need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
need some advice
4
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 3:17pm
last month my boyfriend left me and all he said was that he needed time to think about what he wanted. well then he tells me that i was being a bitch and that i need to change and start trusting him. he would call and ask if i was doing ok and ask if i was seeing anyone. and i am not. we have 2 children together and he comes almost every friday to get our daughter. he is not my son's real dad but my son knows him as his dad. he keeps a good relationship with him though. the thing is, i can't seem to get over him. one day he says that he wants to think about working it out and then the next day he says that he just wants to be single. i was hospitalized for dehydration and depression over this and now i am on medication. it keeps me going but i still miss him. he was here on friday to see the kids and he said that he will give me an answer about us on friday. should i keep waiting on him or what? he called sunday and was supposed to get the kids but he was sick so he said he wasn't coming. but we talked and he said that he was still thinking about us and it looks good. but i don't want to get my hopes up. he says that if he comes back he wants to be able to go when he wants to go. which i don't mind but the thing is that when he would go before he wouldn't come home. he said that he never cheated and i know that he has slept with women now that we aren't together and i am trying really hard not to let that get to me. but i just feel that if he comes home and wants to go out with his friends that he will be out with these "girl" friends. i just want us to be a family again. should i go for it if he says yes or what? i don't want to be hurt again....please...i need advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 7:21pm
Having a child together makes things tough. I know you want your daughter to have her father in her life, and you want your son to be around the man he knows as dad, but if it's not going to make you happy, then why pursue it? I have been in that yo-yo kind of relationship, and it hurts. After two years, me and my ex broke up, but we continued to see each other on and off for the last year. He would tell me he still cared about me, and he didn't know what he wanted, so I still kept my hopes up, especially because he would be intimate with me. Now he's seeing my roommate (See "How could they do this to me?"). If you know he's been with other women, what would stop him from doing it again? You have to do what is right for you, and is right for your children. I hope this helps you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 12:35am
hi before answering your question let me say one thing, the fact this guy left and that sent you into such a depression you had to be medicated makes me think there is something missing from your life besides him. my best advice to you would be to sit down and really think about your relationship with him its highs and lows, then think about whats best for your children, and also you need to decide if he comes back do you think he;ll stay for good or just for awhile. and it also sounds to me like this guy thinks he should be able to just go out without any questions or input from you, but in a marriage that just dosen't work. do you go out alot? or is it just him. and as far as him sleeping with other women while you were apart that makes me think that he is comfortable with you but part of him is looking for something else and maybe he is wanting to come back because he can't find whatever it is hes looking for and now he's tired of looking but that dosen't mean that if the oppertunity ever presents itself he won't take it. also if him going out alot bothered you you should ask yourself if you really miss him or the idea of him because the longer someone is gone the more you think about the good things and forget the bad but in the end all you can do is follow your heart and see where it takes you. good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 7:40pm
i just wanted to thank you for your advice. i still haven't made up my mind about what to do. and he has been coming around a lot this week and he stayed one night and we were intimate. but when he left today i asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he got really defensive. what should i think? then he left and called me on his way home and said that if i keep on blaming him then he isn't coming home. i just love him so much and don't know what to do. i'm so happy when he is here but when he leaves i'm always thinking that he is going to play "family" with someone else. because a couple of times that we talked on the phone he was at a girl"friends" house and i heard her little baby in the background...am i just being parinoid?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 8:01pm
If you believe that you deserve a commited, long term relationship with a truly wonderful man...then you have to admit that you've given this guy long enough to prove himself and give up the fantasy. The longer you drag this out, the longer it'll take to get on with your life...you can drag out this thing for months or years and then you have to go through it all again because he isn't going to change.

It's hard to get over someone, period. I think your pain is healthy and natural...you'd be getting over this guy quicker if you never saw him, but with the kids the mourning process is dragged out. If you give him the option to come back, worse, to come back with an open door policy, you're setting yourself up for even MORE heartache.

You DESERVE to have a guy who thinks you're a princess and who treats you like a queen. You are not the scullery maid that he can discard on a whim!!

What you need to do is a. toughen up around him and b. develop a business relationship with him. You need to NOT see him, not talk to him...communicate via email what you have to about the kids and that's IT. Don't be there when he comes to pick up the kids and when he drops them off. That's just putting yourself out there, 'in case'. DOn't do that to yourself.

Good luck.