Need some advice...
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| Mon, 11-29-2004 - 3:49pm |
Hi everyone,
I have a little bit of a situation here, and desperately need some advice. I apologize in advance for this being so long.
My ex boyfriend and I have been broken up for about a month now after 3 years together. The last few months of our relationship were not great. I live about 25 minutes away from him, he didn't come up to see me, I thought about being single, he would be verbally abusive at times when we would fight, and other things. One Monday night last month, in October, when my roommate and I were drinking with some guys that live two floors below us in our apartment complex, one of the guys was coming on to me. I kept pushing him away, but then he kissed me when we were outside, and it eventually lead to sex. This was while I was still dating my ex. The next morning I was disgusted with myself, and could not believe that I cheated on him. I did not tell him that week. The following Tuesday, my boyfriend at the time left a message on my cell phone and said "we need to talk". I thought at first that he found out about me and this other guy, so I was preparing myself. (I was planning on telling him, but just not that week.) He came up to my apartment, and was sitting on the front step waiting for me right after I got off work. I walked up to him, greeted him, and noticed that he was crying. We went in his car and talked, and he confessed to me that he had cheated on me the previous night. I then confessed that I cheated on him exactly one week before that. We were both shocked with eachother. The thing that really sets me off, however, is that the girl he cheated on me with, I had a bad feeling about her when he had first met her, and said that she had wanted to go hang out sometime. She had called him once over the summer, and he didn't answer. Then I find out that that was the girl that he cheated on me with. I guess that she had initiated it by starting to kiss him, he pulled away at first, but then it lead to sex--EXACT same situation I was in. My ex and I were both under the influence of alcohol when we both cheated.
Now he keeps trying to work things out with me. We have been hanging out, (even had sex, which I regret now) and talking A LOT. The thing is, I told him that the reason why I believe I cheated is that I was unhappy for awhile. I had wanted to be single, and I felt that he didn't really love me anymore, and that night, I made a bad mistake, yes. I had asked him why he cheated, and he really didn't have a reason. He was not unhappy in our relationship.
The thing is, now he's acting so sweet to me, it's almost like it's an "act". While we were dating, the last year or so, he would push me away if I wanted to lay by him most of the time, we didn't have sex that often, and he would be verbally abusive at times to me, which cut me down. And on top of that, I found out that he cheated.
I know he feels awful about it, and I know he deeply regrets what he did, just like I do. But, I wasn't the one who treated him badly, like he did to me. However, now he's saying he "realizes what he lost" and "hates himself for how he treated me". I'm just confused on what to do. I want to be single for awhile, since I am only 20 years old, but at the same time, I still love him. My question is, now that he knows what he's lost, and he can look at our relationship from a different perspective, and promises me that he would never treat me how he used to or cheat on me ever, should I believe him? Or should I just move on?
Thank you all for your input, and for taking the time to read this.
-C

The fact is that if both of you are cheating, both of you don't want to be in this relationship.
It sounds like you're trying to make his cheating worse than yours by talking about the girl and how he treated you, etc. Thing is that if you were unhappy with his treatment of you, then it was your responsibility to stop it, not him. I think what spicydish says is spot on. Leave this relationship, take some time for yourself and figure out why would would a) allow someone to treat you in a manner which shows no respect, b) why you are behaving the way you are and c) why you just didn't talk about your unhappiness rather than cheating.
I hope this helps and I hope you take the time you need to heal. Keep us posted!