Need women's point of view - please...
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Need women's point of view - please...
| Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:58pm |
I guess this is a known issue... but I really don't know what to do...
Last year I finally got the opportunity to date the girl that I was attracted from a while ago... and everything was going perfect, we would talk on the phone, watch movies, go to our favorite place and talk for hours, meet my/her friends... even though we both were not ready for a committed relationship we were attracted to each other and felt pretty comfortable. I hadn't dated anyone for a while before her, but she got me good y'all... I didn't feel that way in a long time. We actually never "did it" because I really respected her and I was attracted to her mind as well as her body, I'm kinda old fashion, and have no regrets about it though.
Suddenly and without warning everything changed, there was a weekend in which she didn't call at all... and then she was in a car wreck the next monday and I didn't find out but until late that day, via a mutual friend. The next day I went to her house... I could tell that she wasn't thrilled to see me, at all. I explained to her that I wasn't upset she didn't call me but that I was more concerned about her safety... I guess that didn't mean anything... Since then things started going downhill, no phone calls, we barely saw each other, it got to a point where I would have to practically follow her just to say hello. I decided to express her how I felt, she was going thru some rough times at home, her grandma was diagnosed with cancer and her health was deteriorating rapidly, and her parents move back to their house where she lived, and it's a known fact that she doesn't get along with them ...and then the car. So I decided to give her some breathing room, and wrote her a letter, gave it to her and stop seeing her for a while. She never replied to that letter nor she ever called, until Christmas when I sent her a christmas card and she emailed me back saying that she was happy to have news about me, but I didn't see her right away, it was until valentine's day when I sent her a card via regular mail, and then called her on her cell phone telling her that I missed her and that I wanted to hear her voice and asked her to call me back. There was no such call, the following week I finally went to see her but she acted like there was no V-card or voice mail at all... but she was happy to see me. I didn't mentioned anything because there was a lot of people and we had no opportunity to talk... Since then we have seen each other every week, although we definetly don't talk like in the beginning, it seems that I have to pretend like we never had anything and there's a black hole where we cannot remember the things we said or did, and she's always in a rush since she has to work odd hours to keep with her bills and we never seem to catch a break, we email but nothing special... and sometimes I get mixed signals like yesterday when I told her a piece of good news and she gave me a big hug, but eventually when we got to her car she just shut the door and drove off... I can take a hint... I know that probably she doesn't want me in her life again, but is she just waiting for me to ask "what happened?"... or is she avoiding me so we will not talk about it?... There was no apparent reason for the break up, it just happened, she would not communicate, at all. We never had an argument, we never went mad, she even said that I was someone special for her... I know, just words. I know that when she had the car wreck I should've called first instead of just pop-in at her house, but... is it too bad to be concerned about someone you care about?... why didn't she let me know what happened?... All I want is to know how she feels... but I don't know if I'll even get a straight answer, it's eating me inside... Her birthday is coming and even after everything that has happened, I'm planning something special... I know that she may slap me on the face again, I'm willing to take the risk... question is, should I?... she's a good friend... and there's a lot of people that critize her because they think she's weird... they never gave her a chance to show them who she really is, and they don't know her the way I do... and that really bothers me... I have thought about it over and over, it's not just physical, it's emotional, too. She has a lot of good qualities that I look for in a woman, and I know we have things in common. Why should I just let it die?... Please ladies... tell me what you think. Is it too bad that I'm a man like this? Did I push her too hard? Why is she acting like nothing ever happened? I'm starting to doubt myself... Thank you.
Last year I finally got the opportunity to date the girl that I was attracted from a while ago... and everything was going perfect, we would talk on the phone, watch movies, go to our favorite place and talk for hours, meet my/her friends... even though we both were not ready for a committed relationship we were attracted to each other and felt pretty comfortable. I hadn't dated anyone for a while before her, but she got me good y'all... I didn't feel that way in a long time. We actually never "did it" because I really respected her and I was attracted to her mind as well as her body, I'm kinda old fashion, and have no regrets about it though.
