need some advice on fdating

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2004
need some advice on fdating
4
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 6:41am
I need some advice on dating a soon to be divorced man. We have only been together for a short amount of time (less than a month) though have known each other for almost 2 years. I care extremely deeply for him and feel like I havent felt in forever. he treats me very well, just like i've always dreamed of being treated and makes me very happy. Though it's been a short time both of us have expressed our love for each other and definitely show it.

The thing is, is he has 2 very young children (which is no problem for me) his soon to be ex wife took them apx 300 miles away to be closer to her family. He misses them terribly and doesnt get to see them very much tho he talks to them on the phone several times a week. The mother has been very cruel and mean to him, telling the oldest one (she's 3) stuff like he is a mean bad person and he doesnt want to live with them. Now she is threatening to get a lawyer so she can get more child support, severely cut back on his visitation until he sees a therapist (she thinks he's unstable) etc.

I know he is devestated alot and gets depressed at times (especially when remember the times he spent with his kids or seeing other kids etc) He was the one who filed for divorce. Thing is tho during these times I have no idea what to say to him. To be sympathetic towards him. I've told him that I support him and care about him etc. I can understand what he is going through. But other than that I have no idea what to say or do.

Now a second problem (well not really a problem just something that has me confussed and worried) we chat by email alot especially when i am at work. Today he sent me an email stating that he was in a bad mood, that it wasnt something he was sure he could talk to anybody about, or tell anyone about and because of that fact it sucked. I told him if he needed to talk he could to me. He said he didnt think it was something i really wanted to listen too (tho in the past he has told me about the problems w/ the soon to be ex etc and tho it was hard for me, i still tried to help him out). He said it wasnt anything i did and not to worry. But i am. I dont know what is going on, what happend. half of me is worried i did something or he found out something about me (we work together and he had a friend who i work closely with tell him lies about me, tho she did try and hook us up) or it has something to do with me. He has told me in the past (as recent as yesterday) that he is planning on moving in about a year to another town or state. I told him that this had upset me and i didnt want him to leave.

Does anyone ahve any advice, ideas, things i could do to help his situation out. All I want is for him to happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 11:03am
Unfortunately this man is not in a position to start a new relationship with you or anyone else. First of all, he's married. You and he are putting the cart before the horse to start something up before his divorce is final. Also, it takes time to heal from what he's going through. It will be some time until he's emotionally available for a healthy relationship (months or possibly even years) with you or anyone else. You can try to be there for him as a friend, but if I were you I'd still keep dating others. He's not ready or able for a relationship right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 11:34am
I agree with the other poster - he is in no position to begin a new relationship. He is still married, and going through a bitter divorce, can't see his young children, etc. He just has way too much going on to be able to devote much time/attention to a relationship with you. Where does he want to move next year? Is it to be closer to his children? If so, I think it is wrong of you to try to talk him out of it.

I think the best thing you can do for him is to pull back, be friends with him, and not pressure him. Let him sort things out with his divorce and his kids.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 1:22pm
First, he is a still married man who has chosen not to live near where his kids are (why - money? is money/job moreimportant than having a close relationship with your kids?) - two- he needs a therapist/emotional bandaid now not a girlfriend - he is going to have mood swings having nothing to do with you and the last thing he needs on top of everything else is to have to deal with reassuring you that it is not you and feeling obligated to share all this stuff with you - a person who really cares recognizes that it is not all about her and if her bf needs space or is in a bad mood, to give that space and not keep needling him for reassurance or making it all about her (I just had this experience last week - I restrained myself from making it about me, gave him space, when he came to me I dealt only with his issues and not my need for reassurance and I cannot tell you how much he appreciated that and what a bonding experience it was).

I think at minimum wait till his divorce is final for a year - if as you say you buy his version of events - that the ex is so cruel and mean, do you really need to deal with a man who is still married, going through a divorce and dealing with a witchy woman on almost a daily basis? Unless you want to be his emotional bandaid which he will discard once the dust settles and he wants to have some fun being newly single, stay in contact once a month by phone at most and tell him to contact you next year as far as dating - if you are meant to be you will be meant to be then as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 1:40pm
First, let me say I am soon to be divorced and I am dating someone. I consider this my first healthy relationship and I think it really could be something that will last. However, given that I am not divorced, I am proceeding with extreme caution. I know there should be more time in between leaving my marriage and starting a serious relationship with someone. It's just that I met this great guy and I don't want to end it just because the timing is bad. One thing I have done is start therapy. I know I have bad relationship habits and emotional baggage from my marriage and other past unhealthy relationships. The only way I can avoid taking those with me into future relationships is to understand and deal with them myself.

Ok, so now you know something about where I am coming from.

Your biggest problem as I see it, is that all you want is for him to be happy. You only been together a few weeks and you've already stopped looking out for yourself! Or maybe you never did that. If you can't put yourself first, then you need to figure out why that is. Being with this guy will not make you happy if you can't make yourself happy first.

You also need to keep in mind that if you were getting his ex's spin on things the story might be completely different. Be skeptical. It is certainly never okay to tell a 3 year old that her dad is mean. But if the ex is demanding that he get into therapy, then I don't think she's necessarily being cruel. That is a sign she thinks he needs help and wants him to get it. Him going to therapy does not benefit her if she wants to take advantage of him in the divorce, or keep the kids away from him. Therapy can only help, that is true in any situation. We could almost all benefit from therapy.

That comment he made about not being able to tell you something, well, if he didn't want to tell you he wouldn't have mentioned it. He wants to tell you, but he wants it to seem like you had to force it out of him. Then if whatever it is shocks and disturbs you, he can say that "see, that is why I didn't want to tell you, I knew you'd react like that" and you'll go into defensive mode and try not to seem so predictible and say "no, i am just surprised, I still love you no matter what."

He has some big issues to deal with and you can't help him. He has to deal with them himself. You have to let him deal with them himself. Realize also that you might be his rebound relationship. The thing he needs because he is afraid of being alone.

My last thought is that it is nearly impossible to be truly in love with a person when you've been dating less than a month. Before now, all my relationships went from "hi, nice to meet you" right to "i love you, let's move in together." So I've been there and I know how it happens. The problem is you don't and can't ever really know a person that fast. And when you think you do, you are actually just making lots of assumptions about who you think they are. It takes months and sometimes years to really know another person. And to make a smart decision about who you want to be with long-term, you really need to be sure you know that person.

My opinion then is this. Step back. Make sure you are taking care of yourself first and foremost. Any relationship you are in will fail if you continually loose sight of that. Let him work through this and give the relationship some space.

Jennie

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