Need quick advice please
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| Sun, 09-03-2006 - 8:34pm |
I have been emailing back and forth with a guy on-line off and on for about 5 months. It wasn't a dating site, it was a message board site we both were long time posters to and started emailing off the board. He suggested we meet for drinks about a month ago and we did. I had a good time and I think he had a reasonably good time too but we were both very busy (he had a major work project) and haven't talked to each other sinceexcept for a few times since then. His project is finished now and and he sent two emails a week apart apologizing for not keeping up with me better. We made tentative plans to meet today or tomorrow to both bring our dogs to the park and meet there. Then he emailed me at seven this morning saying he had to go into work today but would call me afterwards to see what I was up to. Now, I had told him that my plans were pretty much open this weekend except probably hanging out and grilling with my neighbors but it wasn't a solid plan yet but if we do he's welcome to join us. But its now 7:30 pm and he hasn't called. (I only gave him my phone number yesterday, we've only communicated by email before and met in person that once).
It seems to me like I'm being blown off. Unless I was too vague or don't have the same concept of "calling after work to see what you're up to". At this point, assuming he ever contacts me again, I want to just forget it and not answer his email or phone call even if its tomorrow to see if I still want to do something.
I've been blown off a lot lately by friends (I don't know why all of a sudden this is happening to me) and I want to make sure I'm not being over-sensitive and being too hard on this guy. I kind of liked him and don't want to blow a chance if I'm wrong about this but if I'm right and he's being rude or not treating me right this early in the game, I don't want to have anything to do with him. I've had so much of that kind of treatment in my life the past two years by a bunch of different people that I would rather be alone and lonely forever than allow some guy to treat me like a doormat or not give me at least the minimum amount of respect I deserve.
My best friend just blew me off (again) today and I'm feeling a little over sensitive and want to make sure that's not clouding my judgement.
Any opinions?

Well since you're noticing a pattern, I would look to yourself to see how you're contributing. Maybe you're being too vague and leaving things open. For example, with my friends we make specific plans on specific nights and times. I'm not saying you're the only one to blame but every solution starts with us.
Next, I would talk to those people who are blowing you off and let them know that you do not appreciate it. If they are friends, the two of you will work it out.
Now for him... he's a stranger. If he said he was going to call after work, unless he's working late, then he should call after work. A few ways you can handle it... you can let it go and just watch him next time. If he apolgizes, then give him the chance. Or you could just stop communicating. Any option is completely up to you.
Why does this keep happening to you? I believe that when we need to learn a particular lesson, the Universe (or God or whatever you believe) keeps putting that lesson in front of us until we get it. Right now you're lesson is about being blown off. So what are you going to do to learn from it?
Keep us posted. Hope this helps!
I don't know why I keep being blown off. I've tried so hard to figure out why I get treated the way I do. I always keep my commitments and get hurt and frustrated when people don't keep thiers. Its not like I'm always badgering people to do something and they're just being nice to get rid of me. Much of the time its them calling me to do something and then blowing me off. Or meeting me and then get a call for something better and ditching me. And this happens from so many different kinds of people, some long time friends, some new friends and usually guys. Something about me that just says "filler".
I really think I would rather have no friends than always be everybody's plan B. I mean, if you don't want to hang out with me then just leave me alone and not call at all. And no, I don't act negative or make demands or complain a lot or any of those things that turn people off. And even if I did, why keep asking me again and again. I'm sure the next question is why do I keep accepting the invitation again and again. Well, until now I haven't had the desire to have no friends but now I don't care anymore.
I'm pretty much ready to close up shop and become a hermit or recluse then keep getting my feelings hurt. Maybe that's what the universe is trying to tell me, "give up and forget it".
Sweetie, if the Universe wanted you to give up, then you wouldn't be here... Period, end of story. I think you're already learning something and I can see that from your response. Do you see that you said you keep accepting the behavior? Maybe it's as simple as that... when these people try to make another plan with you, just say "look, I would love to but honestly you've blown me off in the past and I really don't want to make plans only to be blown off." Just call it girl. There is nothing wrong with you... only something you need to adjust in the way you're handling the people who are doing things to you.
I had this problem awhile ago. It seemed everyone would blow me off. Until I stood up and did something about it. And now I have people in my life that when they say they're going to do something, they do. And if it happens they can't, it's a really good reason but they let me know beforehand.
If the people around you aren't being their word, surround yourself with people who are.
And DO NOT GIVE UP! I know it's hard to go through it but a few months down the road it will all change. That I can promise you.
bklynchick,
That's an awfully big promise but I appreciate your comments none the less. I'm not really sure how much "down the road" there is for me. I'm not a teenager or twentysomething just starting out and even my thirties went past without finding any kind of happiness and I'm pretty tired of everything. This last year has kind of been my last try at keeping a positive attitude about life. I'm pretty much done with trying (and man have I tried) or hoping or anything. I'm not saying I'm planning on ending my life at this point or anything. But as far as setting myself up for more disappointment, I think I'm ready to throw in the towel. It's funny, I've always felt a special compassion for those lonely little people who go home to their tv dinners and cats and seem so sad and cut off from life. Now I totally understand them, hell, I'm going to be one.
Girl if going home to TV dinners and cats means someone has given up, then count me in that club! I have two kittens and I eat frozen dinners at times because I travel a lot and sometimes don't have food ready... but I hear you.
Look, I understand where you're coming from. I don't know how old you are and I'm no psychologist but if you wanna talk, feel free to email me. (You can find the email in my nick's link above.) I've been where you are and know how rough it can be and sometimes this forum isn't the right forum... so feel free.
I don't have the answers, I can just share. And I know you want to give up right now so you know what? Take a break. Recharge. Fill your cup back up and see what happens after that... I made the promise simply because I know where I was and where I am. And I'm sure at some point, I'll be where I was again... that's part of life. And that's how I know I'm living... Makes sense?
Thanks.
I've already posted on the suicidal thoughts/feelings board (under a different name)and that helps a little. That WASN'T where I was going when I posted my question here but the more I sat here thinking about what it WAS about and what it means (again) my thoughts turned to where they always seem to go lately. I appreciate your kind words and I may end up emailing you. I think I'm going to try and go to sleep now if I can (its hard to lately) or get some air or something. But I need to get of the computer now because its just winding me up instead of calming me down.
Thanks again.
I certainly do understand your sensitivity and of course you deserve to be treated with respect by everyone in your life! That said if he does email or call give him a chance to explain/apologize. It's also possible that since he emailed you so early in the AM to explain he had to work he didn't totally remember he had said he'd contact you later in the day. But if and when you do hear from him accept his explanation but say that you had been under the impression he would contact you later in the day and while it was ok if he wouldn't have been able to make it that night in future you really do appreciate when people are able to keep their word even if it's a quick communication to say they're tied up that day.