Suddenly and without warning everything changed, there was a weekend in which she didn't call at all... and then she was in a car wreck the next monday and I didn't find out but until late that day, via a mutual friend. The next day I went to her house... I could tell that she wasn't thrilled to see me, at all. I explained to her that I wasn't upset she didn't call me but that I was more concerned about her safety... I guess that didn't mean anything... Since then things started going downhill, no phone calls, we barely saw each other, it got to a point where I would have to practically follow her just to say hello. I decided to express her how I felt, she was going thru some rough times at home, her grandma was diagnosed with cancer and her health was deteriorating rapidly, and her parents move back to their house where she lived, and it's a known fact that she doesn't get along with them ...and then the car. So I decided to give her some breathing room, and wrote her a letter, gave it to her and stop seeing her for a while. She never replied to that letter nor she ever called, until Christmas when I sent her a christmas card and she emailed me back saying that she was happy to have news about me, but I didn't see her right away, it was until valentine's day when I sent her a card via regular mail, and then called her on her cell phone telling her that I missed her and that I wanted to hear her voice and asked her to call me back. There was no such call, the following week I finally went to see her but she acted like there was no V-card or voice mail at all... but she was happy to see me. I didn't mentioned anything because there was a lot of people and we had no opportunity to talk... Since then we have seen each other every week, although we definetly don't talk like in the beginning, it seems that I have to pretend like we never had anything and there's a black hole where we cannot remember the things we said or did, and she's always in a rush since she has to work odd hours to keep with her bills and we never seem to catch a break, we email but nothing special... and sometimes I get mixed signals like yesterday when I told her a piece of good news and she gave me a big hug, but eventually when we got to her car she just shut the door and drove off... I can take a hint... I know that probably she doesn't want me in her life again, but is she just waiting for me to ask "what happened?"... or is she avoiding me so we will not talk about it?... There was no apparent reason for the break up, it just happened, she would not communicate, at all. We never had an argument, we never went mad, she even said that I was someone special for her... I know, just words. I know that when she had the car wreck I should've called first instead of just pop-in at her house, but... is it too bad to be concerned about someone you care about?... why didn't she let me know what happened?... All I want is to know how she feels... but I don't know if I'll even get a straight answer, it's eating me inside... Her birthday is coming and even after everything that has happened, I'm planning something special... I know that she may slap me on the face again, I'm willing to take the risk... question is, should I?... she's a good friend... and there's a lot of people that critize her because they think she's weird... they never gave her a chance to show them who she really is, and they don't know her the way I do... and that really bothers me... I have thought about it over and over, it's not just physical, it's emotional, too. She has a lot of good qualities that I look for in a woman, and I know we have things in common. Why should I just let it die?... Please ladies... tell me what you think. Is it too bad that I'm a man like this? Did I push her too hard? Why is she acting like nothing ever happened? I'm starting to doubt myself... Thank you.

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Let it go.
1) "There was a weekend in which she didn't call at all." Why didn't you call her if you wanted to see or talk to her instead of waiting for her to call?
2) Had I been in an accident, I might have needed time to recover without feeling the "responsibility" to call you. And I would have been displeased over a surprise visit with a thinly veiled criticism from you for not calling. You should have called her and asked if she needed anything - what you did was selfish.
3) She was having difficulties in her life and you "decided" to give her space. Without any discussion about your decision, just a note informing me of it, I would have thought that you didn't want to be around me when I was not at my best and having trouble. I'd consider you a "fair weather" friend, if I thought you behaved like a real friend at all.
4) You see each other every week now and she's trying to fit you into her life, but her irregular work hours make it difficult. Don't you ever make plans ahead of time, according to your schedules, and ask her out on a date? Why not?
