let me tell you that relationships are work, yes, but not HARD work! There are issues, yes, but not ALL THE TIME. There are compromises and discussions, maybe not agreements right away, but there is respect from both parties to resolve the issue.

I spent 5 yrs with an alcoholic drug user, every day was a fight with him, but now I've been with a wonderful man for the past year, and every day is wonderful. Sure, we've had issues, but we discussed things and there is no yelling, screaming or punching walls like a child throwing a temper tantrum to get his way.

I think you deserve a good man, do you not?

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 2:12pm

Oh, honey,

You are worth so much more than this. Drop him as fast as you can and don't look back. In fact change your phone numbers he sounds a little nutty to me. There are tons of guys out there that would love to treat you like a queen. Why are staying with one who makes you feel like a something he stepped in? We women are taught to always think about everyone but ourselves, break out of that. If you don't love yourself no one else will. You are responsible for your own happiness. This relationship is not making you happy, get rid of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 10:13pm
Thank you....Thank you ......THANKSSSSSSS!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2005
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 3:55am
I hope this doesn't sound too harsh but you NEED to end things with him!! It does not sound like a healthy relationship for you at all. He seems to have a lot of control over you and that is never good in ANY relationship. Your situation sounds like something I went through 4 years ago with a boyfriend I dated for a year and a half. He told me all the time I looked like a slut, or that my boobs were too big, or that my head was unproportional to my body...it had a damaging affect on me! Still, to this day I do not trust men and I have trust issues in my relationship now because I'm afraid that when he tells me he loves me or that I'm beautiful, he doesn't really feel that way deep down. Numerous counselors have told me I feel this way because of my ex boyfriend. You listed in your post a lot of things that were bad in your relationship with this man. Now, can you list as many good things about your relationship with him?? Please, you seem like a smart woman...don't let him do this to you. You can find someone who has had more education (which you said was a quality you liked in men), one who can pay for his way, and one who treats you the way you should be treated. However, this is just my advice...but I'm afraid you're in a verbally abusive relationship (especially since he cursed at you in a movie theatre and called you a "ho")
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 12:42am
Hi there... Just wondering how are things now? Couldnt find a new post.. thanks