Need to understand the logic of a man...
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Need to understand the logic of a man...
| Wed, 05-05-2004 - 6:45pm |
Hello,
Two years ago Jay and I went out on our first date and we have been inseparable ever since. We're in our mid twenties. He loves me so much, and I love him. We are there for eachother in the bad times, and when we disagree, we talk and wok it out without getting angry. I have never been happier in my life, and I love him unconditionally. However there is something I don't understand and I need help. Our love is mutual and he tells me every day that he wants to be with me forever, and I return that sentiment. We have had several discussions about engagement, but its there that everything hits a brick wall. Everything about our relationship is more than I could ever have asked for and I don't see any reason not to be engaged. Engagement is an expression of love. He just says "hes not ready"... then he says "2 more years... no, 3.... ok 4..... maybe 5.....how about 6 more years?" I just don't understand it; I've asked every question I can think to ask. I ask if its the price of a ring, because I don't need an expensive ring or any ring that matter as long as I had him. He says "no its not the ring". I ask if he's worried about marriage because his parents are divorced. He says "no." Is it me? "no". Is there something else you need from me in this relationship to make you feel more secure? "No". Is there an issue in the relationship we need to work on? "There is no issue!"
He says he wants to get engaged, but not for another 4 to 6 years, and marriage another 6 years after that. I don't understand what he is waiting for, and for the first time in this relationship, he's not giving me any reason. Just "I want to be with you forever...I'm not ready to be engaged".
Huh, I thought it was the same thing...
Any thoughts?
Two years ago Jay and I went out on our first date and we have been inseparable ever since. We're in our mid twenties. He loves me so much, and I love him. We are there for eachother in the bad times, and when we disagree, we talk and wok it out without getting angry. I have never been happier in my life, and I love him unconditionally. However there is something I don't understand and I need help. Our love is mutual and he tells me every day that he wants to be with me forever, and I return that sentiment. We have had several discussions about engagement, but its there that everything hits a brick wall. Everything about our relationship is more than I could ever have asked for and I don't see any reason not to be engaged. Engagement is an expression of love. He just says "hes not ready"... then he says "2 more years... no, 3.... ok 4..... maybe 5.....how about 6 more years?" I just don't understand it; I've asked every question I can think to ask. I ask if its the price of a ring, because I don't need an expensive ring or any ring that matter as long as I had him. He says "no its not the ring". I ask if he's worried about marriage because his parents are divorced. He says "no." Is it me? "no". Is there something else you need from me in this relationship to make you feel more secure? "No". Is there an issue in the relationship we need to work on? "There is no issue!"
He says he wants to get engaged, but not for another 4 to 6 years, and marriage another 6 years after that. I don't understand what he is waiting for, and for the first time in this relationship, he's not giving me any reason. Just "I want to be with you forever...I'm not ready to be engaged".
Huh, I thought it was the same thing...
Any thoughts?

Marriage is only a legal institution. It's recognized in all 50 states and with it comes financial obligation and responsibility. That's is really all marriage is in the universal definition in our society.
After that.....marriage as an institution is what you personally define it is being. If you're self-aware - you've come to realize that marriage nor a relationshipw will make you what you're not at the core. That it won't make you anything that you're already not.....but that it is going to obligate you legally to more than you're obligated to right now.
So, whether marriage is an institution that an individual values and prioritizes being in...is totally determined by what marriage is by their definition on a personal level.
Some people do not value marriage......all over the world you can find cultures that do not value marriage as an institituion. They see no use for paperwork to be committed to one another completely......they have no expectation that a piece of paper and a ceremony would "make you more committed, complete, or supportive of one another" in any way.
In our society - we do tend to value marriage. Some people do NOT respect it as an institution. Typically we think of those people as those hurt thru divorce either their own or familial situations. But the reality is.....the people that end up divorced (as a rule - tehre are exceptions) didn't value marriage as an institution for what it is to begin with.
They thought of marriage as a requirement, as something they should do, as something that would ensure their success, security, happiness, completion or identity in full. They did it too conform to the will of others, or so as to not to lose the benefit of the alliance at the time.
But they did not value hte institution of marriage enough to define what it means to them as an individual - and what it will require of them on a personal and emotional level, and what they must have in a partner for it to bring to them on a personal and emotional level what they're seeking in life as an enhancement to the joy that is already present for them in their lives as is.
People that truly value marriage - don't enter into it lightly. They don't think it is a guarantee of anything, they don't consider it a venue by which to manipulate or change their partner.
All that said.....sit down and realize one thing. Ask yourself in a brutually honest way - why you want to be married...what does it signify to you? If what signifies is that you're following societal tradition....realize that you're with a guy that doesn't define or adhere to that same definition/convention standard.
At some point...given that he's saying he wants 12 years prior to marriage - and I would anticipate what he really wants is enough time to get marriage to be a non-issue so that it's not required for you to remain with him......what you're up against is the following reality.
People do waht they do because they want to do it. Their values, priorities and standards justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words ideas, and desires. Those same values determine in all situations their character, conscience, integrity and honor.
So basically - nothing you ever do, give, sacrifice, tolerate, endure, or expend is going to make him want to be married. It's not that he doesn't want you in his life forever...it is "marriage" and what he has it associated with/defined as - that he wants no part of.
He migth at some point examine ore closely that definition/emotional association -revise it based on self-awareness and self-responsibility - and it might or might not have him wanting marriage. Or, he might easily never examine it more closely and simply remain with his viewpoint/opinion/priority/value as it is on the institution of marriage.
So....it is up to you at all times to affiliate with people that share your values, priorities, standards and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it. That ensures that you have a greater possibility of having trust, harmony, assurance, and support and finding partnership with someone that you're not constantly trying to change/supervise/control.
So, if this man as he is....is what you want as a partner in life, realize that possibility exists that he could easily be as committed to you right now as if he walked down the aisle. and that assuredly he'll never do outside the institution of marriage - what he wouldn't do inside the institution of marriage (lie, cheat, steal, etc.). His values dictate his actions....situations are the stage on which his values are played out.
If this man as he is...is what you want....realize there might be a few more legal loopholes to jump thru - but you easily could go through life with a great partnership with one another...never risking a thing more than if you were married, and gaining a great deal more than if you were married to him, against his will - done only not to lose the benefit of your alliance.
And if marriage is important to you...and you assuredly have the right to want to be married, to honor the traditions of your family and society as a whole, and NOT be required to jump thru legal looopholes when purchasing property and having children as a result of that institution.....then you need to seriously consider if you want to be 40 before coming to the realization - he's never going to marry me, I have to find another partner and I've invested so much time in this relationship that I have eliminated my options on having what I want in life in some ways (i.e., kids while you're yougn, etc.)
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I would find out and ask him:
*Did his parents go through a bad divorce, are they divorced, or does he know of some really scary divorce story?
*How does he feel about marriage is he really for it or would he rather two people just live togther? If he doesnt want to get married until 12 yrs after hes met you it sounds like he is just saying one day he would like to marry for the sake of avoiding the whole conversation.
And dont ask him these questions in a long serious conversation about marriage just slip it in here and there so he wont feel threatened and will give you a real and truthful answer.
You just really need to find out if he believes in marriage bc if it is very important to you and not to him it could be a MAJOR problem.
Good Luck