Never saw it coming.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Never saw it coming.....
9
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 9:23pm
Please tell me if you've ever heard of/experienced/dealt with this -- my BF of 4 years (now ex) -- we lived together for the past 6 months -- just up and left 2 weeks ago, packing a bag and telling me that he's unhappy with his life and "needs some time." Now, this came out of absolutely nowhere! No big fights or anything to bring on a break up -- in fact, I'd been away for the past week. Needless to say, I was just a little shocked & never saw it coming!

Talking with friends (one of whom is studying behavioral psych in grad school), the general idea is that his sudden weirdness and break-up with me has absolutely nothing to do with me and is just his quarter-life crisis (he's 26, so he's right on time!). In my break-up speech, he was telling me how unhappy he was with his job, how he hates his schedule, doesn't have enough time for me, he's not sure if he is the "One" for me, and that we should be engaged by now (we weren't). Says he needs to sort out his life (?).

Oh and on another note -- now, I am definitely not a person that believes much in psychics but when I was at the shore last week my friends and I thought it would be fun and apparently this woman is amazingly accurate (she predicted when a friend's SIL would have a child to the exact date). So I went in and she got me as soon as she said that I have a guardian angel that died at a young age and that is the only reason that I am here today (just to clarify, I have been in 2 major car accidents and was in a coma - but you can't tell a thing by just looking at me -- ....they said I wouldn't make it). So I was ready to believe everything she said after that. Okay, so the next thing she says is that she senses my long relationship with SO and then proceeds to warn me that starting right then, the next 2 months of my love life are going to be very difficult and above all else, I need to have faith in our love because it will pass. Too weird, right? Because the day after I got home, he broke up with me and left. She then proceeded to tell me that everything would be fine once he sorted out his security issues.

Am I ridiculous to believe in this? Should I just assume that he's gone and will never be back? His reasons for leaving and breaking it off aren't really very good -- he says a big reason is that we argue. WHO DOESN'T?!?! So, everything is up in the air at this point and I have no idea what is going on! Has anyone ever heard of this? Do I wait it out & stick by his side or consider him a lost cause? Arghhh.....I just don't know what to do!!! Help me, please!!!!

~* Kristen

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 9:33pm
Kristen ...

I'm just a lurker but had to reply to you.

Of all my friends that are married .... FOUR of them ... and that is alot ... 4. Their husbands (boyfriends at the time) all broke up with them for NO valid or good reason, just got scared, freaked out ...whatever you want to call it. They all were devastated and couldn't believe it. The average time away from them was about 2-3 months and they ALL came back to the women and married them.

The best thing to do is go on with your life, live well and have fun and when he comes back ...YOU might not want him back. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 10:11pm


Thanks for giving me some hope, lucyb!!! I intend to do just what you said -- have fun and go on with my life and I'll see where it takes me. :)



~* Kristen

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 11:59pm

I certainly am not qualified to predict whether your boyfriend

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 8:55am
I would sit tight and see what happens.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 11:47am

Thanks, ladies!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 3:08pm
I had the same thing happen to me about a year and a half ago. After a 5.5 years relationship she just ended it out of nowhere! I seriously thought she was kidding. I was shocked, so I know exactly what you're going through, it was hell.

The only advice I can give you is to just stay busy and get your mind off of him somehow. It's uaully harder at nights before you go to bed, but you have to hang in there. if he's really going through hard times like he says he is, maybe he just needs a little time to get himself in order and feel more "worthy" of you or something.

I know its hard to be apart from someone you've been involved with for so long, but I found it really difficult to just act like a regular friend after I broke up. It just made me ask myself "why didn't it work" a lot more often. being around her made me be in denial about the whole thing.

I hope it works out for you, and if you ever want to talk about this some more let me know and I'll give you my IM or you can just drop me a message here. In my case my friends really helped me through it so if you ever need someone either me and i'm sure a few of the people on the board would be willing to listen. Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 1:16pm
It sounds to me like he might have met someone else while you were away for a week. Maybe he cheated on you, and now thinks that this new woman is the ONE. Men are sometimes so shallow, that they allow the little head to do the major thinking. I hope that is not the case with your man, but it is definitely a possibility. A long time ago, I was in a relationship ( sort of ) and I had met this guy at work that I was interested in, well my bf ( at the time ) went away for a weekend and I used that time to see the other dude that I was attracted to. When my bf came home I was more than a little cold and no longer wanted to be bothered by him everyday. Besides all that I thought that he deserved it for cheating on me when I was pregnant with our child. The point I am trying to make is this

Space brings opportunity. Sometimes when people are in volved in a relationship or a situation that seems a little uncertain, or if it seems too serious , a break with someone else may provide that person with a feeling of " Hmm... maybe I'm not with the right person" or " Maybe... we need some time apart" Good luck to you, I'm sure everything will be okay. Us women are strong because we are made that way.

Peace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 6:50pm
I just wanted to tell you that I feel for you.. I truly do. I'm going through something similar myself, as you may be able to tell from my many MANY postings on here. I was only with my bf for a year, but 3 weeks ago he just stopped answering my phonecalls. No warning, no endless fighting, nothing, just a mention of maybe putting us on hold for a while. And then poof.. nothing. So I sympathize with how hard it is when someone's there with you one day and gone the next.

I'm doing the same thing you are though, holding out hope that he will come back. And believe me, I sympathize with how hard that is too, and how hard it is to just go on with life while you're doing it. But I agree with everyone that its for my best.

So here's another person who's telling you not to give up your faith in your relationship and in him. And that there is someone else out here who's feeling the heartbreak and confusion you are right now too. Take care and be strong.
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 6:29pm
My BF of four and a half years did exactly the same thing about four months ago. literally overnight he just went psycho, distanced himself from me, called me only occasionally with a grudging tone, wouldn't allow me in his house when I brought him some food, gave me NO explanation. This happened completely without warning and went on for five long days.

Then all of a sudden, he called me and declared himself totally in love with me, emotions and actions I had never seen in four years, that I had long ago given up on ever seeing, and a month ago he proposed to me. The sad thing is his actions hurt and confused me so badly that I am not really in a mood to leap right into marriage.

I have heard of this before, but it was the most bizarre thing I have ever witnessed. It's like some innner hurdle of vulnerability or decision had to be crossed. I have no idea if your BF will return, but from my experience in trying to even force mine to communicate with me, it was to no avail. I had decided I would give him about a month and then close the door for good.