need someone's opinion

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
need someone's opinion
4
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 3:58pm
I am dating a man I met through an online dating site. We first met about 5 months ago and in the last 2 months have started seeing each other a couple times a week and talk 3-4 days a week, before that we would get together a couple times a month and not talk much in between dates. The way I see it is that we are getting to the point of a relationship, but I wouldn't say he is my boyfriend. We really haven't talked about the status of our relationship with each other, we are just enjoying it the way it is.

I have 2 children from a previous marriage that he has yet to meet, I usually see him when my children are with their dad. He is also divorced and has no children. I think everything is going great between us and I was pretty sure he felt the same way. He told me about 6 weeks ago he took himself off the online dating site. (I removed myself about the same time as meeting him, I wanted a break from it) When he told me that I took it as he wasn't looking to date anybody else, and I wasn't either. I had to look at the sight to make sure what he was telling me was true, and he wasn't on there anymore. So here's my problem. I like to check that sight on occasion to make sure he's not back on, and last week he had his profile posted again. Things are still great between us, he still calls me, we are still seeing each other and still having a wonderful time together. He has gave me no reason to believe he would want to date other people. But in the back of my mind all I can think is that he is looking to meet someone else. I don't know what to do. I probably shouldn't be checking up on him, but I'm falling in love with him and don't want to get hurt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 4:57pm
It's time to have a thoughtful discussion with this man about what you both want and need out of life and the timing influences involved. This does not mean that you ask the question - "Where is this going?" - and then sit back in judgement as he tries to find a polite answer.

This means that you both look at life as a whole and describe the things you want, the outlooks you have and the timing you desire. You like the man, its now time to see if your agendas and timing are well matched.

It sounds like you want a true relationship. He may only want to date and keep things in the here and now with no directed plan for the future. There is nothing wrong with either answer - but you do need to find out if you have common ground. Any question you ask him you must also be prepared to answer fully and honestly.

If you do find that you have mutual interest and common ground, then you can bring up the discussion about exclusivity. Include in this discussion what is acceptable use of the dating site. When you get to compromise and agreement then you can move forward.


Edited 9/20/2004 4:59 pm ET ET by spice.man

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 5:24pm
It sounds like things are going well, so I wouldn't worry about it. Honestly, there could be a million reasons. Maybe he isn't quite so sure about his feelings for you as you might be, at this point. Maybe he wants to cover himself, just in case. On-line dating is a funky thing. And maybe he just likes to flirt. Since there is no formal attachment, confronting him would be the wrong thing to do. Wait until the word 'exclusivity' pops up on his end in the conversation before you start jumping to conclusions.

Good luck! Hope it works out.

Elle

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 7:32pm
I would have a real problem with that. Even if you haven't officially agreed to exclusivity, the last thing he told you was that he was taking his profile down. Putting it back up without telling you that he is doing so is deceptive.

I would just bring it up. Say something like, "a while back, you told me you were taking your profile down but I noticed this weekend that it's back up. I know we've never agreed to date each other exclusively, but you putting your profile back up feels uncomfortable to me. Are you interested in dating other people at this point?" Then see what he says.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 8:42pm
i believe that honesty is the best policy. dont sit around and wait for him to make a move b/c by that time who knows where you and he will be. if you want an answer, i think you should talk to him about it.