Need some help please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2004
Need some help please!
4
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 6:42pm

Hi - I'm new to this board here and really hope someone can help me out. I'm at wits end right now and don't know what to do. I've got a looooong story but I'll make it as brief as possible. I met my boyfriend on the internet (7 months ago) and we had an instant connection (I'm 29 and he's 33). He's 2 hours away at the other end of the state. We met within a week of our 1st phone conversation. He immediately told me he loved me and felt things for me he's never felt before, talked about getting a ring etc. I kind of told him to hold off a bit until we get to spend more time together to make sure it's right. I told him I only wanted to get married once and if it was the real thing, great, but I didn't want to rush into it because we were all hung up in the puppy love stage. In that timeframe we talked daily, usually IMing at night after work then afterwards on the phone until 3-4 in the morning. We really got to know each other and realized we wanted all the same things for the future, seemed like he was the one. He called me his future wife, soulmate, said my name with his last name, etc. I thought my dreams were coming true and I had finally met 'the one'. I've even told him that I'd move to be with him once my lease is up on my apt in the spring. So we're not playing games here, at least I'm not.

Over the past couple months things have changed. The phone calls have minimized severely. I'll call him at night get his voicemail and he won't call back. He said he came home and fell asleep (which he said is a side effect from the medication he's on for anxiety/panic disorder). Why couldn't he call 1st and say "I'm tired, I'm going to bed"? Two weeks ago we went all weekend without talking and he got mad at me for not calling. I was busy working all weekend and kinda wanted to see if he'd miss me. I said to him, you know my number too. I call him and he doesn't answer anyway. All we have is the phone and the internet right now and lately it's dwindled down to little contact. He swears up and down that he loves me and that there isn't anyone else. (Must add this in... he was cheated on before by an ex-fiance and it destroyed him. So he vows that he'd never cheat but also has very bad trust issues and always thinks that when I'm not online that I'm out with other guys etc. It's so not the case since I was cheated on years ago as well and would never cheat, and he knows that.) I just don't know what to do anymore. All along I've made all the effort to see each other. He never initiates anything. But yet he says he loves me. How can you love someone and never make any effort to see them? We last saw each other in August for my birthday. We had plans several times after that but they didn't work out for one reason or another.

I just don't know what to do. I really fell in love with him, and him with me (so he says) and lately I've been hurting terribly that our relationship isn't what it was and that we don't ever spend any time together. I chalk some of it up to him being a guy that just doesn't think that way. But come on now, I'm not stupid. I have this guy who has promised me the world and I so badly want it all to happen. But now, I'm on the verge of ending it because he just seems so uninterested. The last thing I wanna do now is be back out there looking for a man again... UGH! HELP me please!!!

Barbara

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 12:12am
Sounds like my marriage. All relationships tend to start out hot and heavy. Then as time goes by it becomes just like any other day. In other words the sizzle is fizzling, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He may not be as excited about things. Try not calling him again all weekend. Don't call him at all. If he really has feelings for you, he'll call you. If he doesn't call you within 3-4 days from Friday to Monday, then I'd say he's no longer interested. It's a painful long test, but it will tell you the truth. Just prepare yourself for the worst. Better to find out now than moving in and finding out a month into a lease. BTW, I'd rethink this guy anyhow, because he sounds like he could easily dissappoint you and hurt you because he already has. You need a more commited and thoughtful guy. If you don't get one to fit your needs you'll be sorry and live a very lonely life. Hope all goes well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 7:05am

Hi Barbara...

Pianoguy thinks your relationship began with "too much too soon!" It's not that PG doesn't believe in "love at first sight"---but sometimes words are said too quickly (on both sides) because one or both partners have a bad case of...err..."raging hormones?"

Just out of curiosity...you DID 'have a life' prior to meeting this man...didn't you?

If he's expecting you to completely alter your interests and personality based on HIS TIME FRAME....that's a "major red flag!" Simply because he's showing you a "prevue" of the lifestyle the two of you will have when (or if) you settle down together!

Personally...I think your expectations for "living happily ever after" are premature. Particularly when you consider the fact that the 2 of your are in a LDR (long distance relationship).

If there are "trust issues about YOU" on his side...that's another red flag!

Do you like the idea of spending the rest of your life with a man who "might be monitoring your every move"---even if it's just a trip to local grocery store?

TOSS HIM BACK and give another woman the chance to find out how crazy he is!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2004
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 11:48am
Thanks everyone for your help. You've given me a lot to think about. I actually talked to him about it a little last night and he doesn't want it to end. He says it'll get better. I don't know. I may just give it a little more time to see if it does and if he really means it. I have a lot to think about now. I appreciate your honesty with me. It's hard and it hurts but I need to hear it all. *SIGH*
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2006
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 1:13pm
Barb, how ya doin sweetheart. I'm sorry to hear of your frustration, it sounds like a handful. First things first, YOU GUYS NEED TO TALK. seriously, get some talkin done. I dont care about the internet thing, I met my husband in Feb off the internet and we have a baby coming in March, talk about fast! Not judgin ya on that one!!! But lets see...could be a few things here...he could be pushing you away. It sucks, but its possible. You said he was cheated on, he could be closing up. wanting to, but afraid of, getting that close again. He could be 'testing your love for him'. Guys are a puzzle, B. They are just as complicated as we are, if not more. Main thing, you guys must talk. bottom line. If he doesn't then you have to walk away. You can't chase him forever and be the only one giving. Hes doing all the taking and it needs to be equal. You need to feel loved and missed too. Good luck -Jen