5) She gave you a hug after you told her some good news, and then left. But you are unhappy about that. Why? Did you want something else from her, like going out to celebrate? Why didn't you ask for it?
It really sounds to me that you have expectations of her that YOU are not communicating to her. You are making plans for her birthday, but does she know that and is she agreeable? You are complaining that she isn't communicating with you, but it really sounds like you expect her to read your mind. Start talking and asking, and stop presuming so much.
1) Actually on that weekend I did call her... on friday evening, and then sunday night, and the message that I left on sunday said something like "...this is not normal of us, not talking, I'm just concerned about you, hope everything's ok, call me...". So I guess I forgot to mention that part...
2)It was after this blackout that she had the crash on monday, and I'm not saying that she should've called, because I understand the situation, her parents at home, the insurance co. ... she didn't have time to deal with me, but, she had my weekend messages... she knew I was concerned, my intentions droping by her house were merely to see if she was OK, then letting her know that I was there to support her, not to be a burden... don't know if this makes sense... at least that's from my part, of course she never said anything about it.
3)During that difficult time... she gave me the cold shoulder more than once and ... not giving me the chance to approach her. I would accept the fact that I didn't have the courage to do that, but, on the other hand, I wanted her to know how I felt, so that's when the letter came into mind, not to make her feel bad, but to let her know that I tried to understand what was going on, then giving her the opp. to express what she felt if she felt like it... It was not a goodbye letter...
4)I have not asked her out, she's always saying that she's busy every weekend, working until 9 sometimes 10 pm... That's why I thought about her birthday... I guess it's the best opportunity I have to approach her...
5)All I wanted was time to talk more, to have a chat... we haven't done that in almost 5 months... everytime she's on the run... if I would add all those minutes, I would not reach a half hour count...
You're right, I'm not communicating to her, but it's because I don't know if she doesn't want ME to talk about it... see?, this is why I need this feedback, I don't know if I'm reading between the lines...
Hmm.
However, I'm the kind of person who just can't stand the indirect way of telling people how I feel about them or what I want from them or they from me. If I'm ever truly in doubt about what another feels for me, I'm willing to hear what I might not want to hear and I'll ask a direct question with a request for an honest answer. You might consider doing the same. It's so much better to know the truth instead of worrying and wondering and tying yourself in knots trying to figure out what's going on in someone else's mind. That way you can move on knowing you did all you could do should the answer be not in your favor. Also, in the event that there has been some sort of miscommunication along the way, and what you think is true turns out to be only assumptions on your or her part - well then it can only be a good thing to clear the air and start again. Sorry for your disappointment, but you sound like a guy who really wants a good relationship with someone, and there are plenty of women looking for the same. Read these boards for awhile and you'll see that if you keep trying, a wonderful woman will come your way and appreciate you for who you are. Good luck.
Anyway, I was just thinking of you and the others who met up with us in SF last year. It's been almost a year since then and I was remembering the good times we had! The weather has been lovely and maybe we should do a reunion sometime!
Oh, I agree, but it seems futile to keep trying to get her to talk, when she has shown she doesn't want to.
I understand the fact that she may not want to talk about it, at all... and maybe that's the reason why I can't move on, and I know that maybe I won't get an answer, or not the answer that I want to hear. But I feel like I need to know in order to close this chapter in my life...
The hardest thing is to know that we always had good times, the way we met is was magical, almost from a romance novel, and also talked about everything and that's the most difficult thing to accept, that not knowing why everything ended so abruptly is what burns inside of me.
She's so much a lot like me, she's reserved but always speaks her mind when she feels like it, I know she trusts me and she knows she can talk to me, although for now she's not willing to, this brings some other thoughts to my mind because I can't leave the fact that maybe I did something wrong and I don't know about it. I really would like to know if that's the case.
All I can say is that I'll accept whatever the answer is, even if she refuses my invitation for her birthday, then I'll know... and then there's nothing else but to walk away.
Again, thank you...
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