Need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2008
Need some advice
4
Sun, 12-23-2012 - 6:01pm

I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over 6 months and I love him very much. He is around 15 years older than me and has 2 awesome kids that I adore. He is very attentive and takes care of me whesick am sick and does/says things that guys my own age would never do or say.

There are a few things that are bothering me though that I need some advice on. One of the things is that he doesn't always have a lot of money so I find myself paying thing slot of things myself which is fine, but it is nice to have someone take you out to dinner every once in a while. I also love to travel and would love to have him go with me but he can't afford it due to child support, etc.

aanother thing is I just told my parents about him and my mom wants to know why he is divorced. He told me when we first dated that he had cheated on his wife and that it was a stupid decision that Howe would never do again. But I don't want to tell my parents this because I don't want them to judge him before they meet him.  I guess I just need some advice on how to handle this situation. 

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 12-23-2012 - 6:43pm

I am getting the impression that you are kind of young.  Is that right?  I think you have to be realistic about marrying a divorced guy with kids.  His priority has to be paying his child support, so you should consider whether you will be happy sharing the amount left over if he has limited funds.  Are you able to support yourself?  His ability to go on vacations will probably be limited for some time.  Are you prepared to be with someone whose kids are probably going to come first, maybe not in affection all the time, but at least have to be a priority?  If not, then I'd say look for someone your own age who doesn't have kids.

As far as your parents, I think you should tell them that the reason he got divorced is a private matter between him & you.  As an adult, you don't have to share everything with them.  I have a 23 yr old DD and I know I'd be concerned if she had a BF who was a divorced man with kids--probably not what I'd choose for her.  But I also don't feel that you should be sharing private things that he told you with other people unless he wants to tell them.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 12-23-2012 - 6:55pm

   I second what Music is  saying.  Having him as a lover ok.  But marrying.  Not without a pre-nup and a real advice from a divorce/ family law lawyer.  In some states your income can be attached for child support.  You and the relationship should come first but the legal and financial hit may be for a long time.   In this time in this culture the love conquers all is still in effect.  In truth it does not!  loving and living can be two very separate acts.  If he is being "super dad" then in time it won't be such fun.  You will in time really resent those expenses for the children.

    Already you are feeling annoyance: 'but it is nice to have someone take you out to dinner every once in a while. I also love to travel and would love to have him go with me but he can't afford it due to child support, etc."  Think of how that will be in the years to come. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2008
Sun, 12-23-2012 - 8:54pm
Hello, Thanks for your feedback :) I am kind of young (29 years old). I really love this guy and is the first relationship I've had in 3 years. I am able to support myself just fine and I know he can go on some vacations (we went to the beach for a few days), but I am an international traveler and I know those trips are expensive. I don't mind his kids being a priority, I really like them. But I am worried about having my own kids in the future, if we would be able to support them financially. He asked me to move in with him when my lease is up in February but I told him I wasn't ready for that yet. Truth is I'm worried it would benefit him more. He said the logistics were right, but I don't think that is a reason to move in with someone. I think he really loves me and if I had this discussion with him I would think he would try to make things work. I just don't want to sound too selfish.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2010
Tue, 12-25-2012 - 9:01pm

I would find someone else something just doesn't feel right about this guy if you ask me.